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PostPosted: Sun Jun 05, 2016 5:52 pm 
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Get to know her without much expectation. Just practice engaging with women again (and entertaining the possibility of someone new) is a healthy thing, just be sure to keep talk of your ex out of the equation. You're creating a new narrative w/o her in it.

As per therapy, who's to say how many sessions you may benefit from. There's obviously some blockage and it may be helpful to delve into that with him/her. Though you may feel you're getting better things will ebb and flow, but if need be you can always continue up with therapy, or even try a new therapist.
How do I get off these pills safely.
talk to your doc i'm not a psychiatrist


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 05, 2016 11:14 pm 
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Therapy June 6th 2016 – Session Number Eight

Between this therapy session and my last one quite a sequence of events have happened. I felt myself slowly getting better, I didn’t know if this was a result of the anti-depressants that were kicking in but it was as if I was forced to be hyper, forced to be productive and I wasn’t as sad as I remember. Then it happened, the big dip, whilst driving to a friend’s house I spotted her under a tree on a bench on the side of the road, me being completely surprised I did a lap around the park for some reason to ensure it was her and seeing her for the first time in two months made me crazy. Realizing it was her, I drove away and parked my car down a random road and cried feeling a mix between wanting to get out and say hey to her and on the contrary just speeding off in the other direction. The following day I felt even worse, it was as if the sleeping pills were having a side-effect on me and I was constantly tired in the day. I felt as if my head was clouded and I always felt dizzy and lightheaded. I could not find any motivation to eat or even do anything, and all I wanted to do was sleep. With yesterday being one of the worst days resulting in me being crawled up in a ball in my bed watcheing Zootopia and getting in a fight with all my family members for how depressing I have been, I finished the day by jacking off (which actually resulted in my headache going away after two days – maybe built up sperm, I don’t know) after ten days of no-fap (so now back to day one). Before finally closing my eyes, I realized I had reached a limit of anger/sadness/worry about the possibility of seeing her on social media as she was contacting everyone or anyone nearby. This resulted in me deleting the Facebook app and Facebook messenger off my phone followed with me deleting Instagram (which I have just re-downloaded, to not use or check home feed but continue uploading photography to my profile). So today, I woke up late going to the therapy session feeling quite down but ended up leaving in higher spirits. I was expecting my therapist and I to continue where we left off but we didn’t and we ended up having another discussion about her and me getting back to basics. He explained, ‘the one thing I feared was you seeing her, you think the clouds and dizziness in your head is caused by the anti-depressants? It’s the girl, the thoughts are back in your head with the questions and your mind is running all over again’. I presumed he was right, since seeing her all these things went wrong in my mind, it’s as if I have to completely cut ANYTHING off to do with her even if that means someone I barely know who she might like a picture on or interact with on social media. We continued our talk, where I explained to him everything and how I felt, how I confided in someone who was recently becoming my friend and a former friend of hers, but became friends with me five months ago and I would tell her things about my relationship with my ex and how now I see them uploading pictures together and commenting on each other’s pictures realizing everything I said to her was shared with my ex. I felt betrayal, regret, anger and anxiety but now it’s just another lesson learnt, I guess that’s the only way I can see it. What hurt most is that it was another person who yet confirmed in her mind I was a crazy stalker psycho who asked for advice and constant reassurance. My therapist explained, “do not message the friend, and you cannot talk to the ex even if you see her, I know you may want to, or you imagine even running into her, but how do you think that conversation will go, she will say I want nothing to do with, I have nothing to say, it will only make things worse overall”. I realized that dose of reality was the truth and I always needed to tell myself that. He further explained, “you idolize her, so you see her as a queen right now, that is not love, you will not get back together and it wouldn’t even be healthy to, remember the last thing she said to you in a message”. After discussing more and me saying it’s embarrassing we are back here I told him deep down I don’t even want her back, it’s the fact that someone is ignoring me and I am on their list of “never talk to this person again” when I just want to be seen as normal to her with fond memories. He advised me to keep doing things like exercising, to avoid areas where she might be, to eat right, and get back to the basic needs. Literally, I realize now this is all like building blocks, one block after the other, I lay them down, waiting for them to cement, then the next one is laid down, then the next. The worst part is, I know I am not ready to even connect emotionally yet with another girl, or even really talk to one on a deep level with the hope of a connection. I had/have such a co-dependency issue and deep trust issues I relate too many things to her and even seeing an attractive girl I compare it to my ex. So tonight, I pick up the pieces and go back to the drawing board. I write down “day one” in my no-fap journal, I cold shower in the mornings and night, I went out and took more pictures, I edited them, I reached out to more people in the photography forum for advice and techniques, I ordered a book called ‘The Rational Man’, I tanned and put tanning cream on to help with the bronzing, and watched two episodes of south park and laughed with my brother and now write this before bed. I don’t know exactly what direction I am going in, but I know I am going in ups and downs and there are more to come and hopefully I am making some sort of progress. The worst part is they are all unpredictable, I feel as if I am on egg shells knowing she is just five minutes down the road, and my family are kind of on egg shels around me due to my emotions and unpredictable mood swings. I mentioned the pills to the therapist and he said I am surely on the right ones and to continue them, I guess I will trust him. My fear is I become dependent on them, but I will discuss that with him next time. I have limited to me logging on to Facebook as minimal as possible as the only means of access are through my computer at home, the worst part is sometimes when I log in I get scared to see a little red message notification of her messaging again, it’s as if I fear that she would contact me.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2016 9:29 pm 
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Therapy June 9th 2016 – Session Number Nine

Today’s session was one that was not like the others. We did not discuss the ex-girlfriend much, except when it was brought up in comparison to my father that people like this move on very quickly from scenarios and people – like robots in operation. Today we discussed my progress, which he seems to think that I am moving in the right direction and putting up a good fight. Why is it a ‘fight’ as of lately? Well things out of my control keep happening that cause setbacks. Through the Lorazepam tablets my dreams are causing me to have vivid visions including her that sometimes seem like reality as in a detail movie is playing. Of course I can tell the difference between what I dream and reality itself, however, when I wake up I can replay exactly what I had dreamt the night before. I wonder if these dreams have meaning or any sort of relevance to my life or the situation as they aren’t occurring every night, but at certain times. Yesterday’s dream was me seeing and talking to her friends in person at a sports event, exactly what I did over text, and with her new girl best friend saying that she did not have another guy when we were together however she has another guy now that she is talking to. In this dream, I even ended up seeing her and making eye contact as I left the sports event as I avoided her. Funny, because this is what I do now during my days here sometimes – avoid places I may run into her. Hopefully one day I can look back at this and laugh, however, now I feel myself occasionally worrying and being quite upset about this all as I get scared I may have another dream that means something or that I will physically run into her during the day. Each day I tip toe as if on egg shells, looking at each car that passes by to see if she is in it or not, or I look at each person running or biking on the side of the road to see if it is her as that is what we use to do together. Amongst all this, I try not to focus too much on her through social media and anything else as typing her name in any search bar use to be a non-stop habit which I am now suppressing.
My days consist of me journaling, reading & researching photography, doing homework, playing football and going on walks. Discussing this with my therapist, I realize I was doing most of the talking and he would listen, provide occasional feedback with insight, then move on to the next topic. The question arises to me; do I even need therapy. It does seem like I am on the right track, however I would be a fool to quit something that helped me get out of a big hole I was once in. My family seems to be a big topic as of lately, as we discuss the “roles” that each family member plays. I will not get into too much detail about this but it does let me see things clearly from an outside view. I still have yet to talk and approach another girl really, as I believe it to be too early on and still have to figure out my own issues.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2016 11:15 am 
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Therapy June 14th 2016 – Session Number Ten

I write this journal entry the day after my therapy session. Maybe my motivation is slowly dying down but my therapist and I had a very mediocre talk yesterday. I expressed to him my concerns that I have been thinking about her more often especially before bed, wondering what she is up to and having an urge to contact her and that also maybe I should come off the sleeping pills. He replied to me saying that the sleeping pills I take are fine for another month as they are a very small dosage and that I should not contact her at all. He told me to imagine a fire that is slowly burning out, and if I contact her it would be as if I am blowing on the fire again trying to start it up. Another friend said it would be like opening up a can of worms. I told him that sometimes at night I talk to myself re-affirming my beliefs that she was so awful for me and I was not happy with her and I am just bored which is why these thoughts are arising. He says he can see I am putting up a fight and my spirits are dying down. With the Euro Cup on I have a little distraction but it does not help me at all as even when I am watching the games I get down. I watch the football and think of how bored I am even doing that and my mind wonders. My motivation to do work has also died off. He explained to me that I have to continue moving forward and resist every urge to contact her. I don’t know why all of a sudden I feel down or why I have hit a wall but he says that it is up days and down days. I explained to him I think it is the thought of her with another guy that makes me feel sick or gets to me, but even then he explains I cannot think of that and entertain those thoughts. If I talk to her, he says just tell myself she will not reply and I will feel worse. I will never get what I want out of this relationship he says, and that the only want to move forward is to be successful. I still wonder if I will bump into her again, of if she will contact me. Its thoughts like this which make my progress slow down and I do not even know why I have them.


I am back on tinder, still no fapping and cold showering. Feeling a bit helpless and defeated. Still.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 10:25 pm 
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Therapy June 16th 2016 – Session Number Eleven

The past two days were awful, and when I say awful I mean it in the sense that I was so anxious I felt like I could have spontaneously combusted. My whole prerogative has been to move forward and make forward steps and I found myself making backward steps the past two days. It started with checking her Facebook even though I cannot see anything, I would just see her name and see if she added any friends. Furthermore, I would check her Instagram account and I saw she posted a new picture and deleted pictures which caught my eye and led me to being curious. I found myself in a cycle where I had no idea what to think and it led to a number of thoughts such as; should I message her? Should I message a mutual friend to see if they said anything about me? I didn’t do any of those things except schedule a therapy session and go on a long run and vent to a close friend. Even then when I was running I would look left and right to see if the person passing by in the car was her. Waking up each morning is like a dream within a dream, I do not know if it is the sleeping pills that I am prescribed but my dreams are so vivid that I can replay them the next day as I have previously mentioned. The last dream was me emptying my money and cards out of the wallet she bought me and putting them all in a new wallet and blocking and deleting her off Facebook. It’s as if the moment I close my eyes in the morning or at night, I will instantaneously fall back asleep again, half awake, half dreaming but realizing what is going on. Everything right now seems surreal. To be honest, deep down it is as if I don’t want this, to move on, that I was forced into making this choice and I have no choice but to just follow the path that I was given. It’s as if I am just waiting for her to message me and come back and realize she made a mistake or for her boredom of being back here in the same place as I am with not much around to do will kick in and trigger something– however, I realize I am waiting for nothing. She has made it adamantly clear she wants nothing to do with me, so what I need to do is make a choice in the same manner mentally within. My therapist told me today if I want to message her, I should, and the worst thing will be her not replying and that is what he is worried about. Therefore, he wanted to schedule me in this Sunday to talk about it. However, after talking with a good friend, I realized I have to make a choice, stick by it, and I should not always act on my instincts and trust my alter-ego. I wish my therapist said this to me as well but I realize he saw me not being able to cope with the indecisiveness of doing nothing and fighting this battle. Therefore, I think he realized that saying, ‘no, don’t contact her’ was just repetitive in his eyes and making me feel like I was paying him to say the same thing over and over again which does not get me any better or help cope with my urges. I needed to come to this decision on my own. I need to become proactive, I need to make an actual choice that I cannot and will not check her social media and probably should block her after I write this (even if she is notified of that on Instagram). I have to put myself before and beyond anyone else now for the rest of my life and I guess this starts today. Little things are holding me back, the littlest of things and I feel down because of them and it is stopping my progress. I will tell the therapist to not book an appointment Sunday, and to do it Tuesday, and deep inside I will make the choice to not message her. Even though I have now got new prescriptions, will continue taking the pills, I hope for a different week and will see how I feel after. One thing I will do however, is write the message down to get it out of my system and will not send it.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2016 6:26 am 
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This is just my opinion below. Listen to your therapist.

I'd actually hope that you reach out to her. I'd hope you hit her up and send her messages. I'd hope you go to her house when she ignores your messages. I'd hope when she leaves her house you run up to her, waiting around the corner. I'd hope you reach out to her friends to ask about her. I'd hope you tell them about the abuse. I'd hope you cried in front of them, her, everyone. I'd hope you spend days looking through her facebook.

I say all this because i think if you run yourself down more, if you embarass yourself more, if you push it to the point this girl calls the cops on you, she hates you for talking to her friends, her family has to talk to you, if you get to that point of desperation and still dont get her back, maybe that will be what it takes for it to click for you.
Maybe doing what you really want to do to the fullest, is the way to just get it out of your system.

Thats just my dumb thoughts. Listen to your therapist


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2016 6:32 am 
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This is just my opinion below. Listen to your therapist.

I'd actually hope that you reach out to her. I'd hope you hit her up and send her messages. I'd hope you go to her house when she ignores your messages. I'd hope when she leaves her house you run up to her, waiting around the corner. I'd hope you reach out to her friends to ask about her. I'd hope you tell them about the abuse. I'd hope you cried in front of them, her, everyone. I'd hope you spend days looking through her facebook.

I say all this because i think if you run yourself down more, if you embarass yourself more, if you push it to the point this girl calls the cops on you, she hates you for talking to her friends, her family has to talk to you, if you get to that point of desperation and still dont get her back, maybe that will be what it takes for it to click for you.
Maybe doing what you really want to do to the fullest, is the way to just get it out of your system.

Thats just my dumb thoughts. Listen to your therapist
I'm not convinced if she gets a restraining order that he still wouldn't stop, and get a criminal record because of it thereby reducing his chances of getting a job and also reducing his options to a lot of other things.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 18, 2016 3:06 pm 
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You are a hopeless case. Get involved with something that is bigger than your self and immerse into it. Make it your passion.
Photography? Make a goal to have your picture published on a well known magazine.
Stop being by yourself for so long, socialize with people. If you don't connect with the friends in your surroundings then join some new activities and meet new people.

And most importantly accept that she is GONE and that chapter of your life IS OVER. Accept that soon she will be having an affair with someone. Accept she will be sleeping with guys, she will be affectionate with other guys. That she is living her life and not giving a shit about you. Read the first posts that you wrote on this thread and the realizations you had. You are not ready to contact her yet. Better not to contact her forever.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 19, 2016 12:52 am 
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I still have yet to talk and approach another girl
PM me when you have and I will unlock this thread for you.

This is a FR Journal. The main focus of the content should be action-oriented instead of repetitive mental masturbation. There is no place in this community for your brand of emasculatory whining and extremely obsessive oneitis.


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