I cheated on my GF



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 Post subject: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 4:21 am 
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Finding it really difficult to find some PUA advice for this as all threads with cheating in seem to be girl cheating on the guy and the guy just needing to be told the truth about why she cheated on him. So, hoping for some advice where I (the guy) cheated on the girl. Logic says this should be easier to resolve since cheating is a sign of other women being attracted to me and me having choice but anyway, my story:

Got good at game, had lots of fun and met a girl who I could settle down with. I am not interested in a monogamous relationship for the rest of my life. I'm not sure I want an open relationship either, but variety is important to me. This girl that I met talked about threesomes and swingers clubs (the latter mainly as entertainment rather than taking part). She was quite anti being with other guys and expressed a desire to mainly bring other girls in to the relationship. I have always made it clear that, within reason, I have no issue with us both being able to play away. Everything was great for 3 years, then things started to slow down sexually and at no point have we taken part in any of the things we agreed on when we started this relationship. So, 4 years in, I got bored and got some attention from a girl and I had a one night stand. Felt guilty but then it happened again with another girl 6 months later. A month after that she found out about one and I came clean about the other.

She was devastated. I felt horrible for making her feel so upset but equally I didn't roll over completely and I admitted I'd been miserable for some time in the relationship and that we haven't done any of the things we talked about. We talked very honestly and she seemed to want to forgive me. However, her parents were told and then threatened to 'cut her off' if she stayed with me. What followed was her being essentially emotionally and financially bullied by her parents/friends in to moving out of our flat and breaking up with me.

From my point of view, I think I want her back if we can have it as we were early on and the bits we talked about are a realistic view of the future. I don't think she was fantasizing when discussing that stuff as she would do some stuff off her own back in that arena to make it a reality but I could be wrong there. Shes young-ish (25) and there's definitely an element here of her being willing to give up on things a bit too easily as she thinks she has time; and that attitude fks me off. Interested in opinions as to whether you guys think I should want to try this again?

She says she still loves me but that she cant see herself with me in the future any longer - Red flag? She wants to date me in secret in order to build trust back up (and not have to deal with the bullying her parents would undoubtedly give her). I have gone along with this for the last month or so as it is somewhat reasonable for her to need time to build trust back up and go against her friends but it is obvious to me that secret dating is not for alpha's. She has begun to tell many of her friends that we are back dating. Would you carry on with this or try a different strategy?

Thanks for any and all advice/salient points made :)


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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:21 am 
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If you want her you're going to have to put the work in, you fucked up,not her. The tone of the post seems to be that you think she has to work for your relationship, where in reality you broke it.

If you want to screw around, find yourself a girlfriend who agrees with the idea of a polyamorous relationship, or one that excites you sexually at least. You're going to have to build the trust back up with this girl but essentially she won't be able to trust you again without a lot of work, the relationship is fucked.

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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:37 am 
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db6279 wrote:
From my point of view, I think I want her back if we can have it as we were early on and the bits we talked about are a realistic view of the future. I don't think she was fantasizing when discussing that stuff as she would do some stuff off her own back in that arena to make it a reality but I could be wrong there. Shes young-ish (25) and there's definitely an element here of her being willing to give up on things a bit too easily as she thinks she has time; and that attitude fks me off. Interested in opinions as to whether you guys think I should want to try this again?


OP, if you're 25 and still depend on your parents not cutting you off you're doing something seriously wrong.

db6279 wrote:
She says she still loves me but that she cant see herself with me in the future any longer - Red flag?

It's not a red flag, it's a statement.

You don't want this girl. You said it yourself, you were miserable in the relationship. You don't want her back, you just want the stability that having a girlfriend brought to your life.

I still don't get how you can be 25 and depend on your parents to survive.

You should move on. Realistically speaking that's what you truly want, you're just being blindsided by the breakup. People are always reluctant to sudden changes. Wanting things to go "back to normal" is an impulse, not a genuine desire.

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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 7:31 am 
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Slick_uk wrote:
If you want her you're going to have to put the work in, you fucked up,not her. The tone of the post seems to be that you think she has to work for your relationship, where in reality you broke it.


I agree I fucked it. I started the ball rolling but she hasn't handled this at all well since. She essentially walked away because other people told her too, which is silly and weak, and that did make me lose some respect for her. The tone wasn't meant to come across as if its got to be all her, but I am worried that 'secret dating' is typically what girls do with guys that they don't see as viable partners in the long term. That makes me want to reject the offer.

R.C wrote:

OP, if you're 25 and still depend on your parents not cutting you off you're doing something seriously wrong.

I still don't get how you can be 25 and depend on your parents to survive.



That came across incorrectly. She has a good job and can maintain a middle class lifestyle on her own. She doesn't depend on them. However, her parents are extremely well off and provide high ticket and luxury items for her frequently. They did threaten to cut her off from these if she chose to stay with me and also made comments about not wanting me in the house or to ever see me etc.

R.C wrote:

db6279 wrote:
She says she still loves me but that she cant see herself with me in the future any longer - Red flag?

It's not a red flag, it's a statement.

You don't want this girl. You said it yourself, you were miserable in the relationship. You don't want her back, you just want the stability that having a girlfriend brought to your life.

You should move on. Realistically speaking that's what you truly want, you're just being blindsided by the breakup. People are always reluctant to sudden changes. Wanting things to go "back to normal" is an impulse, not a genuine desire.


The red flag thing is because I'm thinking that kind of statement is what a girl makes when she is about to or has already put a guy in the friend zone or similar. I wasn't sure whether it is a positive statement or a negative one. I suppose the answer is the standard that if you can become attractive enough she will reconsider.

In terms of the relationship, I was unhappy at the end but was ecstatic with the first few years. I think she became complacent basically. She has said that she would have done so much more if she knew I felt like that, but that's BS because I made several attempts to tell her things weren't working before the inevitable happened. As always, people find it easy to ignore words when its not what they want to hear.

As to the rest, you may well be correct - I'm certainly not ruling that out. I've been through this before and felt that I wanted a girl only to, in time, be much happier that it ended/didn't happen/fizzled out etc. This feels different, but everyone says that. I just know that right now I don't understand half the stuff she says and that I absolutely resent her for some of her actions post finding out. I am definitely of the opinion that going 'back to normal' is impossible even if we do get back together though. Too much has happened.

Thanks for the responses guys.


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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 9:35 am 
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db6279 wrote:
That came across incorrectly. She has a good job and can maintain a middle class lifestyle on her own. She doesn't depend on them. However, her parents are extremely well off and provide high ticket and luxury items for her frequently. They did threaten to cut her off from these if she chose to stay with me and also made comments about not wanting me in the house or to ever see me etc.


Well you can't exactly expect them to be thrilled by the situation. That said the blackmail part is still a bit fucked up.

db6279 wrote:
The red flag thing is because I'm thinking that kind of statement is what a girl makes when she is about to or has already put a guy in the friend zone or similar. I wasn't sure whether it is a positive statement or a negative one. I suppose the answer is the standard that if you can become attractive enough she will reconsider.

Women don't put guys in the friendzone. Guys friendzone themselves. Regardless this has nothing to do with attraction or friendzone. You've already been together for years.
Her statement is not an impression, it a conclusion. Difference being that a conclusion is not just a guess based on a few subjective perceptions. She knows you. Also being cheated on doesn't generally make people think "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person".

db6279 wrote:
In terms of the relationship, I was unhappy at the end but was ecstatic with the first few years. I think she became complacent basically. She has said that she would have done so much more if she knew I felt like that, but that's BS because I made several attempts to tell her things weren't working before the inevitable happened. As always, people find it easy to ignore words when its not what they want to hear.

Look, everyone gets comfortable in their relationships. Always. The difference is that really good relationships thrive on the compatibility between the two people alone. Similar mindsets, similar values, similar personalities.
If you need to go out of your way to keep your partner happy then your normal self is not enough. That can't last.


db6279 wrote:
As to the rest, you may well be correct - I'm certainly not ruling that out. I've been through this before and felt that I wanted a girl only to, in time, be much happier that it ended/didn't happen/fizzled out etc. This feels different, but everyone says that. I just know that right now I don't understand half the stuff she says and that I absolutely resent her for some of her actions post finding out. I am definitely of the opinion that going 'back to normal' is impossible even if we do get back together though. Too much has happened.

Thanks for the responses guys.


Yeah, some lines should not be crossed. If they are, the relationship gets poisoned. And when that happens there's really no going back.

But again OP, you ended up in that situation for a reason. I'm not debating the ethics of you cheating on her, but when people cheat, 9/10 times it's because they're unhappy with their current relationship.
In the end it doesn't really matter why/how it got there.

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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2017 10:19 am 
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db6279 wrote:
Finding it really difficult to find some PUA advice for this as all threads with cheating in seem to be girl cheating on the guy and the guy just needing to be told the truth about why she cheated on him. So, hoping for some advice where I (the guy) cheated on the girl. Logic says this should be easier to resolve since cheating is a sign of other women being attracted to me and me having choice but anyway, my story:

Got good at game, had lots of fun and met a girl who I could settle down with. I am not interested in a monogamous relationship for the rest of my life. I'm not sure I want an open relationship either, but variety is important to me. This girl that I met talked about threesomes and swingers clubs (the latter mainly as entertainment rather than taking part). She was quite anti being with other guys and expressed a desire to mainly bring other girls in to the relationship. I have always made it clear that, within reason, I have no issue with us both being able to play away. Everything was great for 3 years, then things started to slow down sexually and at no point have we taken part in any of the things we agreed on when we started this relationship. So, 4 years in, I got bored and got some attention from a girl and I had a one night stand. Felt guilty but then it happened again with another girl 6 months later. A month after that she found out about one and I came clean about the other.

She was devastated. I felt horrible for making her feel so upset but equally I didn't roll over completely and I admitted I'd been miserable for some time in the relationship and that we haven't done any of the things we talked about. We talked very honestly and she seemed to want to forgive me. However, her parents were told and then threatened to 'cut her off' if she stayed with me. What followed was her being essentially emotionally and financially bullied by her parents/friends in to moving out of our flat and breaking up with me.

From my point of view, I think I want her back if we can have it as we were early on and the bits we talked about are a realistic view of the future. I don't think she was fantasizing when discussing that stuff as she would do some stuff off her own back in that arena to make it a reality but I could be wrong there. Shes young-ish (25) and there's definitely an element here of her being willing to give up on things a bit too easily as she thinks she has time; and that attitude fks me off. Interested in opinions as to whether you guys think I should want to try this again?

She says she still loves me but that she cant see herself with me in the future any longer - Red flag? She wants to date me in secret in order to build trust back up (and not have to deal with the bullying her parents would undoubtedly give her). I have gone along with this for the last month or so as it is somewhat reasonable for her to need time to build trust back up and go against her friends but it is obvious to me that secret dating is not for alpha's. She has begun to tell many of her friends that we are back dating. Would you carry on with this or try a different strategy?

Thanks for any and all advice/salient points made :)


It looks like she is a playmate who just loves to hang around you and then thinking about the other guy. It depends on her that she thinks she is 25 and she is still young. So according to me you should just give her a chance and date again. :wink: :wink: :D


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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2017 2:15 pm 
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I agree I fucked it. I started the ball rolling but she hasn't handled this at all well since. She essentially walked away because other people told her too, which is silly and weak, and that did make me lose some respect for her.


Lol...whats silly and weak is her even being with you after you cheated 2x. This chick needs to stand up to her parents and be her own woman, also...she needs to leave you and be her own woman. You dont believe in monogamy, so dont get into a monog relationship. All that swinger talk and "been open about the fact that we could play around"....well you shouldve introduced that dynamic early instead of expecting it to flow 3-4 years into the relationship. Your gf is stupid for not being on her own, but whats more stupid is even giving you time of day. No offense, you sound more childish than she is just because instead of walking away, you're holding onto it when it already wasnt working, when you allowed things to be monogamous for years then expected the agreement to change and you see her statements as red flags. You're talking about "attraction" when it clearly is the trust is gone. And at the end of the day, she doesnt want the relationship you want. So just leave. The parents dont like you, as they shouldnt, the trust is gone, and you want other women and she doesnt. She may be younger, but if you're the older one, its common sense where this is headed.


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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2017 7:25 pm 
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Real men don't cheat on their girlfriends.

An actual *man* who wants to see other women but who still cares for his girlfriend will set the stage immediately for his desires (congruency) and let her know he wants an open relationship...or to part ways.

My gf knows my appetite, and I know hers. she gives me green lights when I ask. I don't need to "cheat".

You're completely over-complicating things. By cheating twice on your gf, you have conveyed you need an open relationship. So be congruent with your needs and tell her you are now in an open relationship.

And if your ego can't handle her seeing other people, then you need to move on and next time frame things appropriately from the beginning, or at least hint at it.

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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 6:31 pm 
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R.C wrote:
Well you can't exactly expect them to be thrilled by the situation. That said the blackmail part is still a bit fucked up.


I absolutely agree with both sides of that. If I was in their shoes I would say 'You should leave him, but it is up to you.' I think that's a fair response. I'm angry at their response because it is wrong; but its irrelevant either way really.

R.C wrote:
Women don't put guys in the friendzone. Guys friendzone themselves. Regardless this has nothing to do with attraction or friendzone. You've already been together for years. Her statement is not an impression, it a conclusion. Difference being that a conclusion is not just a guess based on a few subjective perceptions. She knows you. Also being cheated on doesn't generally make people think "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person".


I was under the impression that as we are currently 'not together' I had to 'attract' her again. Or that greater attraction could oversome some of the other things that are going on here. Girls go against their friends all the time for guys they are deeply attracted to. Of course she should have that immediate reaction. I suppose the question is can that conclusion be changed? She appears open to the idea which is why she wants to date. But she seems to be talking about making a decision in 6-12 months and I don't think that ever works out.

R.C wrote:
Look, everyone gets comfortable in their relationships. Always. The difference is that really good relationships thrive on the compatibility between the two people alone. Similar mindsets, similar values, similar personalities.
If you need to go out of your way to keep your partner happy then your normal self is not enough. That can't last.


The last sentence is very valid. I know she was genuinely turned on by the idea of threesomes and such, but perhaps that was all it was ever going to be. I'm aware I was not happy in the relationship at the time I cheated, but the idea of the relationship we had at the start is appealing, if we can get that back. However, if that is obtainable but not sustainable then its not going to work for me.

R.C wrote:
Yeah, some lines should not be crossed. If they are, the relationship gets poisoned. And when that happens there's really no going back.

But again OP, you ended up in that situation for a reason. I'm not debating the ethics of you cheating on her, but when people cheat, 9/10 times it's because they're unhappy with their current relationship.
In the end it doesn't really matter why/how it got there.


As of now I've cut contact with her. Unfriended on FB and don't plan on seeing again. This will be the easiest way to move on quickly.

I read some of your other posts btw (the ones in signature) and they are great, so thanks for all that too.


Last edited by db6279 on Sun Aug 13, 2017 6:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 6:46 pm 
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neo87 wrote:

Lol...whats silly and weak is her even being with you after you cheated 2x. This chick needs to stand up to her parents and be her own woman, also...she needs to leave you and be her own woman. You dont believe in monogamy, so dont get into a monog relationship. All that swinger talk and "been open about the fact that we could play around"....well you shouldve introduced that dynamic early instead of expecting it to flow 3-4 years into the relationship. Your gf is stupid for not being on her own, but whats more stupid is even giving you time of day. No offense, you sound more childish than she is just because instead of walking away, you're holding onto it when it already wasnt working, when you allowed things to be monogamous for years then expected the agreement to change and you see her statements as red flags. You're talking about "attraction" when it clearly is the trust is gone. And at the end of the day, she doesnt want the relationship you want. So just leave. The parents dont like you, as they shouldnt, the trust is gone, and you want other women and she doesnt. She may be younger, but if you're the older one, its common sense where this is headed.


I don't think you read what I posted before you embarked on your rant. This isn't something that was introduced 3-4 years in, it was present since day 1. I have always been congruent in the fact that I am not interested in a monogamous relationship and have always told her this since the start. However, despite us talking about it and occasionally getting close to acting on it; nothing was ever actually done.

Arch Stanton wrote:
Real men don't cheat on their girlfriends.

An actual *man* who wants to see other women but who still cares for his girlfriend will set the stage immediately for his desires (congruency) and let her know he wants an open relationship...or to part ways.

My gf knows my appetite, and I know hers. she gives me green lights when I ask. I don't need to "cheat".

You're completely over-complicating things. By cheating twice on your gf, you have conveyed you need an open relationship. So be congruent with your needs and tell her you are now in an open relationship.

And if your ego can't handle her seeing other people, then you need to move on and next time frame things appropriately from the beginning, or at least hint at it.


Again, I don't think you read what I posted. Congruency has always been there from me. I've been open and honest with this girl that I do not want a monogamous relationship from the start. There have been several times where we or I got close to doing something but for various reasons it never actually happened.
Regarding ego, I stated in a previous post:

db6279 wrote:
This girl that I met talked about threesomes and swingers clubs (the latter mainly as entertainment rather than taking part). She was quite anti being with other guys and expressed a desire to mainly bring other girls in to the relationship. I have always made it clear that, within reason, I have no issue with us both being able to play away


I've got no issue with her having sex with someone else as I'm confident in myself.

And meh, when people make statements about what 'real men' do or don't do, my personal opinion is that they are compensating for their own insecurities.


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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 7:30 pm 
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I don't think you read what I posted before you embarked on your rant. This isn't something that was introduced 3-4 years in, it was present since day 1. I have always been congruent in the fact that I am not interested in a monogamous relationship and have always told her this since the start. However, despite us talking about it and occasionally getting close to acting on it; nothing was ever actually done.


Quote:
Again, I don't think you read what I posted. Congruency has always been there from me. I've been open and honest with this girl that I do not want a monogamous relationship from the start. There have been several times where we or I got close to doing something but for various reasons it never actually happened.
Regarding ego, I stated in a previous post:


No, OP...what you don't get is "congruency" isn't about what you TALK about or have EXPRESSED interest in. Congruency is about what you DO. You can't fuck one girl for 3-4 years and then say you're CONGRUENT with not wanting a monog relationship. Do you see how silly that sounds? Congruent from day 1 means introducing new girls on day 1, not talking about new girls on day 1.

Also, the very fact you had to HIDE sleeping with someone else, if you were truly congruent with not wanting monogamy, and believed that, you would've just told her when you got home. Thats congruence. If you were congruent with not wanting monogamy, girls would've been introduced. Not all this, "it came close but didn't happen."

If you felt it was understood you don't believe in monogamy you wont even consider this "cheating." How silly is that?
If you felt it was understood, you would've told her immediately.
If you had no interest in monogamy, chicks would've been introduced.

Be honest with yourself, you SAID some bs but your ACTIONS said "this is monogamous." You said some bs, but when you actually went there, you hid it...two times. Who in a supposedly open relationship hides fucking other women? Sorry man, you were in a monogamous relationship and you actions went with that. You can act like what you SAID is important but its not. You didn't bring other girls in and you hid what you did. Sounds like you knew what relationship you were in, and it wasn't even close to an open one.

A guy who is an open relationship, fucks other girls. And he doesn't hide when he fucks another girl. And he doesn't feel guilty when he fucks another girl. None of that applies to you, so talk aside, you cant truly believe in the words that you say.


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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 10:41 pm 
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neo87 wrote:
Be honest with yourself, you SAID some bs but your ACTIONS said "this is monogamous." You said some bs, but when you actually went there, you hid it...two times. Who in a supposedly open relationship hides fucking other women? Sorry man, you were in a monogamous relationship and you actions went with that. You can act like what you SAID is important but its not. You didn't bring other girls in and you hid what you did. Sounds like you knew what relationship you were in, and it wasn't even close to an open one.


Yep, the OP is bullshitting himself.

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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2017 3:03 am 
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neo87 wrote:
No, OP...what you don't get is "congruency" isn't about what you TALK about or have EXPRESSED interest in. Congruency is about what you DO.


You're making a huge assumption. It isn't relevant to the point of the OP so a blow by blow account of our sexual history was not provided. Did I fuck another girl during the relationship? No. But there were plenty of other incidences that would not be congruent with a monogamous relationship.

neo87 wrote:
Who in a supposedly open relationship hides fucking other women?


This is just incomprehension. At no point did I say this was an open relationship. In fact, I said that I do not want an open relationship in my first post. Monogamous and open relationships are not binary; there are options in between.

You're making assumptions with information that you don't have and seem to only be able to view things in monochrome. Both signs of immaturity and a fragile ego.


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 Post subject: Re: I cheated on my GF
PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2017 4:40 am 
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Quote:
You're making a huge assumption. It isn't relevant to the point of the OP so a blow by blow account of our sexual history was not provided. Did I fuck another girl during the relationship? No. But there were plenty of other incidences that would not be congruent with a monogamous relationship.


Quote:
However, despite us talking about it and occasionally getting close to acting on it; nothing was ever actually done.


Quote:
I know she was genuinely turned on by the idea of threesomes and such, but perhaps that was all it was ever going to be.


Quote:
I've been open and honest with this girl that I do not want a monogamous relationship from the start. There have been several times where we or I got close to doing something but for various reasons it never actually happened.


Clearly you say nothing happened, so when someone tells you nothing happened...thats NOT an assumption.

Quote:
This is just incomprehension. At no point did I say this was an open relationship. In fact, I said that I do not want an open relationship in my first post. Monogamous and open relationships are not binary; there are options in between.

You're making assumptions with information that you don't have and seem to only be able to view things in monochrome. Both signs of immaturity and a fragile ego.


You know what, educate me. I have no idea where if you're not sleeping with other people, where you say over and over that nothing happened, how thats not monogamy? If you have something thats not monagamous and it goes beyond what you said here, ie you TOLD her XYZ, then say so.

And no, actually I'm not assuming anything. I'm reading your words and saying them back to you with my opinion on your said situation. I'm not assuming you didnt fuck someone else, thats what you said. I'm not assuming nothing outside of monog relationship occurred, thats what you said. And I have no idea how even assumptions ties to my "fragile" ego. RC made assumptions about her dependence on parents...is HIS ego fragile? Is it just the opinions or assumptions that place blame on you that signal fragile egos? You are literally talking about "alphaness" and attraction and "friendzoning" in a cheating situation. No offense, that is probably the biggest signal of immaturity and a fragile ego when you're considering her attraction over her TRUST.

But anyways OP, disregard the above, because you're getting vague when called out. Simple question....if your relationship was not monogamous, and you were congruent why didnt you just say, "hey I'm gonna fuck someone else"? Before the first cheat. Before the 2nd cheat. You cheated, but if you were congruent, you couldve just done it and told her.

Whatever the case, if the chick really did leave more so for some expensive gifts over a 4 year relationship...if that was really what drove her out, what kinda relationship was that? How strong is that, and why would you want someone who chooses money they dont need over you? If that really was her reason, or even a big part of her reasoning, you can call it monogamy, open relationship or something in between...it's a shit relationship and was weak as hell. And instead of worrying about who is immature on a forum, maybe you should screen out immature women in the future. Because if this ended more so due to gifts than trust, its not my ego thats the fragile thing. Thats sincere advice and hope you REALLY know what you want the next time.


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