How to handle this?


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 Post subject: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:07 pm 
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3 days ago my girlfriend and I broke up. Classic case of "made for each other". Everything was going well until a moment 2 months ago. I shared something very personal with her and she didn't handle it very well. I was shattered and in return was acting like a dickhead for a lot of the time towards her - which I didn't see at the time. I thought she wasn't listening to me because she didn't actually understand how hurt I was. I communicated that poorly but lost all my trust in her.

We were supposed to go away on Monday for 2 days. I am successful with what I do but she comes from a very wealthy family with parents who have very high and delusional standards. Since she mishandled the situation I felt like I was messed up and got insecure about who I was and how my salary mightn't have been good enough (even though it was never what mattered to her). I cancelled the trip by sending her a text saying I had an issue (feeling insecure about finances as earlier on she mentioned how much someone else was earning). My issue was how to improve my business to earn more - I didn't communicate that full of fear she'd mishandle it again.

I was being a complete dick to her at times and I am truly sorry. What made it worse I didn't realise I was treating her badly - I thought I was being attacked.

On Monday she rang me and broke up with me on the phone. It was weird. I got off the phone furious because there was a lot of incredible moments we shared together and somehow the negatives (even the small issues that were resolved) came back as much bigger deals. I was furious but sat down and realised she's not the kind of person to do that and I must have really hurt her to not even have the courage to meet me. At that point I also started to realise what I had done so I rang and apologised. I expressed my regret, I said I respected and understood her decision but that I also think there's more and that I didn't mean for any of it. She was hurt badly before and the guy really messed her confidence up and she started feeling I was doing the same thing. Because I never explained (and understood) how truly hurt I was.

We met the next day, had a great chat that ended in 4h of sex and it was hot and kinky. We haven't even thought of other people and we both said we missed each other. She text me the same day (when we broke up) to say all she wanted was for me to cuddle her so sleep. She said she was afraid I'd hurt her again. The idea of which hurt me because it was never my intention but I didn't understand or see why I was treating her the way I was.

Here we are, 2 days later. After saying multiple times we loved each other, we want to be together and work this out she's still scared. She told me this morning her sister found out about my secret (by accident) on Sunday evening. On Monday, after we broke up but before we met on Tuesday, she promised she'd never belittle my issues and I could trust her. When I originally told her about my secret, I told her I didn't want anybody to know. She said maybe we were incompatible and that I wasn't honest with her because I didn't say how hurt I was. So today, she told me her sister found out. After making a promise and telling me I wasn't honest she broke the word she gave me.

I want to be with her, I love her and she loves me. We miss each other. Because I love her I really don't care and am forgiving her and moving on. She says she trusts me that I don't want to hurt her but still doesn't want to go back to the things they were (even though we both agreed to work this out and said it's going to be okay). I thought it meant we were back together but today she said we agreed to give each other time and work things out first before we get back together officially.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult for her to forgive and move on despite saying she wants to and that she misses me. It messes with my head. She took responsibility for what she did, she finally understood how hurt I was but it's still not making everything go away. What am I supposed to do?


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:16 pm 
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Vegeeta wrote:
What am I supposed to do?
Relax. The way you're describing yourself right now is not attractive because you are on defense. Get out there with your buddies and do the things (other than her) that make you happy. Talk to her and be positive when you do. If she sees that you're happy and doing well...she'll want to be part of that.


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:19 pm 
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JackZero wrote:
Vegeeta wrote:
What am I supposed to do?
Relax. The way you're describing yourself right now is not attractive because you are on defense. Get out there with your buddies and do the things (other than her) that make you happy. Talk to her and be positive when you do. If she sees that you're happy and doing well...she'll want to be part of that.


Should I take time away from her and just not text either?


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:20 pm 
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Vegeeta wrote:
3 days ago my girlfriend and I broke up. Classic case of "made for each other". Everything was going well until a moment 2 months ago. I shared something very personal with her and she didn't handle it very well. I was shattered and in return was acting like a dickhead for a lot of the time towards her - which I didn't see at the time. I thought she wasn't listening to me because she didn't actually understand how hurt I was. I communicated that poorly but lost all my trust in her.

We were supposed to go away on Monday for 2 days. I am successful with what I do but she comes from a very wealthy family with parents who have very high and delusional standards. Since she mishandled the situation I felt like I was messed up and got insecure about who I was and how my salary mightn't have been good enough (even though it was never what mattered to her). I cancelled the trip by sending her a text saying I had an issue (feeling insecure about finances as earlier on she mentioned how much someone else was earning). My issue was how to improve my business to earn more - I didn't communicate that full of fear she'd mishandle it again.

I was being a complete dick to her at times and I am truly sorry. What made it worse I didn't realise I was treating her badly - I thought I was being attacked.

On Monday she rang me and broke up with me on the phone. It was weird. I got off the phone furious because there was a lot of incredible moments we shared together and somehow the negatives (even the small issues that were resolved) came back as much bigger deals. I was furious but sat down and realised she's not the kind of person to do that and I must have really hurt her to not even have the courage to meet me. At that point I also started to realise what I had done so I rang and apologised. I expressed my regret, I said I respected and understood her decision but that I also think there's more and that I didn't mean for any of it. She was hurt badly before and the guy really messed her confidence up and she started feeling I was doing the same thing. Because I never explained (and understood) how truly hurt I was.

We met the next day, had a great chat that ended in 4h of sex and it was hot and kinky. We haven't even thought of other people and we both said we missed each other. She text me the same day (when we broke up) to say all she wanted was for me to cuddle her so sleep. She said she was afraid I'd hurt her again. The idea of which hurt me because it was never my intention but I didn't understand or see why I was treating her the way I was.

Here we are, 2 days later. After saying multiple times we loved each other, we want to be together and work this out she's still scared. She told me this morning her sister found out about my secret (by accident) on Sunday evening. On Monday, after we broke up but before we met on Tuesday, she promised she'd never belittle my issues and I could trust her. When I originally told her about my secret, I told her I didn't want anybody to know. She said maybe we were incompatible and that I wasn't honest with her because I didn't say how hurt I was. So today, she told me her sister found out. After making a promise and telling me I wasn't honest she broke the word she gave me.

I want to be with her, I love her and she loves me. We miss each other. Because I love her I really don't care and am forgiving her and moving on. She says she trusts me that I don't want to hurt her but still doesn't want to go back to the things they were (even though we both agreed to work this out and said it's going to be okay). I thought it meant we were back together but today she said we agreed to give each other time and work things out first before we get back together officially.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult for her to forgive and move on despite saying she wants to and that she misses me. It messes with my head. She took responsibility for what she did, she finally understood how hurt I was but it's still not making everything go away. What am I supposed to do?


What's the secret


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:23 pm 
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neo87 wrote:
Vegeeta wrote:
3 days ago my girlfriend and I broke up. Classic case of "made for each other". Everything was going well until a moment 2 months ago. I shared something very personal with her and she didn't handle it very well. I was shattered and in return was acting like a dickhead for a lot of the time towards her - which I didn't see at the time. I thought she wasn't listening to me because she didn't actually understand how hurt I was. I communicated that poorly but lost all my trust in her.

We were supposed to go away on Monday for 2 days. I am successful with what I do but she comes from a very wealthy family with parents who have very high and delusional standards. Since she mishandled the situation I felt like I was messed up and got insecure about who I was and how my salary mightn't have been good enough (even though it was never what mattered to her). I cancelled the trip by sending her a text saying I had an issue (feeling insecure about finances as earlier on she mentioned how much someone else was earning). My issue was how to improve my business to earn more - I didn't communicate that full of fear she'd mishandle it again.

I was being a complete dick to her at times and I am truly sorry. What made it worse I didn't realise I was treating her badly - I thought I was being attacked.

On Monday she rang me and broke up with me on the phone. It was weird. I got off the phone furious because there was a lot of incredible moments we shared together and somehow the negatives (even the small issues that were resolved) came back as much bigger deals. I was furious but sat down and realised she's not the kind of person to do that and I must have really hurt her to not even have the courage to meet me. At that point I also started to realise what I had done so I rang and apologised. I expressed my regret, I said I respected and understood her decision but that I also think there's more and that I didn't mean for any of it. She was hurt badly before and the guy really messed her confidence up and she started feeling I was doing the same thing. Because I never explained (and understood) how truly hurt I was.

We met the next day, had a great chat that ended in 4h of sex and it was hot and kinky. We haven't even thought of other people and we both said we missed each other. She text me the same day (when we broke up) to say all she wanted was for me to cuddle her so sleep. She said she was afraid I'd hurt her again. The idea of which hurt me because it was never my intention but I didn't understand or see why I was treating her the way I was.

Here we are, 2 days later. After saying multiple times we loved each other, we want to be together and work this out she's still scared. She told me this morning her sister found out about my secret (by accident) on Sunday evening. On Monday, after we broke up but before we met on Tuesday, she promised she'd never belittle my issues and I could trust her. When I originally told her about my secret, I told her I didn't want anybody to know. She said maybe we were incompatible and that I wasn't honest with her because I didn't say how hurt I was. So today, she told me her sister found out. After making a promise and telling me I wasn't honest she broke the word she gave me.

I want to be with her, I love her and she loves me. We miss each other. Because I love her I really don't care and am forgiving her and moving on. She says she trusts me that I don't want to hurt her but still doesn't want to go back to the things they were (even though we both agreed to work this out and said it's going to be okay). I thought it meant we were back together but today she said we agreed to give each other time and work things out first before we get back together officially.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult for her to forgive and move on despite saying she wants to and that she misses me. It messes with my head. She took responsibility for what she did, she finally understood how hurt I was but it's still not making everything go away. What am I supposed to do?


What's the secret


Does it really matter? If it does, I can DM you, I'd not share it publicly.


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:25 pm 
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Vegeeta wrote:
JackZero wrote:
Vegeeta wrote:
What am I supposed to do?
Relax. The way you're describing yourself right now is not attractive because you are on defense. Get out there with your buddies and do the things (other than her) that make you happy. Talk to her and be positive when you do. If she sees that you're happy and doing well...she'll want to be part of that.


Should I take time away from her and just not text either?
You don't have to take time away from her if you don't need the time away. Just don't create or sacrifice time to trying to get her back.


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:30 pm 
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If you don't want to share specifics it's ok...just general...like something happened to you that traumatized you or you have family issues. Are you thinking her perception of you changed?


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:32 pm 
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neo87 wrote:
If you don't want to share specifics it's ok...just general...like something happened to you that traumatized you or you have family issues. Are you thinking her perception of you changed?


Yeah, the first one. No, in fact she said she thinks it makes me an amazing person. She's just "protecting herself not to get hurt again".


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 11:00 pm 
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How did you mistreat her


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 11:02 pm 
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Why are you incompatible

What were the other fights about?


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 11:09 pm 
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neo87 wrote:
Why are you incompatible

What were the other fights about?


The biggest issue she has is that once, in an argument I told her she wasn't listening and being dramatic. She said her friends and family say she's the least dramatic person and she just doesn't get why I said that. I replied saying "well, maybe they are wrong". Heated comment I made because I didn't feel understood. There actually weren't many fights but she seems to think there were. I got angry and blunt with her a couple of times and I cancelled the trip last minute.

We're incompatible because she's highly sensitive and I have a side to me that can be blunt and harsh (it only came out with her after mishandling the secret I shared because I lost my trust in her).


Having said all of that, she said she wants to be with me, can't imagine not having me around etc. Am I just being too hasty with wanting everything to be back to normal? There are moments when we laugh (on the phone, decided not to see each other for few days) and it all feels good just for her to turn around 20 min later and say how upset she is.

I GENUINELY don't see it as as big a deal and that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme. She agreed this morning to then turn around and say she was scared I'd hurt her again. Even though she made a promise and still hid something from me. We have no interest in other people either. I feel like an idiot for pushing it so much because it seems all so logical to me and because of what she's saying.


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 11:47 pm 
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Ok

I'll go a bit further than Jack..you're on the defense AND you're delusional. I say this, because the way you speak about everything is so needy. First, with that "classic case of made for each other"..if you were made for each other she wouldnt be breaking up with you over the phone. Second, its a max 4 month relationship. And if she dumped you over the phone, at least a month ago she's been planning to.

You're needy and you want so badly for this to work. You're saying things like a mind reader ie "we both havent thought of anyone else" ...if you knew the chick, again you wouldve known a dump was coming and if you knew the chick you wouldve known she wont keep your secret. You need to take a step back and see whats going on. I dont know if you're just deluding yourself, or you're deluding yourself and beleiving her bs. I dont know a secret where its that serious and bothers you, that she could tell you it makes you an amazing person. If she thought so, I dont know how she couldve handled it badly. And if it was this great thing, sis wouldnt be hearing about it. So maybe she hit you with that bs. Chick brings up "we're incompatible"....thats just not out of the blue or because she's sensitive and your suddenly blunt. You have reasons for everything...you're not being honest with yourself. Is the chick the least dramatic person, doesnt sound so. Is she sensitive? Wasnt sensitive about your issue, or listening to you, or in the aftermath seems like its about her. If this issue started from how she handled a trauma that was so serious to you that you cant tell strangers on an anonymous forum, and hurt youve been holding onto for 2 months because of it, I'd hope she show more concern, not asking you to pay for her baggage.

My final thoughts are as Jack said, go enjoy yourself. You have reasons for the breakup, it just sounds like the chick doesnt want it. And the more defensive and accommodating you are to her drama and baggage the worse it will be. Either there were more arguments and she has a legit reason to be afraid, or as you said, she made up shit in her head...most likely just to find a reason to leave.


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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Thu Apr 20, 2017 7:20 am 
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You're being needy OP. Jack and neo are right. You're making the same mistake all guys in your situation do. You listen to her words, but ignore her actions. What she says erupts from the emotional shitstorm she's experiencing right now. And emotions are volatile. She will mean what she says in the very moment, but that speaks nothing of what she'll feel in 10 minutes.

Her actions on the other hand are not on the same page. You have a traumatic secret and her sister finds out not one week later? Come on dude.
Neo hit every point so I won't repeat all of them, but her actions are flagrant.

Guys are right. Step back, enjoy life. No woman wants to carry the weight of her man on their shoulders. Ultimately the problem isn't how she handled your issue, it's how you are handling your issue. And not being able to share it with a forum of complete strangers shows just that. No matter how traumatizing it is, it's part of who you are and you can either face and own it, or run from it and let in guvnor your life.

You're doing the latter.

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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 2:08 pm 
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R.C wrote:
You're being needy OP. Jack and neo are right. You're making the same mistake all guys in your situation do. You listen to her words, but ignore her actions. What she says erupts from the emotional shitstorm she's experiencing right now. And emotions are volatile. She will mean what she says in the very moment, but that speaks nothing of what she'll feel in 10 minutes.

Her actions on the other hand are not on the same page. You have a traumatic secret and her sister finds out not one week later? Come on dude.
Neo hit every point so I won't repeat all of them, but her actions are flagrant.

Guys are right. Step back, enjoy life. No woman wants to carry the weight of her man on their shoulders. Ultimately the problem isn't how she handled your issue, it's how you are handling your issue. And not being able to share it with a forum of complete strangers shows just that. No matter how traumatizing it is, it's part of who you are and you can either face and own it, or run from it and let in guvnor your life.

You're doing the latter.


There's an update. I stepped back for the week and she got in touch. We resolved our issues. As it turned out, what happened between us, the reaction was exaggerated. She told me about her previous relationship and the shit she has been put through and how the small actions of mine trigged those points and picked off the scabs. We resolved everything between us but things weren't right still. As I am typing this, I am only home from having spent the last 2 nights with her. There were moments when we were better than ever, amazing sex etc. However some sort of a wall was still there.

She confessed that her parents pretty much made her choose between the family's support or relationship with me. When we started going out the family were telling her she's not ready for the relationship and were never ready to accept me (or even meet me - I've never met them!). The moment she got upset over that issue and her unresolved past they were all over it telling her how wrong our relationship was.

She has said it multiple times over the last few days how she loves me and wants to be with me. She said the only thing standing in the way is her family's opinion. Issue is deeper, no matter what she does it's never good enough. Psychologist told her the same thing before. She's stuck in that loop.

When I left her place at 2 today she rang me 3 min later saying she ran out after me (I was already gone). I wanted to turn around and drive back but she said "it's best if we don't".

She just rang me there, in the middle of typing this post, to say her mum rang her. She was supposed to visit her family today but she decided not to. Her mum rang to tell her off for not doing that. She rang me straight after to tell me how she stood up for herself saying she didn't want to go and how it went from her not wanting to visit to her mum telling her she's been doing bad decisions all her life. Correct me if I am wrong - is this too twisted?

I left saying I love her and this can literally all go away in an instant because there's nothing wrong between us. It was a minor blip that led to this. Have you EVER dealt with anything of this sort? I walked away, I kind of made my peace but I am struggling to understand how someone's parents would want to get in the way of their own child's happiness and make them choose?


Last edited by Vegeeta on Sun Apr 23, 2017 4:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: How to handle this?
PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 4:06 pm 
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Vegeeta wrote:
I left saying I love her and this can literally all go away in an instant because there's nothing wrong between us. It was a minor blip that led to this. Have you EVER dealt with anything of this sort? I walked away, I kind of made my peace but I am struggling to understand how someone's parents would want to get in the way of their own child's happiness and make them choose?


Control freak parents are just about as common as control freak boyfriend or girlfriends.

Look, here's the thing. A relationship involves two people, you and her. You can't bring friends, siblings, parents or anyone else into that mix. If you do, the relationship starts to die off.

She can't control the fact that she was born into parents like that, but she can and should control the extent to which they influence her life. In other words, if the parents are dictating her life, much as they are to blame for that, the fault is her own for allowing it. And if she continues to allow it you two will not have a successful relationship. She won't have that with anyone.

To me, that's too much drama. I expect the woman I call my girlfriend to be independent enough to not take that kind of bullshit. It's not always easy, but you can't let mommy and daddy tell you what clothes to wear your entire life.

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