EX partner help please - dont bother or try again?


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 3:41 am 
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JackZero wrote:
neo87 wrote:
I see OP more at fault here....these are just my thoughts. 4 years, 27 year old chick, and a child. Now I dont think she's looking for financial support from you due to the child, if that was the case, she wont have ended it. She couldve fucked new guy miles away, come back and taken your money. I would imagine, from her point of view, she's been with you 4 years and you are not leading it anywhere. Wtf is "open" to having children...at 36? Thats fine if you're 36 and single, not 36 and 4 years deep with a chick at 27. Espec, with a child already there. "Plans of moving in", "open to kids"....thats not security for a chick at her age, with a child and 4 years in. Her best years are gone, going and she prob doesnt want to be a single mother/gf at 30. Now, that doesnt mean she's using you...its a security thing. And 4 years already gone. You could move in or not. You could want kids or decide not to. You could want marriage or decide to continue dating. So I could see how a chick can just leave that situation when you're not leading the relationship anywhere. Yeah, she fucked a guy, prob planned to fuck this guy, I could kinda get it if youve given her 4 years of "dating" with no serious idea where things are going. I read it as, she prob doesnt want to fuck because she'll get drawn back into a relationship that's not going anywhere where you 2 dont sound like you're on the same page. She prob fucked this guy, he didnt take her seriously and she realized you were the option remaining. You 2 should prob not be together, but you didnt give this girl much security when it comes to where things are heading to. She may not want your financial support, but you gave her 4 years and no security.
Here's why I wouldn't count out financial. She's finishing school and the timing on a breakup is odd. She's 27 years old with a kid and moving up in her tax bracket soon. 27 is relatively young and makes her a prime target for educated men in the OP's age group but the kid takes away from that. Her walking out is more likely a "what else is out there" type of thing and any guy she looks at now has to be able to provide what she will be able to provide.


I could see that. What was just striking to me was the length of time with OP not having a plan and her proposing etc.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 5:27 am 
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Neo I agree with you. I should have shown more commitment. Her vibe is definitely more the 'you were not committed enough to me' narrative.

I did buy a big old house last year which I'm renovating currently and asked her to move in but she said no due to taking her daughter out of their local school but she only mentioned this for the first time AFTER we broke up.

She is from a wealthy family. They don't need my money. I'm comfortable in terms of that but they have more than me.

Now I've said to her I want to have child with her and I will turn one of my spare bedrooms into a kids room so her daughter can stop over too with her she wants to try again which brings us to this point of starting over next week.

It's a shame really as we both genuinely love one another and this could all have been avoided if we both had been more honest especially me.

She said the other guy reminded her of me but he was also a single parent and could offer the family life she's after which attracted but he rapidly turned into a possessive nutjob and she said it made her realise how good I was to her in general and now she knows I want her to have my kid she wants us to try again.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 1:53 pm 
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ninjabib wrote:
She said the other guy reminded her of me but he was also a single parent and could offer the family life she's after which attracted but he rapidly turned into a possessive nutjob and she said it made her realise how good I was to her in general and now she knows I want her to have my kid she wants us to try again.


This is kind of stupid. I agree with neo that her not sleeping with you is most likely a preemptive defense towards not getting in an emotional state, where she'd make a decision of getting back with you based on reignited feelings, but the woman is 27. When you're 27 you're expected to have enough life experience to know people and to know who you have besides you.

The fact that she needed a nutjob to scare her off the dating market and consequently "realize" how good you were, makes me question her maturity. You're not a teenager anymore. You shouldn't need to be exposed to the worst in order to be able to appreciate the best.

I generally advise against getting back with exes, but there's exceptions to all rules I guess. Fact that she slept with another guy should be of no importance. As you said, you were both single and you handled it with maturity.

So OP, what about you? Do you want to get married? Have kids? Start a family? And if so, do you want to do these things with her? Do you genuinely believe she's the best match for you?

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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 2:00 pm 
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She says shes not sure what she wants,


Translates to, her wanting new dick. Period.

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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 2:04 pm 
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Heywood Jablowme wrote:
She says shes not sure what she wants,



Sounds like you will provide the secure relationship for her while she gets cock from elsewhere. Then the point will come when she will find a new suitable partner and you will be brushed to one side. I've been there and learnt the lesson.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 2:15 pm 
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It is called fatherhood by equity. If you spend enough hristmas dinners with the kid, drive the kid to soccer practice and help the kid ride a bike, even if that child's father is not you, you can be forced to pay additional support. A family court judge will say you have acted as a father to the point where you have a financial obligation due to your involvement. And all it will take is one fight between you and her to trigger a support filing.

Drop her entirely. She is not so special that you cannot have a happy life alone or with another woman.

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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 9:24 pm 
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R.C wrote:
ninjabib wrote:
She said the other guy reminded her of me but he was also a single parent and could offer the family life she's after which attracted but he rapidly turned into a possessive nutjob and she said it made her realise how good I was to her in general and now she knows I want her to have my kid she wants us to try again.


This is kind of stupid. I agree with neo that her not sleeping with you is most likely a preemptive defense towards not getting in an emotional state, where she'd make a decision of getting back with you based on reignited feelings, but the woman is 27. When you're 27 you're expected to have enough life experience to know people and to know who you have besides you.

The fact that she needed a nutjob to scare her off the dating market and consequently "realize" how good you were, makes me question her maturity. You're not a teenager anymore. You shouldn't need to be exposed to the worst in order to be able to appreciate the best.

I generally advise against getting back with exes, but there's exceptions to all rules I guess. Fact that she slept with another guy should be of no importance. As you said, you were both single and you handled it with maturity.

So OP, what about you? Do you want to get married? Have kids? Start a family? And if so, do you want to do these things with her? Do you genuinely believe she's the best match for you?



I told her we will never get married she said that's fine. I would like to have a kid and have that kid with her which is what she says is all she wanted from me in terms of commitment. She said as she believed I would not offer her my child she could not be with me but now we have had that discussion once and for all she wants to try again.

If things don't work out life will go on and I will be ok but I would like to try.

She mentioned the other guy because she said she needed to be up front with me about her "moronic behaviour" before we could try again. As stated I said not an issue. You were single and the things I've done while single are of no importance either. She agreed.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 10:57 pm 
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Quote:
I told her we will never get married she said that's fine. I would like to have a kid and have that kid with her which is what she says is all she wanted from me in terms of commitment. She said as she believed I would not offer her my child she could not be with me but now we have had that discussion once and for all she wants to try again.

If things don't work out life will go on and I will be ok but I would like to try.

She mentioned the other guy because she said she needed to be up front with me about her "moronic behaviour" before we could try again. As stated I said not an issue. You were single and the things I've done while single are of no importance either. She agreed.


Yeah, I agree with RC....I have no idea why you'd take serious a chick who had to meet a nutjob to came back to you. Heck, I could even understand if you had said she met a ton of great guys, but realized you were special or some shit...but a nutjob? She'll leave again, because the first try wasnt even a good one.

Also, I didnt mean you should have been more committed. You should have known what you wanted. And whats fucked up on both of you right now, is yall are planning to bring a kid into this situation. She's scared off from the dating market. You're afraid of losing her. Now yall want to bring a kid into the world to tie this all together? Neither of you are making sensible choices. Yall dont want to be a family, yall want to have the other one's child. For what reason? A child is not a "lets meet halfway" point. It's not a compromise. If you're thinking about "trying".... a child should not be in that equation.

Yall are grown people. She may not be after your money, but a chick talking about having my child for "commitment" is a huge red flag.


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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 7:22 am 
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Neo I appreciate your input but I just want to be clear when I say I am not saying I want a kid with her to win her back. I made the decision about a year ago while we were together but never spoke about it as she started to say she didn't want another kid which she admitted recently was untrue.

Even if we get back together we will not instantly start trying for a child but as long as it's an option down the line she is happy to try again.


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PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2017 1:40 am 
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DJ_Z wrote:
The kid should be an issue for you. There are absolutely zero women with children that are not looking at men based largely on the financial impact that man can have on her family.


Is it not feasible that a single parent could feasibly have a decent enough quality of life for herself and the kid that a suitor being wealthy is appealing as opposed to necessary?


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PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2017 11:05 am 
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Curtis72 wrote:
DJ_Z wrote:
The kid should be an issue for you. There are absolutely zero women with children that are not looking at men based largely on the financial impact that man can have on her family.


Is it not feasible that a single parent could feasibly have a decent enough quality of life for herself and the kid that a suitor being wealthy is appealing as opposed to necessary?


That question makes no sense.

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