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 Post subject: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2016 4:45 pm 
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Hey all,

I've been seeing/dating this girl for 2 months now and over the last 2 weeks things seemed to have changed, I think I understand why but am looking for advice.

When we first started hanging out my life was busy, I was doing a lot of things for my self and I felt she was chasing me. She lives an hour away from me, we would only see each other on the weekends. She would often say how much she missed me, can't wait to see me etc. She would plan things long term, wants me to take her snowboarding this winter, said we should plan a road trip somewhere later this summer. We went a week and a half without seeing each other and since then have hung out every weekend since.

The part where I screwed up, I put her on the pedestal, I stopped doing things for me and started hanging out with her more. She hasn't said how much she misses me or can't wait to see me. I think she's losing interest because I've made myself to available, and showed some neediness. (Example sent her a text this morning: Hope work is going great)

The part I get confused on, we still talk everyday, she has initiated text everyday this week except she will randomly stop texting in the evening then won't send anything until the next day. Something she never used to do. She even came up to visit me midweek on her day off and slept over, didn't f-close but she gave me a Bj.

Am I making a big deal about nothing? Is it just a fling for her and she's ready to checkout? She's coming to a wedding with me this afternoon and we've got plans to spend next weekend together for the holiday. I realize I need to start doing things again for myself but I have trouble doing so when she initiates every day?

Any comments are welcome.


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2016 5:44 pm 
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I think many guys look for the point where things change, but miss that the entire set up itself would eventually cause the interest to taper down.
Quote:
She lives an hour away from me, we would only see each other on the weekends.
Thats the setup, and is basically the beginnings of a relationship that feels routine for most women. In the beginning she will miss you, after a while, she would get bored with the added complication, and only being able to see you on weekends.


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2016 6:53 pm 
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Quote:
I think many guys look for the point where things change, but miss that the entire set up itself would eventually cause the interest to taper down.
Quote:
She lives an hour away from me, we would only see each other on the weekends.
Thats the setup, and is basically the beginnings of a relationship that feels routine for most women. In the beginning she will miss you, after a while, she would get bored with the added complication, and only being able to see you on weekends.
To take what he has to say at face value:
"The part where I screwed up, I put her on the pedestal, I stopped doing things for me and started hanging out with her more. She hasn't said how much she misses me or can't wait to see me. I think she's losing interest because I've made myself to available, and showed some neediness. (Example sent her a text this morning: Hope work is going great)"

It sounds more like him over-investing himself with her and the relationship. If he's seeing her more often the logistics of distance becomes less of an issue.

OP, I don't know what "showing neediness" means in this instance. Sending her well wishes isn't a 'bad' thing per se. Neediness emanates from an energy you're sending out. Frequent contact with someone doesn't necessarily indicate neediness, rather the neediness comes out of placating, over-extending yourself, sacrificing things important to you, searching for reasons to contact (discomfort with space), etc..


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 2:23 am 
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The distance thing has cone up before, awhile after we first started hanging out I made the huge mistake of asking her if she could see herself being in a relationship with me, she did say yes but then asked if I thought the there would be any problem with the distance. I told her no I didn't think it would be a problem, she agreed as well. I should add to that I have been searching for a home to buy up here, so maybe she's now questioning the distance thing again? And thinking about things long term.

I think I wanted to show her that the distance wouldn't be a problem and made myself more available and invested more of my time with her?

N2thevoid: my reason for thinking I was being needy, I hung out with her Friday night and stayed over at her house. She had to get up early the next morning for work and I didn't get to see her before she left. i sent her the text basically as a reason to connect? Even though we had plans to hang it later in the day.

We ended up hanging out that night, I invited her along to a friends wedding. Things went ok, except her ex bf of 3 years (broke up 7 months ago) flagged her down, they went outside and talked together I ended up running into the two of them with my group of friends I was with. A little while later he tried again to get her to go outside, not sure if she went though? I tried to not let it bother me but I noticed earlier in the week when we were hanging out that he was texting her. Anyway, we ended the night dancing and having a good time. Went back to her place, couldn't f-close cause I didn't have a condom :twisted: ended up settling for a bj.

Am I being insecure for worrying about her ex? I haven't mentioned or questioned her about it. Do I bring it up or just continue on knowing we have a long weekend planned together coming up.


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 3:20 am 
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Quote:
The distance thing has cone up before, awhile after we first started hanging out I made the huge mistake of asking her if she could see herself being in a relationship with me, she did say yes but then asked if I thought the there would be any problem with the distance. I told her no I didn't think it would be a problem, she agreed as well. I should add to that I have been searching for a home to buy up here, so maybe she's now questioning the distance thing again? And thinking about things long term.

So you're looking to settle where you are, have you talked about her moving there or is it assumed? Just curious if you guys are on the same page.

I think I wanted to show her that the distance wouldn't be a problem and made myself more available and invested more of my time with her?

Fair enough.

N2thevoid: my reason for thinking I was being needy, I hung out with her Friday night and stayed over at her house. She had to get up early the next morning for work and I didn't get to see her before she left. i sent her the text basically as a reason to connect? Even though we had plans to hang it later in the day.

Ok, that's not being needy. You had a need for connection that wasn't met in the moment. We all to that from time-to-time.

We ended up hanging out that night, I invited her along to a friends wedding. Things went ok, except her ex bf of 3 years (broke up 7 months ago) flagged her down, they went outside and talked together I ended up running into the two of them with my group of friends I was with. A little while later he tried again to get her to go outside, not sure if she went though? I tried to not let it bother me but I noticed earlier in the week when we were hanging out that he was texting her. Anyway, we ended the night dancing and having a good time. Went back to her place, couldn't f-close cause I didn't have a condom :twisted: ended up settling for a bj.

Am I being insecure for worrying about her ex? I haven't mentioned or questioned her about it. Do I bring it up or just continue on knowing we have a long weekend planned together coming up.

Whether your concern is justified or not is not for us to answer. For transparency sake you can broach the subject with her. It's even fine to tell her you'd felt a bit uneasy with him isolating her, it's perfectly understandable. However, DO NOT impart any blame or accusations onto her. In other words leave her out of the equation. THAT SAID she may hear what you're sub communicating "I don't trust you" AND if she's never given you any reason before to not trust her, then perhaps she deserves the benefit of the doubt. If you feel you can't do the earlier without doing the later, then I suggest you journal for now and give yourself the empathy you need before talking to her, and you may just decide you're ok with things and not even bring it up.

Stuff like this can be tricky. If you're dealing with a very insecure women no matter what you say she'll hear it as an accusation and get defensive. My female friend, ex, and I were once walking through the beach. My friend leans into me and starts telling me how torn she is between her ex and this new guy she's seeing. My ex blew-up at me after my friend had parted ways with us telling me how inappropriate it was for me to not include her in the conversation (she had actually ran off ahead of us with my dog). Anyway, no matter how truthful I was, she'd convinced herself something was up - some people will believe whatever they want/hear things however they want in spite of the truth. So, if she's never given you reason to distrust her I'd leave it be personally, and assuage your own feelings of insecurity. If she has given you reason to distrust her then you have every right to put it out there, and if she blows up oh well, she's saved you the time and grief of having to continue on with someone sketchy.





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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 5:17 pm 
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N2:

Shes from my home town and I have a lot of friends that live there as well and I do a lot of things with them on the weekend. Then she came along and several times now I've questioned myself if I really want to settle down here. I've never talked with her about it as I didn't want to start talking long term, looking back now though if she's wanting to plan things together this winter then talking long term could be appropriate?

She's never giving me a reason not to trust her, I can give her the benefit of the doubt. After all It was her decision to break up with him and he may not be over it.

What's strange is when we hangout things don't feel like they have changed? It's just when we are apart and texting that things feel different. She texted me last night, asking how my day was? I responded yatta yatta then in return asked about hers? Didn't get a reply back, which is something she's never done before. She just sent me a good morning text earlier, apologized for not texting back and hoped I was having a good day. Haven't replied yet as this is where I tend to struggle with these situations. My thought is to continue on with conversation as nothing happened and not acknowledge her apology.


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 6:43 pm 
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Quote:
N2:

Shes from my home town and I have a lot of friends that live there as well and I do a lot of things with them on the weekend. Then she came along and several times now I've questioned myself if I really want to settle down here. I've never talked with her about it as I didn't want to start talking long term, looking back now though if she's wanting to plan things together this winter then talking long term could be appropriate?

She's never giving me a reason not to trust her, I can give her the benefit of the doubt. After all It was her decision to break up with him and he may not be over it.

What's strange is when we hangout things don't feel like they have changed? It's just when we are apart and texting that things feel different. She texted me last night, asking how my day was? I responded yatta yatta then in return asked about hers? Didn't get a reply back, which is something she's never done before. She just sent me a good morning text earlier, apologized for not texting back and hoped I was having a good day. Haven't replied yet as this is where I tend to struggle with these situations. My thought is to continue on with conversation as nothing happened and not acknowledge her apology.
"I really like hearing from you at the end of the day via text, that feeling of connection feels good for me"

So let her know how you feel and how she can help you meet your need for connection.


Sure text her as you normally would, women are creatures of the moment. If you're deciding to let this go as a none-issue then you have to really put your money where your mouth is and do just that.


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 8:31 pm 
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Quote:
"I really like hearing from you at the end of the day via text, that feeling of connection feels good for me"
This could be how she felt? just maybe wasn't in the mood for a full convo?

So let her know how you feel and how she can help you meet your need for connection.

this is where I have trouble, I find it hard to express myself and tell her how I feel.

Sure text her as you normally would, women are creatures of the moment. If you're deciding to let this go as a none-issue then you have to really put your money where your mouth is and do just that.


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 2:37 am 
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Her pulling back, texting an ex and only giving you BJ's is a combination that sends up red flags, IMHO.

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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 11:48 am 
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Quote:
Her pulling back, texting an ex and only giving you BJ's is a combination that sends up red flags, IMHO.
It's been a week and a half since we last had sex, I didnt wrap it up that time and the next morning she made the comment I should start wearing condoms as she's not on birth control. Had I had one last Saturday I know I could have closed.

Thinking more about this, if she has not interest in her ex and was at the dance with me as my date, why would she give him the time of day when he isolates her?

Texted her a bit yesterday, kept things brief as she was working/exhausted after work. Put a situation in her head with me in it that will likely happen this weekend. She said it sounded perfect and was excited for this weekend.


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:14 pm 
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She's not your gf, from what I am reading, so not sure why you're so consumed by all of this. Go find some other women.


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:28 pm 
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Off topic but are you from the 'D' or just a Blain Hardy fan?

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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 6:20 pm 
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Quote:
She's not your gf, from what I am reading, so not sure why you're so consumed by all of this. Go find some other women.
Shes not, I guess it felt like we had that gf/bf vibe and she told her friends we were dating. I've never brought up our status though as I didn't want to seem pushy being she originally said she wanted to take things slow. I didn't want to disrespect her by going out and finding other women as she seems to reach out to me a lot?

It feels good to come here and talk about it too? It gets my mind off the situation and allows me to think more clearly.


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 6:24 pm 
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Quote:
Off topic but are you from the 'D' or just a Blain Hardy fan?
Was born in the big D and lived there during my childhood years and grew up a Tigers fan have since moved, still in the Midwest and still a tigers fan. Not sure about the lions though haha. 65 is actually an old high school number of mine but I am a Blain Hardy fan too.


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 Post subject: Re: Can't figure her out
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 6:39 pm 
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Quote:
Quote:
She's not your gf, from what I am reading, so not sure why you're so consumed by all of this. Go find some other women.
Shes not, I guess it felt like we had that gf/bf vibe and she told her friends we were dating. I've never brought up our status though as I didn't want to seem pushy being she originally said she wanted to take things slow. I didn't want to disrespect her by going out and finding other women as she seems to reach out to me a lot?

It feels good to come here and talk about it too? It gets my mind off the situation and allows me to think more clearly.

If you've been dating a while, you've every right to have that conversation with her. Not about ASKING if she'll be your girlfriend, rather what her intentions are.

If she says to continue dating you then maybe that's time to re-evaluate if you want to continue with something ambigous. If you guys aren't on the same page as per the direction of this 'relationship' then its like trying to jam a square peg into a round hole, it won't work and there'll always be some sort of inertia.


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