How do you guys believe in yourself?



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PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 8:59 am 
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Hi guys,

Just wanted to put some thoughts down in black and white.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my own inner game and the ups and downs associated with it, I can fluctuate from happy and confident to depressed and anxious in an instant. I can walk into a venue, make eye contact immediately and start a conversation with someone or I can be the typical slouch with glass or bottle cupped to his chest in the corner of the bar.

Now I know we can all do this to a certain extent based on our environment, how the day has been etc. But I'm almost in a position where it's pot luck how I'm turning up.

I suppose what I'm wondering is how you all change your state? How do you genuinely have unwavering belief in yourselves?

I've currently just completed my degree and have turned down two job offers abroad, I feel I know my worth from a business stand point but I still find myself having these sheltered moments when I'm out, even during the day I could be in the mall and chat no problem some days and others it's like I'm back to square one.

What's your thoughts?

Thanks,

Bren


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 9:55 pm 
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To be honest I think it's pretty normal that sometimes you feel down and maybe want to be alone and in a quiet environment. Nobody is able to be always energetic and always happy.

If you want to learn how you can change a good vibe into a bad vibe I suggest you learn some NLP.

And lastly; when you have these down, quiet moments and you actually want to have them to reflect or something, just make sure you're alone. In my opinion there aren't many benefits from being quiet and down in a group.


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PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2017 12:22 am 
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Bren90 wrote:
I suppose what I'm wondering is how you all change your state? How do you genuinely have unwavering belief in yourselves?

Your expectation that you need to be "unwavering" isn't realistic. It's natural for your confidence to be influenced by your mood, but if you find it disappearing in any given moment, then it's probably related to your negative self talk. I would start to look at your attachment to outcome. If you come into a room with the frame that you're open to create fun relationships with women, then all of your nonverbals will improve and you won't feel the need to hit any particular goal for that evening. You will automatically have more appeal.

Your problem is that you're too afraid of failure and embarrassment. If you didn't have that fear, then you wouldn't be seeking confidence in yourself. You're not actually afraid of failure. You're afraid of how shitty you're gonna feel if you do fail. If your sense of well-being hinges on meeting your goals for the evening, then you're already setting yourself up for failure and feeling shitty. You're already telling women nonverbally that you need them to validate you just to feel good about yourself. I don't have to tell you have negatively that affects your game.

So the solution is to intentionally fail and get rejected so you can work through your fear of how you're gonna feel when you fail. You need to experience your own process of recovering from beating yourself up when you fail. It's all about taking action and letting go. From there you can start to self-validate based on living though those emotions enough times to know they won't kill you. And that will bring confidence without any external dependencies.

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PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2017 12:22 am 
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Bren90 wrote:
I suppose what I'm wondering is how you all change your state? How do you genuinely have unwavering belief in yourselves?

Your expectation that you need to be "unwavering" isn't realistic. It's natural for your confidence to be influenced by your mood, but if you find it disappearing in any given moment, then it's probably related to your negative self talk. I would start to look at your attachment to outcome. If you come into a room with the frame that you're open to create fun relationships with women, then all of your nonverbals will improve and you won't feel the need to hit any particular goal for that evening. You will automatically have more appeal.

Your problem is that you're too afraid of failure and embarrassment. If you didn't have that fear, then you wouldn't be seeking confidence in yourself. You're not actually afraid of failure. You're afraid of how shitty you're gonna feel if you do fail. If your sense of well-being hinges on meeting your goals for the evening, then you're already setting yourself up for failure and feeling shitty. You're already telling women nonverbally that you need them to validate you just to feel good about yourself. I don't have to tell you have negatively that affects your game.

So the solution is to intentionally fail and get rejected so you can work through your fear of how you're gonna feel when you fail. You need to experience your own process of recovering from beating yourself up when you fail. It's all about taking action and letting go. From there you can start to self-validate based on living though those emotions enough times to know they won't kill you. And that will bring confidence without any external dependencies.

_________________
No More Mr. Nice Guy Certified Coach
Science of People Certified Body Language Trainer
San Diego, CA

Wanna strategize? Let's talk.


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PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2017 12:55 am 
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Yea you are being too critical on yourself and not realizing that most others struggle with these same types of issues. jasonm also had some good points about being detached from outcome.

One thing I'm doing now that I'm getting back into game is not having any goals during my sarges. For example, if I go out to the mall. Maybe I see some decent girls, maybe I try to open one or drop some hooks as I walk by. Maybe she bites, or doesn't. The place could be full of single HB's that day, or virtually empty. I have no objectives as far as getting laid or even opening X amount of sets. I just go out and let whatever happens happen and try to do what I think I can do while I'm there. If nothing happens I don't feel like I failed anything, just like you don't feel like you failed anything when you go to McDonalds and come home with no chick's numbers.

My chances of success are still the exact same, it's just a matter of the amount of pressure (or lack thereof) that I self-impose. And I can either feel bad about myself afterwards, or feel no different than I did before I went out. And even if I pull a number, I don't let myself get too high, because she may not answer. That would only set myself up yet again for disappointment and feelings of self-doubt.

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