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PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 10:10 pm 
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Hi!

The girl I like is currently in a relationship and I have no plan to break that. We started to get to know each other just a few weeks ago and we really hit it off, we text for hours some days. We both admitted to each other that we like each other, but also that at the moment it's ok as it is, just friends. She said a few times that she is not so committed to her realtionship. I keep getting a feeling that her relationship isn't going to last very long.

I also text with her acquaintance, who is more a good friend of her good friend. We have a date on friday, but I'm afraid that by having anything with her I might screw up future possibilities with the girl I like more.

What do you guys think? Would dating some she knows make her jealous or turn her off completely?

Thanks


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 10:26 pm 
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we text for hours some days.

Stop doing this.

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What do you guys think? Would dating some she knows make her jealous or turn her off completely?

Thanks

If you're attracted to her friend, and girl #1 is unavailable, then date her friend. I've only found that it helps (unless you suck in bed).

Women are often more detailed than men, and sometimes the first question they will ask the friend is, "did he make you cum?" and "was he big?".

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 7:17 am 
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but I'm afraid that by having anything with her I might screw up future possibilities with the girl I like more.

What do you guys think? Would dating some she knows make her jealous or turn her off completely?

Thanks
I think you should wait anywhere between 3-6 months for her to end the relationship with the other guy. I mean obviously she will, she admitted to liking you, didn't she? Women never say things out of just wanting to be nice and avoid hurting men's feelings.

In the meanwhile make sure to keep texting her for hours a day and get to know each other really well. But be very friendly and don't attempt to sexualize the content of those messages at all, otherwise she'll think you're coming on to her.

Then when she has a fight with the guy she's dating she'll come to you first for comfort. And since you've been so nice and such a good friend she'll have a sudden infusion of reality and will immediately have her eyes opened to the truth, which is that you are the one true option for her.

All of that was sarcasm by the way. Hope you realized it by now. OP, don't put your life on hold for random words some girl told you. Go date her friend or anyone you want for that matter. And if she actually will decide at some point to back her words up with action and comes to you, then you'll have a decision to make. But ONLY then.

Oh, and stop being her texting buddy. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but you'll friendzone yourself if you dont know what you're doing.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 9:30 am 
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Thanks for the replies.

Of course, I don't play on putting my life on hold for her. I was just wondering if one fuck is worth screwing up things with her for good. Because I'm attracted to her physically and intellectually, while I'm attracted to her friend only physically.

But anyway, her friend said they're not really friends - they've only seen each other about 5 times. They share a common very good friend.


Also, we have a musical project together, so we see will see each other from time to time. How often should I text her to keep things interesting and not get friendzoned? I guess I shouldn't just abruptly stop texting with her completely?


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:43 am 
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What's the purpose of your texting?

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 12:26 pm 
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We really hit it off since day one. We found out we went to the same concert years ago and we joked we missed our opportunity to be together. We talked about relationships and stuff and we talked about us, and she said how she liked me when we first met a year ago and "you know I like you, I guess your radars work that much" and then continued that she's a moral person and that at the moment our cooperation in the music field suits her, that she doesn't "commit" to anything, not even her current relationship (not literal translation, she didn't use these exact words, but that's the rough translation). She said a few times already how she's not 100% committed to her current relationship and she said he treats her well, he worships her, but she hints he is not "the one".

So to answer the question, the purpose of my texting would be keeping the flame of mutual attraction alive, trying to do a little bit of subtle flirting (not sure what would be the right amount), keep making her laugh and just trying to become a part of her life. I'd say she texts me first about 40% of times. I don't want to go too hard on the flirting as I don't want to come off as someone trying to steal her from her boyfriend. I try to show her that I don't mind her having a boyfriend, I'm not ever gonna give her relationship advice and she never mentions him anyway.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:06 pm 
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OP, I don't care what she said. I care about what she does. And what she's doing at the moment is dating someone else.

You're not her clown to make her laugh. Attraction is something that needs to be acted upon, not "preserved". She's dating someone else, which means that's her first option. What you're saying translates to "I want to keep being her second option until hopefully I become her first".

I know you picture it differently in your mind, and maybe you actually don't mind her having a boyfriend. But when you say "I don't mind her being with someone" and at the same time "hope to become part of her life" but "not flirt with her too strongly because it may come across as trying to steal her away", then there's a problem. Because those are mutually exclusive things.

Here's the thing about relationships. You can't break them. If two people are happy together, you can be the smoothest "player" that has ever walked this Earth and you will not be stealing anyone away. If however she's not committed/happy with her boyfriend, then she will be open to other options.
Now either you make yourself that option, or you play is safe while somebody else does. And then you'll be back to hoping.

My point is, if this girl actually is attracted to you, then she will be receptive to you flirting and escalating whatever you have going on between you.
Stop listening so much to what women say and start listening to what they do.

So as I've said. Sure, date her friend or whatever she is. But if you want this woman then you better act like it too. Flirt with her. Tease her. Go out. Kiss. Have sex.
None of that "I'm patiently gonna wait my turn" because in that case, you can join the herd of men she probably has hidden somewhere in the darkest corners of the friendzone.

A man with options has standards. And "waiting" around while she dates someone else is not that.


And as a sidenote, stop talking about "us" before there is an "us". Stop talking about "what ifs" when nothing is realistically there. A girl saying "I like you" is nothing. A girl showing she likes you? yeah, then we can talk.
Once you've dated, had sex and been seeing each other for 3-4 months then there's an "us" to talk about. Until that time it's just you letting her sooth your ego with pretty words you think matter.

PS: If this post hits a bit strong then please know that none if it is meant as insult or to be condescending. But I'm just seeing some wishful thinking in your words and a bit of tough love is my way of trying to get you to see it.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:37 pm 
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Don't worry, you didn't insult me, far from that. I'm grateful for all the tips and a fresh perspective!


I get what you're saying. And you're most probably right as you have more experience and are not emotionally involved.

I definitely don't want to be her second choice just waiting for to maybe once become her first. But think of this scenario: She really likes me, but I just stormed into her life about 2 weeks ago. She can't just leave her boyfriend and jump into something with me. Let's say she is interested in me and wants to be with me more than with her boyfriend. Realistically, she would take it easy, see how things develop and then after some time to make the decision. I just don't see her kissing and having sex with me or anyone until she has a boyfriend and gets heated up enough to want me badly. I wouldn't even want the relationship to start that way. The way I see it I need to become the better option. I don't know how to do that without being too "whatever" and "hard to get", but as I said, also not by forcing myself on her and pushing her in a corner.

I'm not a nerd, I consider myself above average. I'm a singer at least 3 of her friends find me attractive (she told me after our first concert). I was thinking of playing the card "you know I like you, but I'm not gonna go head over heels to get you". If she knows I like her, then the ball is in her court. I may be naive, but I really think she needs time. I think it would be rushed and off-putting if tried to full on date her, kiss her, etc.

Maybe I also overstated by using the word "crush". It's not that bad. She's just a really good combination of good looking and my type of personality. We clicked really well. I'm not consumed by her all day. Not yet at least :)
Quote:
My point is, if this girl actually is attracted to you, then she will be receptive to you flirting and escalating whatever you have going on between you.
Stop listening so much to what women say and start listening to what they do.
Agree. But don't you think she'll be receptive only to a certain point? Won't she get an "I have a boyfriend" or "this is too fast" alarm? I just don't think I should treat her same as I would any other single woman.

Also, don't forget I want to keep cooperating in the music field with her. Don't want to fuck that up.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 8:22 am 
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She really likes me, but I just stormed into her life about 2 weeks ago. She can't just leave her boyfriend and jump into something with me.
OP you planted the relationship idea into her head. You started talking about "us" when you barely even know this girl, and in doing so you've more or less eliminated her freedom of choice. Leaving her current commitment virtually implies getting into a new one.
That's not how it works.

It takes 2-3 months of dating to get to know another person. Then the idea of an "us" can be taken into account because there's valid grounds to do so. Anything before that is just pressuring and draining.
This is the prime reason why "telling someone how you feel about them" early on is counter productive. Uncertainty breeds attraction. And for all intents and purposes you cannot realistically state you like her, because you don't know her. You like the "idea" of her, and that's different.

So yes, she can't jump into something with you, but you're the one who created a something to jump into.
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Realistically, she would take it easy, see how things develop and then after some time to make the decision.
Sure, but you took away that option, didn't you?
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I just don't see her kissing and having sex with me or anyone until she has a boyfriend and gets heated up enough to want me badly.
You think only someone bearing the title of "boyfriend" can get a woman heated up?
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I wouldn't even want the relationship to start that way.
Yea, see, this is your main, recurring issue.
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I was thinking of playing the card "you know I like you, but I'm not gonna go head over heels to get you". If she knows I like her, then the ball is in her court.
And to her that will sound like "I like you but I want you to do all the effort because I don't know how".
First, stop telling her you like her. Second, a woman's job is to put herself in a position to be seduced. A man's job is to seduce her.
There's a time and place to put the ball in her court, but it's not now. At this point it will simply add even more pressure.
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I may be naive, but I really think she needs time. I think it would be rushed and off-putting if tried to full on date her, kiss her, etc.
Time for what? People meet attractive people regularly. She doesn't need time, she needs a reason. She needs to be swept of her feet, excited, intrigued and curious. What she doesn't need is promises of relationships and having that excitement taken away by random confessions or being liked.
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Maybe I also overstated by using the word "crush". It's not that bad. She's just a really good combination of good looking and my type of personality. We clicked really well. I'm not consumed by her all day. Not yet at least
You don't know her personality. You barely got a glimpse. Aside from that you're already using the word relationship.
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Agree. But don't you think she'll be receptive only to a certain point? Won't she get an "I have a boyfriend" or "this is too fast" alarm? I just don't think I should treat her same as I would any other single woman.
She literally said she's not taking it seriously. And aside from that, yes, you should treat any "committed" woman as if she were single. In your world it should be you and her, and her boyfriend is a non existing entity, as far as you're concerned.
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Also, don't forget I want to keep cooperating in the music field with her. Don't want to fuck that up.
If she truly is a professional asset then you shouldn't be thinking about dating her. If however that's just a rationalization to keep being around her then don't use it as a pretext.


OP, the takeaway from all this is firstly, stop telling women how you feel, and secondly, stop using the world "relationship" with what is basically a stranger.
Yeah, people meet, date, see where it goes. That's supposed to be light, fun, enjoyable and freeing. You take away all that when you start spewing your feeling all over them and talking about exclusivity when you haven't even done as much as a kiss.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:18 am 
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Realistically, she would take it easy, see how things develop and then after some time to make the decision.
Sure, but you took away that option, didn't you?
Don't understand how I took away that option. I never hinted to her that I want to be with her. I only admitted to ALSO liking her. So, only after she said it first. Maybe I presented the situation as if I'm constantly giving her cues that I like her and want to be with her. That is not the case at all. We're mostly just having fun talk with teasing.
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OP you planted the relationship idea into her head. You started talking about "us" when you barely even know this girl, and in doing so you've more or less eliminated her freedom of choice. Leaving her current commitment virtually implies getting into a new one.

Then the idea of an "us" can be taken into account because there's valid grounds to do so. Anything before that is just pressuring and draining.
This is the prime reason why "telling someone how you feel about them" early on is counter productive. Uncertainty breeds attraction. And for all intents and purposes, you cannot realistically state you like her, because you don't know her. You like the "idea" of her, and that's different.

So yes, she can't jump into something with you, but you're the one who created a something to jump into.
I just have to fully agree with this one, guilty as charged. That is my weakness. I get stuck on the idea of a girl. I know it but can't help myself. I'm just gonna do my best to stop doing that and get involved with other girls.


I have a better view of the situation, but I'm still not sure what to do. How much should I flirt? How often should I text her? Or should I just read some guide and follow it, not minding the fact she has a boyfriend?

We already scheduled a drink "date" for after next practice. I just don't imagine inviting her on a date and doing full on seduction after she told me she's a moral person (implying she doesn't want to cheat?) and she's currently fine with the situation. I can't shake the feeling that she's implying "I liked you (she admitted to liking me when we first met a year ago, but I had a girlfriend), still do, would've given you a chance if I didn't have a boyfriend, but now you have to wait - because you never know, I'm not really committed to my boyfriend".

Do you have any tips on how to give her space and time and present myself as her first option? How do I give her a reason? I can't tell how much texting/flirting is too much or too little.


R.C., I really appreciate all the input. Helping out a stranger on the internet, you're the real MVP.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 11:26 am 
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We already scheduled a drink "date" for after next practice. I just don't imagine inviting her on a date and doing full on seduction after she told me she's a moral person (implying she doesn't want to cheat?) and she's currently fine with the situation. I can't shake the feeling that she's implying "I liked you (she admitted to liking me when we first met a year ago, but I had a girlfriend), still do, would've given you a chance if I didn't have a boyfriend, but now you have to wait - because you never know, I'm not really committed to my boyfriend".
Look, I said this before. Stop paying attention to what she says and start paying attention to what she does. Be less available over text, don't make replying to her a priority and only do so when you are quite literally not doing anything else. She hasn't earned a priority spot in your daily life. Again, you barely know her.

Aside from that, flirt with her in person and yes, treat her as if she's single. There's no such thing as "too much flirting" unless you're all talk and zero action. Which tends to happen if all you do is text and never really meet. If you are face to face however, as long as she's reciprocating, don't even worry about it.

Her saying she's a moral person can mean a million different things from implying she wont cheat on her current boyfriend, which is a deterrent, to implying she's a faithful person to someone she could see herself caring about (that would be you), which is her qualifying herself.
That's why I'm telling you to ignore the words and focus on the actions.

You get a lot of girls by playing to win. You lose a lot of girls by playing to not lose.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 1:02 pm 
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Alright. To sum up:

- stop texting for hours, she's not a priority, be less available
- don't tell her I like her
- no harm in dating/banging her friend/acquaintance
- pay attention to her actions, not her words
- there is no "us", no relationship
- flirt
- boyfriend? what boyfriend?


Hope I got it right. A few more things:

How often should I text her first?

Is it ok to talk to her about other girls? To let her know I'm seeing other girls? What if she asks about me and the friend I'm seeing?


Thanks again


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 1:31 pm 
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Is it ok to talk to her about other girls? To let her know I'm seeing other girls? What if she asks about me and the friend I'm seeing?
If she asks, yes. If not, don't be the one bringing it up.
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How often should I text her first?
Less than she does.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2017 7:52 am 
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Followed your advice. She snapped me a kinda hot picture of herself before she went out, and I responded something like "don't tease me" in a flirty way. She responds with "a bit is ok" and in a few hours I get another, even sexier snap, a selfie on the bed with pushup bra revealing part of her boobs. She then said it's "just a joke", but her words don't mean shit, her actions do. Then she also messages me on FB with something random.

Gonna try and keep following the advice and keeping the thread updated so others can learn from it.

Thanks


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2017 8:32 am 
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Good. Be sure to escalate when you have those drinks in person.

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