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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2016 8:47 pm 
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You can't change people without their consent. 9 years of investment. She's growing in ways that you probably don't appreciate. That's fine. Good for her. The problem isn't your girlfriend and the answer isn't "there's better out there" because that isn't the underlying issue. You have all your needs met and you are pursuing self-actualization. You are goal driven and ambitious. You want to make an impact. You want to see your value be realized. And you want her to be there for you when you do. However, she is there to support you but you don't need support. You want someone you don't have to worry about. Someone you know will be okay on their own or with you. She doesn't sound like a ball and chain around your ankles but it's obvious she is a mental distraction. We go into that casket alone man. Spend a few more years with her dissatisfied and clearly distraught by her behavior and attitude and you might miss the train you are trying to catch. Go accomplish what you need to. Be the man you want to become. Then you can come back and revisit her or women in general. The answer for you is anything that helps you on your path. If she is a wind pushing you backwards then you need to do it for yourself or you'll always wonder "what if?" It might seem selfish but you'll take it out on her and blame her for your internal torment later. This is best for the both of you.

There might be a woman you can date and still feel you are performing at 100% but it's always opportunity cost. The time you spend on her could be used for your goals. Don't become a workaholic but it sounds like you have the drive and ambition to make yourself something. I'm the same way and I have a deep need to meet my standards. I know I can't give my time and energy to another relationship until I have met some of my bigger goals and can realistically see myself "settling down."


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2016 9:08 pm 
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There is a difference between being a strong man who knows and only accepts what he deserves... And a controlling man... Who will try to change someone for their own selfishness.

I don't get the vibe here of a strong man... I just see controlling.. Can someone tell me where this sounds like strength? Let the chick go. You should have just left. You shouldn't have tried to control her and when she said no you should have left.. Not weasel in some understanding or guilt to get her to. You're holding this relationship over this chicks head to get her to change. Just leave amicably and accept you 2 aren't compatible. Sleep with girls let her sleep with guys. Let her find someone who enjoys what she offers.

You would really want to have a chick change herself for an ultimatum? And that's what it was. You would really be so sick to want this girl to pretend and play a part to make you happy? Leave her and find someone better for you.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2016 9:21 pm 
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Damn OP, that was the most assholiest of things that I've read in a while. I said that you shouldn't be putting the responsibility on her and you did just that by putting her on the spot and giving her an ultimatum. You at least had time to think about what you wanted to do. You got opinions from the forum on what you should do. Then you went to your girlfriend and pointed a gun at her head and told her to choose. I'm glad she made the right initial decision because what you did was foul.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2016 9:22 pm 
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You are completely right.

I think the change is for the better but I may be completely blind right now, I'm not a savior, if she isn't different is because she doesn't want to, she had lots of opportunities to change.

It would be extremely selfish if I go back with her now, she would be extremely unhappy trying to make me happy, and I want a gf, not a slave.

EDIT: I messed up badly making her to chose when it was obvious her decisión but I didnt see that earlier, I fucked up badly there, should hace told her it was over.

EDIT 2: Completely feel like shit for the ultimátum thing, I watched it like an opportunity to create a path together, a chance for me and her to talk about expectations and see how we can reach it together, but thinking it more calmed it turned into a pointed gun ir her head asking her to change, which is repulsive for my part. I sincerely tryed it with the best of my intentions...


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2016 10:25 am 
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People don't change OP. Ultimatums and shit don't work. There's no such thing as eye openers.
People either make the cut or they don't.

You did the right thing breaking up. And I understand the shitstorm of emotion you're probably going through, but don't go down that path or trying to fix/turn her into whatever you want her to be.

I told you in my initial post. Find someone who is at your level. Stop trying to elevate her to it. You've been doing it for 9 years.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2016 11:16 pm 
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Quote:
I've talked to her and I think I've done right doing so, but who knows, it didn't seemed fair just to let her know that it was over without exploring other possibilities.
And we have finished the relationship.

I've told her that we could forge a way together, but she should change things and that she should demand things too, as in every healthy relationships we both can be different and respect each other but we should be doing all we can for the other, it was my red line.
I told her if she was willing to do that and she has said "no", I've asked, "100% sure?" and she said "yes".

She has sent me lots of message later telling me that it was a mistake, that she truly loves me, she even said that she said no because she doesn't want to disappoint me again (which made me feel like shit btw).

I've told her that there must be a reason for her to say no, that she must accept the consequences of her decision. Seeing that she was very annoying telling me how bad she was and that it was a mistake I've told her to get her shit in order, that she must clear her mind about what she really wants. I've told her since the very beginning what I wanted and expected from her, I think I deserve more there.

I really think that she is very well convinced of her bad decision, she thinks she made a mistake and I think she still loves me, but I think that she really doesn't know what she wants.
I know what I want, and I'm sure she can be a better person but only if she is sure about it.
She said that she said no because she thinks she wouldn't be up to the expectations and I'm sure that this reason contributed to her decision. But I think that she is just confused and afraid of being alone.

She really wants me back, and I've told her that we'll speak tomorrow.
I really don't know what to do.
You are the one who is quitting from relationship. Cut the crap and stop blaming your ex girlfriend because of your unmet needs. She tried her best i think and you are te one who is sick and tired. Be honest with her at least take the responsibility and be bold. Say it is over. Be supportive about her. You guys have destiny. IMO you had to do it years ago. You guys even do not know what kinda feeling to have multiple relationship with other ppl who has different characteristica from each other. You have learn this bro. New life awaits you but first be a man and take the responsibility. Good luck.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 5:12 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 24, 2015 4:08 pm
Posts: 125
Quote:
Quote:
When the assertive chick leaves when you have your personality issues, or leaves when you're overreactive, or leaves when she has to help you financially, I think you'll look for this chick.
Just because she has a low drive and isn't doing great financially and doesn't work out and isn't on his success level doesn't mean she's a loser. Not everybody's destined to become lawyers, doctors and engineers.

Then find somebody on a level similar to yours. So you don't end up down the road with, "But I'm fitter than you, more motivated than you, I offer more, I do more, better than you," etc. It just ends up in bitter angry resentment and that's not love.

Secondly, taking into account what neo87 wrote, sometimes different personalities complement each other. You can't have two dominant people butting head all the time competing for who's number 1. Sometimes it works, but often times, it doesn't.

Lastly, I think you should break up with her.

But just remember this, that sometimes those successful go-getter women aren't necessarily better. Sure, they may have a bigger drive, bigger goals, more motivation. But at a cost. They may not dedicate as much time to the relationship and to you, they may not be as patient and loving, they may not care as much, you might come home to an empty plate instead of full cooked meals, they may place their careers above you and the relationship, etc.
Well, gotta give you credit, you get a lot of bashing by people in other threads for your posts and from me too.. Glad to see a decent reply and not too much fighting afterwards.
Dragula still has some beef for you. :lol:

OP took it to the extreme, I was surprised that he literally stood up from the computer after reading the posts reassuring him that the best thing is to break up and immediately out of the blue bring this up with an ultimatum for her. You can't tell someone suddenly if they want to be with you they have to change and put all the pressure to her to make a decision on the spot. That's cruel man.

A breakup is a breakup and it is not easy, however you should have sat down, thought about it and after coming to a decision, talk it with her and let her know how you feel and that you would break up regardless of if she promises to change or not. Because let's say you both agree to try again, she might put some effort in the beginning into becoming what you would like her to be BUT.. let's be realistic; you were 9 years together, can she really change. Doubt it.

You are making the right decision, she might have been supporting you and she was good with you however you have grown to be two completely different people and it is best for you to continue in different paths, so that you do not resent her for holding you back. You are 25 and a have a long road ahead.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 6:56 pm 
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We met yesterday and talked a lot, I was feeling like shit for the ultimatum thing so I tryed fix my mistake.
I told her that it was stupid and it was because I was very confused on how could I explain the problem to her, we realized that breaking up was the best for the both of us; no angry feelings, we broke amicably, I sicerely hope that she finds someone for her.
It didn't feel ok to tell her it was over and leave her not wanting to break up, so the only thing I could do was talk until she understood that this was for us, even though it was my decision.
You guys helped me a lot, thank you very much.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 7:06 pm 
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Never give a woman an ultimatum, PERIOD.


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