On a 'break' with girlfriend - what next?


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:49 am 
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I've perused this thread.

From the looks of things she's a withdrawer.

She knows how to tantalize you to keep you dangling on the line.

She probably gets testy / pulls away when things get a bit too intense for her.


She's been in relationships where she's been 'checked out' for some time. That tells me she likely has issues around intimacy (also evidenced in the description you give of her in bed).

You're probably right, she may be quite sexually experienced. Withdrawers GENERALLY have had many sexual partners where the act is physical. If there is some sort of emotional connection then sex is no longer enjoyable as the potential thought of getting hurt is on the forefront of their mind. A side note, withdrawers are more prone to infidelity too.

You probably feel as though she's doing a push/pull type game on you, but the reality is withdrawers pull away to protect themselves, only to return when things cool down (withdrawer softening).

Her telling you she values her independence is a massive red flag IMHO. Why? DEPENDENCY is actually a healthy thing in a relationship. We look to our partner to sooth us in times of duress. Much like a healthy attachment between a child and its mother, adult relationships are really no different. What I mean specifically by this is that if you continually find that whenever you have an "are you there for me?" moment, and your partner isn't responsive, then insecurity breeds in the relationship.

When somebody keeps commenting on wanting independence, its a tell-tale sign they're a withdrawer and keep one foot/one foot out the relationship to maintain their own feelings of safety.





Why is she acting so indecisive towards you? She's not really. As mentioned before turn the volume down on what she says and look at her behavior. She wants you, but only wants you insofar as she can keep you at an arms length, never fully being able to connect on a deeper level and giving you the love you're looking for.


My advice? Run from this one. Be thankful it was only 2 months and endure the short term heartache and heal past this, OR continue on as you are and go through greater hurt over a prolonged period of time. Your choice.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2017 11:18 am 
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n2thevoid: I don't feel as if she's doing push/pull on me. She was extremely intimate at the the start, crazy clingy and attached but it quickly changed! Why? I think because i started to show some more emotion. Things like hugging her more often then i did before, being overly touchy, noticing her more etc. At the start i didn't really care as much - she was the one chasing. But as i became comfortable i started being less 'alpha'. I thought i could let my guard down a little but that wasn't a good idea! However, that's only part of the issue here, there's a lot more to this!

She hasn't told me specially of her independence. I get the sense that she's that type of person and others who know her agree.

You do make very good points on the 'withdrawers' - something to think about!

Update:

The day we were meant to meet came and passed with no contact. As mentioned i wasn't going to contact her as it would show i wanted to make it work. She did mention on the phone call last week that she would be very busy with having family over from overseas (which is true). I was busy the entire day as well but a text at least would have been nice.

I finished work very late that night and caught the bus to go home to change my clothes for a house party that was on. On the bus i bumped into her flatmate who was on his way to see his girlfriend which was weird! We spoke and he asked if i was going to contact her. I said maybe later tonight and that i was occupied with other things. He mentioned that she'd talked about me and she "really likes me"! He also mentioned the last time i saw her, after i left her house she spent hours talking to her friend (his girlfriend) about the relationship and trying to figure it all out. He is also good friends with her ex boyfriend from a few years ago and told me of the issues they had - said she was "different" to other girls.
I didn't ask about her and acted chill about it all.

This was yesterday - today still no contact. The urge to contact her is there but i know i won't. I feel she will contact me in the next day or two. If she suggested a day to meet i will make sure i'm unavailable and suggest another time that works for me. Hopefully it doesn't end like this with permanent no contact!


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2017 4:52 pm 
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JoeyO1 wrote:
n2thevoid: I don't feel as if she's doing push/pull on me. She was extremely intimate at the the start, crazy clingy and attached but it quickly changed! Why? I think because i started to show some more emotion. Things like hugging her more often then i did before, being overly touchy, noticing her more etc. At the start i didn't really care as much - she was the one chasing. But as i became comfortable i started being less 'alpha'. I thought i could let my guard down a little but that wasn't a good idea! However, that's only part of the issue here, there's a lot more to this!

Define "show some more emotion".

Generally people begin to drop their guard in a relationship, and connect on a deeper, more emotional level. I don't know what "overly touchy, noticing her more" etc means, because a lot of women really enjoy being touched and noticed more by men they are attracted to.

This "being less alpha" narrative you're creating - I am not sure how much of that is fiction, and how much is based in reality. I know what you are trying to say here 'I became needy', but that is based on her current behavior, and it isn't clear to me with the info you provided that this is actually the case. Remember being DEPENDENT in a relationship is a healthy thing - if that person is responsive to you. Being CODEPENDENT, conversely is not.


She hasn't told me specially of her independence. I get the sense that she's that type of person and others who know her agree.

You do make very good points on the 'withdrawers' - something to think about!

Update:

The day we were meant to meet came and passed with no contact. As mentioned i wasn't going to contact her as it would show i wanted to make it work. She did mention on the phone call last week that she would be very busy with having family over from overseas (which is true). I was busy the entire day as well but a text at least would have been nice.

Passive aggrresive behavior will never get you close to being int he ballpark of creating healthy relationships, with anyone. So instead of having texted her and been direct with your need(s), you instead kept quiet and played a game.

I finished work very late that night and caught the bus to go home to change my clothes for a house party that was on. On the bus i bumped into her flatmate who was on his way to see his girlfriend which was weird! We spoke and he asked if i was going to contact her. I said maybe later tonight and that i was occupied with other things. He mentioned that she'd talked about me and she "really likes me"! He also mentioned the last time i saw her, after i left her house she spent hours talking to her friend (his girlfriend) about the relationship and trying to figure it all out. He is also good friends with her ex boyfriend from a few years ago and told me of the issues they had - said she was "different" to other girls.
I didn't ask about her and acted chill about it all.

This was yesterday - today still no contact. The urge to contact her is there but i know i won't. I feel she will contact me in the next day or two. If she suggested a day to meet i will make sure i'm unavailable and suggest another time that works for me. Hopefully it doesn't end like this with permanent no contact!


What are you hoping for in all this?


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2017 8:56 pm 
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By show more emotion I mean the things I mentioned. But also as an example we'd talk more about our feelings (the serious talks). When we're out as a group my focus would be on her more than others and having fun. Early on I did none of this but as soon as I started I could feel attraction dropping.

I think I needed to be more easy going and less serious for a little longer. 1 month in is when I started caring as much about the relationship as her. I guess by then the chase was over. I should have slowed down on dropping my guard.

The point of no contact here is to show I'm able to walk away. I'm not needy or clingy - my entire life doesn't revolve around her.

I want to give it another try but do things differently, more on my terms. It could also be that I'm looking for closure on this. If it's not going to work out I want to end it in a good way because we'll see each other a lot as we have many mutual friends.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2017 9:13 pm 
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JoeyO1 wrote:
By show more emotion I mean the things I mentioned. But also as an example we'd talk more about our feelings (the serious talks). When we're out as a group my focus would be on her more than others and having fun. Early on I did none of this but as soon as I started I could feel attraction dropping.

I think I needed to be more easy going and less serious for a little longer. 1 month in is when I started caring as much about the relationship as her. I guess by then the chase was over. I should have slowed down on dropping my guard.

The point of no contact here is to show I'm able to walk away. I'm not needy or clingy - my entire life doesn't revolve around her.

I want to give it another try but do things differently, more on my terms. It could also be that I'm looking for closure on this. If it's not going to work out I want to end it in a good way because we'll see each other a lot as we have many mutual friends.
It's funny reading you guys that say that their girls stop losing interest two months in. I read some guys say that it's because they show they care too much and then other guys say it's because they don't show that they care enough. All of you guys are missing the big picture. There are phases of attraction. The beginning is usually the blind infatuation, and I've been saying this for years on this forum, which only lasts for about two months. It's the time where both the man and the woman overlook flaws, and sometimes serious ones, because of the amount of attraction that is there. It wears off. Once it does wear off, this is the time that both people start getting to know each other in a realistic way. Does this mean that a relationship can't work after that? Of course not, but if you've been holding a certain "frame" that's not realistic to what ALL of your needs are when dealing with women then you are going to have a hard time keeping the ones that you want.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2017 10:27 pm 
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Quote:
The point of no contact here is to show I'm able to walk away. I'm not needy or clingy - my entire life doesn't revolve around her.


When she told you she felt "restricted" you should have walked away.

When she told you she didnt want monagamy, you should have walked away.

When it came to the point that you should take a break, you should have walked away.

When at a certain point you 2 were supposed to talk, and that day has passed and still no contact, you should have walked away.

You cant walk away.

Quote:
I want to give it another try but do things differently, more on my terms.


You did things on your terms. This next "try" is you now wanting a chance to do things on HER terms to keep her. Its reactive. Its not your terms, its hers.

Thing is OP, you can go out with a hot chick now and post a flirty picture with her on your facebook for your "gf" to see. You can ignore her texts for a while, act busy and she'll prob come chasing back. You can post some fun snapchat stories and get her to chase you. But is this the relationship YOU want?

You are way too controlled by this chick. You know she has issues with monogamy. She's told you. Her friends have told you she has issues in relationships. But no, YOU want to change to suit her. YOU want to change to keep this going. One simple truth is, this girl isnt on a forum trying to salvage this relationship. She isnt racking her brain trying to figure out what the issue is. Everyone has told you the same basic truth: "Im not sure of monogamy" = other dicks. Its not rocket science

As Rc said
Quote:
She's not the type that's emotionally mature enough to date exclusively OP. The signs were there, you just misinterpreted them for something positive. They were not.


Heck, chick wasnt mature enough to keep her word and hit you up when she was supposed to. And instead of seeing the simple truth, you're going to continue to hope.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2017 11:47 pm 
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JackZero: I've been through that before and have ended previous relationships for similar reasons. But in this case we'd known each other 3, almost 4 years now. I know the type of person she was so didn't get many surprises. She also knew me well and we'd dated for a while before becoming exclusive.

Neo: The day after she didn't contact me (yesterday), I'd moved on. I've already started talking to other girls and getting back in the game. Just wanted closure on this.

It annoys me that she was closed off and unwilling to talk about other issues in her life. I'm sure it all had an impact. This is also somethig I wanted to get her to open up about.

Right now, as much as I'd like to make it work, the feelings have to be equal from both sides. I feel like this is now a challenge for me - a test of my skill to re-game her. I accept this very likely won't be a long term relationship (too many red flags) but the urge to try something different is strong (particularly with sex).


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 12:09 am 
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JoeyO1 wrote:
JackZero: I've been through that before and have ended previous relationships for similar reasons. But in this case we'd known each other 3, almost 4 years now. I know the type of person she was so didn't get many surprises. She also knew me well and we'd dated for a while before becoming exclusive.
I'm sure that everyone says that a situation is a little different but at the same time you have to recognize the fact that regardless of how much time you knew her, you never knew the "relationship" her and she didn't know the relationship version of you. You both have different relationship needs than when you had a friendship. At two months, the reality set in for both of you.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 5:34 am 
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Quote:
Neo: The day after she didn't contact me (yesterday), I'd moved on. I've already started talking to other girls and getting back in the game. Just wanted closure on this.


OP, Im big on being honest, mostly with yourself. If this was about closure, just call her up and get your answer. Thats what someone looking for closure does. They get their answer as soon as possible. This isnt about closure; its about playing the waiting game hoping she comes back.

Quote:
JackZero: I've been through that before and have ended previous relationships for similar reasons. But in this case we'd known each other 3, almost 4 years now. I know the type of person she was so didn't get many surprises.


If you 2 have known each other for years, it looks worse that her opinion of you would change after 2 months of dating. Please OP, I urge you to sit down and THINK. Like real thinking. You're being irrational and delusional about the situation. You're looking for reasons for hope.

As Jack said, you may think its different, everyone does. These threads follow the same pattern. Guy comes saying he has an issue, says he can walk away. Girl pushes him further away. Guy is told to walk. Guy continues saying he can, BUT he's gonna try a bit more. Things get worse. Guy is told again here to walk. Guy turns into "you guys dont understand, its different because of X." Then it gets worse. Guy says he's going to continue to try for the challenge...dont worry he can walk away anytime :roll: Girl ends it. Then a thread a few months later saying the girl now ex messaged him something, what should I do?

If you want closure, call her. If you cant call her, admit to yourself its not closure you're after.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:04 am 
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I do want closure - mostly because we have so many mutual friends who think we're still exclusive and I don't want it to look like I've cheated or anything. We all go to the same bars so I also want to avoid awkwardness. If we both agree to end it then that's cool.

That situation is standard and I've seen it before. It's pathetic. The reason I won't reach out is because it will make me look like I need the relationship, which I don't. I WANT it (because we get along so well etc) but have no motivation to chase anymore. My old self would be writing her paragraphs of text to logically explain why we should be together, saying I miss her and all that stuff. I've learnt from that and won't go down that road again. I'm cringing just thinking about it.

I'm not "waiting" for this - I've started seeing other girls. I just wanted to try something different after taking this break and looking at the relationship differently.

I do understand your points on things changing after the 2 months and looking at each other differently now that we know each other on a difffernt level. All is relevant and helping me to more easily walk away (which is what is happening).


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2017 9:40 am 
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JoeyO1 wrote:
I do want closure - mostly because we have so many mutual friends who think we're still exclusive and I don't want it to look like I've cheated or anything. We all go to the same bars so I also want to avoid awkwardness. If we both agree to end it then that's cool.

Simply tell the friends you guys are no longer together. "Closure", in the way you speak, is just another way for you to hold onto the attachment. This is a rouse. Who cares if she agrees or not to end it. If someone says the sky is pink, it doesn't change the fact that it's actually blue - you move on rather than insist they're wrong and get caught-up in the sideshow.


That situation is standard and I've seen it before. It's pathetic. The reason I won't reach out is because it will make me look like I need the relationship, which I don't. I WANT it (because we get along so well etc) but have no motivation to chase anymore. My old self would be writing her paragraphs of text to logically explain why we should be together, saying I miss her and all that stuff. I've learnt from that and won't go down that road again. I'm cringing just thinking about it.

You do want a relationship with her, that's why you're not letting go. You should never have to put this much effort into something - she doesn't want a relationship in the same way you do and your ego perpetuating this clinging behavior.

I'm not "waiting" for this - I've started seeing other girls. I just wanted to try something different after taking this break and looking at the relationship differently.

Doesn't matter, its her you still obsess and pine over.

I do understand your points on things changing after the 2 months and looking at each other differently now that we know each other on a difffernt level. All is relevant and helping me to more easily walk away (which is what is happening).


Yet funny enough you refuse to do this.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 22, 2017 9:31 am 
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Like I've said a few times here, I do want her back. I'm not denying that. Am I going to chase and beg? No. Am I going to be depressed and sad if I don't get her back? No because I know these feelings will fade.

I'm usually slow in building emotional attachment. We only been together a few months and I was just starting to get attached. I like her a lot and know she still likes me a lot (from what I've been told a few days ago). I can't instantly just ignore my feelings for her. I can control them which has come through experience but they're still there. I'm smart enough to not get completely attached because I knew from the start there would be challanges. But I thought she was worth it given all the other good stuff about her.

Anyways, still no contact a few days after our intended end of break date. I haven't held back with other girls, went out with a new girl last night. Pretty much just continuing no contact. She still has my bike at her place and some of my other stuff.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2017 8:24 am 
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JoeyO1 wrote:
Like I've said a few times here, I do want her back. I'm not denying that. Am I going to chase and beg? No. Am I going to be depressed and sad if I don't get her back? No because I know these feelings will fade.

I'm usually slow in building emotional attachment. We only been together a few months and I was just starting to get attached. I like her a lot and know she still likes me a lot (from what I've been told a few days ago). I can't instantly just ignore my feelings for her. I can control them which has come through experience but they're still there. I'm smart enough to not get completely attached because I knew from the start there would be challanges. But I thought she was worth it given all the other good stuff about her.

Anyways, still no contact a few days after our intended end of break date. I haven't held back with other girls, went out with a new girl last night. Pretty much just continuing no contact. She still has my bike at her place and some of my other stuff.


The passive/aggressive game is clearly not working out for you both. I think it is time for you to be a real man and lead the way! Arrange drinks, have fun and hook up - It is important that you bring fun into the bedroom and make an emotional connection. Leave early on the next day.

Then let her contact you - if you played it well, she will contact you, wanting more of what she got a taste of that night. If not, then I think it is time to go get some other girls.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2017 7:02 am 
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HBwarm-Cph wrote:
JoeyO1 wrote:
Like I've said a few times here, I do want her back. I'm not denying that. Am I going to chase and beg? No. Am I going to be depressed and sad if I don't get her back? No because I know these feelings will fade.

I'm usually slow in building emotional attachment. We only been together a few months and I was just starting to get attached. I like her a lot and know she still likes me a lot (from what I've been told a few days ago). I can't instantly just ignore my feelings for her. I can control them which has come through experience but they're still there. I'm smart enough to not get completely attached because I knew from the start there would be challanges. But I thought she was worth it given all the other good stuff about her.

Anyways, still no contact a few days after our intended end of break date. I haven't held back with other girls, went out with a new girl last night. Pretty much just continuing no contact. She still has my bike at her place and some of my other stuff.


The passive/aggressive game is clearly not working out for you both. I think it is time for you to be a real man and lead the way! Arrange drinks, have fun and hook up - It is important that you bring fun into the bedroom and make an emotional connection. Leave early on the next day.

Then let her contact you - if you played it well, she will contact you, wanting more of what she got a taste of that night. If not, then I think it is time to go get some other girls.


That's the plan. My goal is to move away from the seriousness and keep it fun.

Update:

She texted me last night (about a week after we were meant to end the break). The text was several lines long where she said "so you can talk about me and us to my flat mate but not text me for a week?". (Referring to me bumping into her flat mate last week). I responded hours later with a slightly shorter text saying that the ball was in her court to get back to me (as agreed) and I didn't want to go back and forth over texting.

Even though what she said her housemate said wasn't true, I didn't pick an argument about it or respond to it. Kept the text calm and short.

No response since and been a few hours. I've seen many mutual friends over the past 2 days and they know I've started seeing other girls.

I still want to try again with her but I'm a lot more cautious than before! Want to play this carefully.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2017 8:23 am 
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JoeyO1 wrote:
HBwarm-Cph wrote:
JoeyO1 wrote:
Like I've said a few times here, I do want her back. I'm not denying that. Am I going to chase and beg? No. Am I going to be depressed and sad if I don't get her back? No because I know these feelings will fade.

I'm usually slow in building emotional attachment. We only been together a few months and I was just starting to get attached. I like her a lot and know she still likes me a lot (from what I've been told a few days ago). I can't instantly just ignore my feelings for her. I can control them which has come through experience but they're still there. I'm smart enough to not get completely attached because I knew from the start there would be challanges. But I thought she was worth it given all the other good stuff about her.

Anyways, still no contact a few days after our intended end of break date. I haven't held back with other girls, went out with a new girl last night. Pretty much just continuing no contact. She still has my bike at her place and some of my other stuff.


The passive/aggressive game is clearly not working out for you both. I think it is time for you to be a real man and lead the way! Arrange drinks, have fun and hook up - It is important that you bring fun into the bedroom and make an emotional connection. Leave early on the next day.

Then let her contact you - if you played it well, she will contact you, wanting more of what she got a taste of that night. If not, then I think it is time to go get some other girls.


That's the plan. My goal is to move away from the seriousness and keep it fun.

Update:

She texted me last night (about a week after we were meant to end the break). The text was several lines long where she said "so you can talk about me and us to my flat mate but not text me for a week?". (Referring to me bumping into her flat mate last week). I responded hours later with a slightly shorter text saying that the ball was in her court to get back to me (as agreed) and I didn't want to go back and forth over texting.

Even though what she said her housemate said wasn't true, I didn't pick an argument about it or respond to it. Kept the text calm and short.

No response since and been a few hours. I've seen many mutual friends over the past 2 days and they know I've started seeing other girls.

I still want to try again with her but I'm a lot more cautious than before! Want to play this carefully.


She still knows you're wrapped around her finger, and you keep proving it to her.


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