Therapy June 6th 2016 – Session Number Eight
Between this therapy session and my last one quite a sequence of events have happened. I felt myself slowly getting better, I didn’t know if this was a result of the anti-depressants that were kicking in but it was as if I was forced to be hyper, forced to be productive and I wasn’t as sad as I remember. Then it happened, the big dip, whilst driving to a friend’s house I spotted her under a tree on a bench on the side of the road, me being completely surprised I did a lap around the park for some reason to ensure it was her and seeing her for the first time in two months made me crazy. Realizing it was her, I drove away and parked my car down a random road and cried feeling a mix between wanting to get out and say hey to her and on the contrary just speeding off in the other direction. The following day I felt even worse, it was as if the sleeping pills were having a side-effect on me and I was constantly tired in the day. I felt as if my head was clouded and I always felt dizzy and lightheaded. I could not find any motivation to eat or even do anything, and all I wanted to do was sleep. With yesterday being one of the worst days resulting in me being crawled up in a ball in my bed watcheing Zootopia and getting in a fight with all my family members for how depressing I have been, I finished the day by jacking off (which actually resulted in my headache going away after two days – maybe built up sperm, I don’t know) after ten days of no-fap (so now back to day one). Before finally closing my eyes, I realized I had reached a limit of anger/sadness/worry about the possibility of seeing her on social media as she was contacting everyone or anyone nearby. This resulted in me deleting the Facebook app and Facebook messenger off my phone followed with me deleting Instagram (which I have just re-downloaded, to not use or check home feed but continue uploading photography to my profile). So today, I woke up late going to the therapy session feeling quite down but ended up leaving in higher spirits. I was expecting my therapist and I to continue where we left off but we didn’t and we ended up having another discussion about her and me getting back to basics. He explained, ‘the one thing I feared was you seeing her, you think the clouds and dizziness in your head is caused by the anti-depressants? It’s the girl, the thoughts are back in your head with the questions and your mind is running all over again’. I presumed he was right, since seeing her all these things went wrong in my mind, it’s as if I have to completely cut ANYTHING off to do with her even if that means someone I barely know who she might like a picture on or interact with on social media. We continued our talk, where I explained to him everything and how I felt, how I confided in someone who was recently becoming my friend and a former friend of hers, but became friends with me five months ago and I would tell her things about my relationship with my ex and how now I see them uploading pictures together and commenting on each other’s pictures realizing everything I said to her was shared with my ex. I felt betrayal, regret, anger and anxiety but now it’s just another lesson learnt, I guess that’s the only way I can see it. What hurt most is that it was another person who yet confirmed in her mind I was a crazy stalker psycho who asked for advice and constant reassurance. My therapist explained, “do not message the friend, and you cannot talk to the ex even if you see her, I know you may want to, or you imagine even running into her, but how do you think that conversation will go, she will say I want nothing to do with, I have nothing to say, it will only make things worse overall”. I realized that dose of reality was the truth and I always needed to tell myself that. He further explained, “you idolize her, so you see her as a queen right now, that is not love, you will not get back together and it wouldn’t even be healthy to, remember the last thing she said to you in a message”. After discussing more and me saying it’s embarrassing we are back here I told him deep down I don’t even want her back, it’s the fact that someone is ignoring me and I am on their list of “never talk to this person again” when I just want to be seen as normal to her with fond memories. He advised me to keep doing things like exercising, to avoid areas where she might be, to eat right, and get back to the basic needs. Literally, I realize now this is all like building blocks, one block after the other, I lay them down, waiting for them to cement, then the next one is laid down, then the next. The worst part is, I know I am not ready to even connect emotionally yet with another girl, or even really talk to one on a deep level with the hope of a connection. I had/have such a co-dependency issue and deep trust issues I relate too many things to her and even seeing an attractive girl I compare it to my ex. So tonight, I pick up the pieces and go back to the drawing board. I write down “day one” in my no-fap journal, I cold shower in the mornings and night, I went out and took more pictures, I edited them, I reached out to more people in the photography forum for advice and techniques, I ordered a book called ‘The Rational Man’, I tanned and put tanning cream on to help with the bronzing, and watched two episodes of south park and laughed with my brother and now write this before bed. I don’t know exactly what direction I am going in, but I know I am going in ups and downs and there are more to come and hopefully I am making some sort of progress. The worst part is they are all unpredictable, I feel as if I am on egg shells knowing she is just five minutes down the road, and my family are kind of on egg shels around me due to my emotions and unpredictable mood swings. I mentioned the pills to the therapist and he said I am surely on the right ones and to continue them, I guess I will trust him. My fear is I become dependent on them, but I will discuss that with him next time. I have limited to me logging on to Facebook as minimal as possible as the only means of access are through my computer at home, the worst part is sometimes when I log in I get scared to see a little red message notification of her messaging again, it’s as if I fear that she would contact me.
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