Found out girlfriend has kissed a friend of hers


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 5:29 am 
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Reading this and your other threads on this girl, you're insecure and dishonest. She's also insecure and dishonest. You dont trust this girl, and part is due to your own insecurities from your ex, but your chick is dishonest. She said she never cheated before on her ex, she did. When you confronted her, she kept lying. Years ago, when she had a bf you couldve fucked her, and while it was a good while back, it just sounds to me like she still has that shady shit going on. It's a small kiss, but you say it was months into exclusivity, so I dunno. But she lies, and has done this before and tbh, whats bad to me is she couldnt even be honest when caught so I dont think she's changed. You're not honest, she's not honest, youve had issues with her seeking male attention when there is a problem in your relationship...so this while she's saying sorry right now, she's texting the next guy. All I know is, if you dont trust her, dont be with her, and you havent trusted her.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 6:03 am 
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neo87 wrote:
Reading this and your other threads on this girl, you're insecure and dishonest. She's also insecure and dishonest. You dont trust this girl, and part is due to your own insecurities from your ex, but your chick is dishonest. She said she never cheated before on her ex, she did. When you confronted her, she kept lying. Years ago, when she had a bf you couldve fucked her, and while it was a good while back, it just sounds to me like she still has that shady shit going on. It's a small kiss, but you say it was months into exclusivity, so I dunno. But she lies, and has done this before and tbh, whats bad to me is she couldnt even be honest when caught so I dont think she's changed. You're not honest, she's not honest, youve had issues with her seeking male attention when there is a problem in your relationship...so this while she's saying sorry right now, she's texting the next guy. All I know is, if you dont trust her, dont be with her, and you havent trusted her.


Thanks for all your post, all good answers! When all comes down to it, I think that you are right Neo. She can't be trusted and pulls some shady shit once in a while. I generally think that she is unstable and what i Discovered in that book just proofs it. Going to shrink and having huge issues... It's just not worth my time.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:31 am 
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Breaking up with a girl (whom you've been dating for a year) who kissed a guy three weeks after you met her is neurotic behavior. There has to be stronger reasons (losing attraction, annoyance, etc).

And if you do it, you're doomed to repeat your insecurities onto the next girl.

There's fear, paranoia, a false narrative/naive outlook about women, and control issues at play here. You're looking for some pristine princess, and you're never going to find her.

Ever.

And Neo saying she's already texting the next guy is nonsense. There's no proof of that, at all. It only feeds into your insecurities/paranoia/control issues. And saying she's "unstable" because she likes attention, and has self-esteem problems is a fucking stretch. I'm actually embarrassed that two grown men can just leap to such massive conclusions...as if your gf of one year is an enemy, or adversary. This is childish shit, bro.

Instead of focusing on positive emotions to make a decision (like asking yourself how she makes you feel most of the time, how you make her feel, if you have fun most of the time, if you're good lovers, etc), you're focusing on your insecurities, and squatting in them, because you lack experience with women, and lack self-awareness, and fear loss/losing control.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:00 am 
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HBwarm-Cph wrote:
Thanks for all your post, all good answers! When all comes down to it, I think that you are right Neo. She can't be trusted and pulls some shady shit once in a while. I generally think that she is unstable and what i Discovered in that book just proofs it. Going to shrink and having huge issues... It's just not worth my time.


You also can't be trusted OP. Keep in mind what you did as well.

Walk away with a lesson learned from this.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:56 pm 
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Arch Stanton wrote:
Breaking up with a girl (whom you've been dating for a year) who kissed a guy three weeks after you met her is neurotic behavior. There has to be stronger reasons (losing attraction, annoyance, etc).

And if you do it, you're doomed to repeat your insecurities onto the next girl.

There's fear, paranoia, a false narrative/naive outlook about women, and control issues at play here. You're looking for some pristine princess, and you're never going to find her.

Ever.

And Neo saying she's already texting the next guy is nonsense. There's no proof of that, at all. It only feeds into your insecurities/paranoia/control issues. And saying she's "unstable" because she likes attention, and has self-esteem problems is a fucking stretch. I'm actually embarrassed that two grown men can just leap to such massive conclusions...as if your gf of one year is an enemy, or adversary. This is childish shit, bro.

Instead of focusing on positive emotions to make a decision (like asking yourself how she makes you feel most of the time, how you make her feel, if you have fun most of the time, if you're good lovers, etc), you're focusing on your insecurities, and squatting in them, because you lack experience with women, and lack self-awareness, and fear loss/losing control.


First you need to read what OP said. It wasn't 3 weeks after they meant.. It was months after being exclusive when she kissed the guy. Not 3 weeks after they met. Even then I said I dunno... If she promised exclusivity and kissed someone months later.. I dunno what to think. But let's not act like she kissed some guy 3 weeks after their first date. If she said she was exclusive with you and broke that it is what it is. I can't agree that OP shouldn't expect some level of honesty and faithfulness months in same way Id say she should expect some level of honesty and privacy with OP.

I don't think nor said she is his enemy.. But I said the truth. She lies. Now you can change that to I'm calling her evil but im not. Just stating the facts. She lies and OP lies. She is shady and this is like the 5th thing OP has written with her being shady.

As to whether she's texting a guy.. Thats an assumption. If a chick seeks make attention when you have an issue as she has with OP in the past. Yes I assume she's doing that right now during this troubling time. But kissing and whatever else isn't the issue anyway. As I said he is with a girl that he doesn't trust and yes he's insecure due to his ex.. But this chick is also untrustworthy. Whether she kissed a guy or not doesn't matter he can't trust her so shouldn't be in that relationship. Should the guy be with a chick who isn't honest with him and who he doesn't trust? No. And she shouldn't be with a guy who is dishonest and invades her privacy. Even the shrink thing... Guy has to find out a year into it she's been going to a shrink? Is this a relationship? I don't give a fuck whether she loves cock and wants threesomes.. . What's important is there isn't trust here, secrets and lies. He can very well stay in this.. Just don't expect the truth and continue being ok with not trusting her. If they are on the same page with that ok.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 6:17 pm 
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At the end of the day you need to discern/separate the insecurities that have become a part of you from previous relationships from those that have been created/stoked from this person's behavior.

Neo's the resident detective here, I don't have the time to scour through your previous posts, but as he'd stated if you don't trust her then the relationship itself is built upon sand and your attachment sways whichever way the wind happens to blow at any particular moment.

If you don't trust her, beyond this instance, is there any rationale to not do so or is it ghosts from the past coming back to haunt you. That's something only you can answer.

The therapist in me is curious as to what she'd felt "embarrassed" about kissing this other fella. Was it embarrassment (e.g. kissed someone she liked, kissed in public etc), was it shame (e.g. she was kissing another while in a committed relationship), was it something else?


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:57 pm 
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neo87 wrote:
First you need to read what OP said. It wasn't 3 weeks after they meant.. It was months after being exclusive when she kissed the guy.



That's a different story, I didn't see that post.

That said, does it really matter in the big picture? a kiss is harmless, IMHO. Does it betray trust? yeah it does. But are we human, and animals? Yeah. Did it disrupt the relationship?

Only when he found out.


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Not 3 weeks after they met. Even then I said I dunno... If she promised exclusivity and kissed someone months later.. I dunno what to think. But let's not act like she kissed some guy 3 weeks after their first date. If she said she was exclusive with you and broke that it is what it is. I can't agree that OP shouldn't expect some level of honesty and faithfulness months in same way Id say she should expect some level of honesty and privacy with OP.


I see what you are saying. But I come from a place (lol) where this shit just doesn't get to me anymore.

Lying about the kiss would be a bigger red flag for me than the kiss, if that makes sense. Lying is a HUGE deal to me. If a girl is honest with me, I'll give her a lot of leeway.


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I don't think nor said she is his enemy.. But I said the truth. She lies.


Right.


But there's a tone on here from many posters, that have this fatalistic view that make it seems like these women are adversaries. It's a weird frame, IMHO for someone who is lying naked in your bed on a regular basis. I think it's a frame created by lack of experience with women, and insecurity.


Quote:
As to whether she's texting a guy.. Thats an assumption. If a chick seeks make attention when you have an issue as she has with OP in the past.



Yeah. I'm not saying it's not possible. Of course it is. But the OP has already gone off the deep end IMHO, and this just fueled the fire.


Quote:
As I said he is with a girl that he doesn't trust and yes he's insecure due to his ex..


That's why I advocate looking at bigger picture issues:

1. Does this woman make me feel good when I'm with her?
2. Is the sex good?
3. How often does she lie?

Look at those things and decide from there, rather than pre-supposing she's mentally unstable and currently texting guys.

Quote:
Should the guy be with a chick who isn't honest with him and who he doesn't trust? No.


Depends on how great the other aspects are. He's not marrying her at this point, so I think context is important.

Quote:
And she shouldn't be with a guy who is dishonest and invades her privacy. Even the shrink thing... Guy has to find out a year into it she's been going to a shrink? Is this a relationship? I don't give a fuck whether she loves cock and wants threesomes.. . What's important is there isn't trust here, secrets and lies.



Eh. what's most important IMHO is fun. That's all relationships are supposed to be. If not, why the fuck even bother?

Quote:
He can very well stay in this.. Just don't expect the truth and continue being ok with not trusting her. If they are on the same page with that ok.


Agreed. But I would blow this thing up a bit, start having dirtier sex, and start putting her more in the light of a playmate than a great girlfriend. Keep it like that, keep it hot and fun, and let her prove herself to him if she's great girlfriend material organically.

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