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PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2016 9:03 pm 
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Care to elaborate Heywood.

I also saw my Therapist, for the first time today. I will update soon. Tomorrow I will wake up, and go for a run.


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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2016 1:52 am 
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Here we go again...


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PostPosted: Wed May 11, 2016 10:22 pm 
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May 11th 2016 – Therapy

Hey lads,

Today I had my second Therapy session. I had a very short one the other day, but it got cut short as he emailed me an appointment change but he sent it to the wrong email so I wasn’t aware.

Things have gotten better I presume. In the morning, it is the worst every single day. It’s like I never want to wake up or get out of bed and I just want the day to pass by. This morning my dad (who told my mum he is very worried about me and wants to help me but doesn’t know how to tried dragging me out of bed at 1 o’clock). I seem to be avoiding him for some reason because I don’t want to face that talk with him as he isn’t emotional and just does not understand. Anyways, my therapist and I had a good talk today and actually a lot of the things he said were things you all picked out (well done). He is worried for me that in two weeks when she returns that I will have temptations or randomly want to see her or cross her path. He basically said to me she is a drug, a poisonous drug to you, and you should do everything you can to never let that back in your life. I told him about my family and how my dad cheated on my mum which may contribute to my trust issues and how the thing is this hasn’t been the first time this happened to me and that I have been distraught over a girl. So next Saturday we are going to go over my past relationships and see what happened in my child hood and what triggered my ‘codependency’. He said this is a process, not a personality trait. He said the main thing to do is stay active, with runs and sport. I have lost 5 kg in one month basically and it’s awful and I need to build it back up so I am drinking weight gainer each night and starting to eat more as my appetite is coming back. At the end of the therapy session I told him about the anti-depressants I am on (which I am having side-effects from one of them being agitation and my body twitches, it’s awful). He has now put me on new anti-depressants. I take the following: 20 mg of Lexapro (escitalopram) which helps with serotonin levels. I take ½ of Sulpiride in the morning to help with anxiety and relaxation, and Lorazepam at night to help me sleep. I was reading about these drugs, and to be honest they scare me with the side effects. I am scared to even take them but I guess I should. Also my balls kind of hurt which I don’t know if it is normal. I have also taken 8 cold showers, and on day nine of NoFap.

On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy to get the new anti-depressants and a beautiful blond girl walked in and I was looking at her and she smiled at me. I was on the phone talking English to a friend and she was behind me (with her mum). However, we made eye contact a few times, and she walked over nearby me looking at some make up product. In French, I said to her, you don’t need that, trust me . She smiled and said thank you and her mother came over and it got kind of awkward so I paid and left. When I was driving home, I saw another beautiful girl walking her dog. With cars behind me, I stopped my BMW at the zebra crossing, wound down my window and said ‘Can I ask you a question, what type of dog is that it’s beautiful’. She told me the breed and a car beeped behind me. She laughed and smiled and I said looks like I have to go, but hopefully I will see you around, and she said, hopefully. I doubt I will but who knows.

Anyways, my camera (Nikon D3300) arrives tomorrow. I am excited about that and will put in effort to learn about the shutter speed, aperture and so forth. I also put this new wooden skin on my MacBook Retina to make it look sexy. I guess I am trying to do things to make myself look better as I let go of that. I reached out to my friends today in the SPAM group telling them about my situation and they all showed me love which was nice. I am still down, don’t get me wrong. Today at night, I walked past a place where we once kissed and she told me she loved me and wanted to spend her future with me. Seeing the place I started thinking of memories her and I had around this neighborhood and then I got very anxious wondering if she has a new guy and if she will ever realize what she did to me, want me back, will she contact me and so forth. Also, my therapist said she is poisonous, like a drug to me. I wondered on my way home, if a drug is a drug, it’s bad, heroine ruins lives and she basically did the same thing to me. However, will she always do this to men, or was this just done to me because I failed her shit tests? I recently discovered the seven pillars of respect women go through with a man and what they do, and it went pretty far with her to the point of verbal abuse and physical. I tolerated a lot of shit. I wondered if I didn’t put up with her shit from the beginning she would have respected me more, if it would have been fine and she would like that and me more, or she wouldn’t have tolerated that.

Just unfollowed all her friends off social media, zero connection to her now, I guess.


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PostPosted: Sat May 14, 2016 4:28 pm 
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May 14th 2016 – Therapy Session Number Two

I think it is important for me to log my therapy sessions so I can re-read them and fully track my progress. My therapist says that I should not be looking for another girlfriend or ‘fuck buddy’ in this mind set anyways so my journal entries will be about my mental progress first and then I will start to note more about my approaches when the time is right.

Today when I spoke to my therapist the first thing he did was ask me, “how is your mind, any thoughts”, and I told him, lately I realize my emotions have shifted from sadness to hate, where I feel like she got away with everything, from biting me, hitting me, slapping me, calling me verbal names, ignoring me, and then the moment she had an escape she took it and I was called a psycho when she did all those things above it is like she got away with it all and is happy about it. It hurts me that someone can do such a thing that I considered I love that for her she just used me and then threw me in the trash not even looking back. He said to me, the goal should not be to be sad about her, or hate her, it should be to see her as nothing at the end of the day, the past, because as long as she is any emotion to you she hinders my progress. He expressed how concerned he is that she returns in two weeks to being five minutes down the road and he is urging me to find a job or hobby that takes my mind and keeps me busy during the day. Furthermore, he suggests that I should not even be in the country whilst she is here and make plans to leave on vacation or find something abroad.

Like last week, he told me that I have an addiction and I was a slave to her, he told me that I see relationships like the stock exchange. I go all in, and if I win high one day I am great, but if I lose, I am low and that is how I see it. That I go 99% in with everything and that chosen person becomes my everything. We started to figure out why I was this way, and he said something in my childhood triggered this but we couldn’t necessarily put our fingers on it. Some reasons he said might be that; 1) I travelled a lot when I was younger all around the world due my father’s work, I was always leaving friends, but I always had my mother and was close to her in my life. 2) Having this close relationship with my mum, where she always provided for me, treated me like her special son and babied me, and then seeing her get cheated on, may have done more damaged than I thought in some ways, but I am not entirely sure how, potentially trust issues? 3) It is obvious I seek validation from an outside source rather than myself, I am not happy from within, I do not understand why. That I am insecure and have low self-esteem. He made some interesting points which got my mind working and said that my relationships are like a jail, that I get trapped within them and can’t escape them, and he said it makes sense now why I enter these relationships because they have so much passion and fire and it fulfills me. He is worried about me, because he saw it in my eyes that I am not sleeping much, and I am suffering he says. My family also sees this and my dad keeps trying to understand what’s going on and says we need to talk which we will do tomorrow. Honestly, I have mixed opinions about this therapist, he says good things, and sometimes I feel like he has so many clients he may not really remember exactly what my situation is. I do feel like he cares a lot about me though. All in all, he said that this girl is poison to me, toxic, that I need to keep my mind busy, that I need a new addiction and for that it needs to be something such as being fit and active. I am sitting here wondering, how do I fully take advantage of my therapy lessons, do I need them, are they helping? How do I never ever get back to this stage in my life? How do I learn from this?


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PostPosted: Sat May 14, 2016 4:34 pm 
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Keep doing your therapy as change wont happen over night.

I agree with finding a hobby to keep you busy with as well.


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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 5:50 pm 
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This comes to no surprise to anyone here but you are addicted to finding the answer you want. To salvage this relationship would benefit you little. To learn to come out of denial and accept this failed relationship can give you the strength to try again. What your therapists has said is what we have all said. However, you move from each of our answers to a therapist and now you doubt your therapists advice, only to likely ask someone else. Accept the answers. Right now I am dealing with a hard reality with my current girlfriend. However, I have found peace by being willing to let go. You must as well.


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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2016 10:07 pm 
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Tuesday, May 17th – Session Three

Today was an interesting session. When I came in he asked me straight away to tell him about my relationship with my mother. I told him that my relationship with my mother was always good, I was mainly her special child, however, her and I weren’t always as close as we are today. My relationship with my mother became very close after she got cheated on by my father and I helped her through that stage of her life. Since then she has always been there for me and tends to bail me out of situations with love, care, money, words, and sometimes in the end she can be easy to manipulate but she also has the best intentions at heart. I love my mother very much and it is safe to say that my love for women stems from my love for my mum, which is the problem. He carried on to say that “you told me last session that you didn’t have many close friends that are girls in your life, and your first interactions and constant interaction with women is mostly from your mum in which she holds unconditional love for you, so it makes sense you always expect to have unconditional love from your partner who is a female. In the end, you didn’t manipulate your ex, or your last ex, they manipulated you, which is why you fall so hard and struggle so much after a break up because that’s not what your experiences with girls tell you how it should be”. Realizing he was one hundred per cent right, he then changed topic and asked me, “what do you want to be when you grow up, when you were a teenager what did you always think about wanting to do?” I told him I wanted to be a professional soccer player but that dream was over. He then said, right now in the summer, why don’t I look for coaching jobs or search for jobs around that area of sports. It went on and on for about twenty minutes, and I started to get really frustrated to be honest with the way it was going. I kept on thinking, I am spending 100 euro to have this unwanted discussion with this guy about my future which is just like a conversation my dad would have with me. Finally, towards the end of the talk, he told me; “the reason we are talking about what you want to do, and why I ask what you want to do in the future is because you focus on your partner or relationship more than you focus on yourself with so much passion because it’s easier for you to do. That the talk we just had was so hard for you because you don’t know what you want to do or work towards, but if you had a girlfriend, you would throw everything towards her and that”. I guess that was my problem and always has been my problem, and is the thing I need to work towards fixing most.

He advised me to separate my day into two halves and that I do one thing in each half of the day for myself. So in the first half of the day for an example, I could send out emails to sports agencies (something I am interested in being) about job inquiries, and the second half of the day I could look into soccer teams to play for and send out emails about showing interest. So by the end of the week I have ten things that I have done for myself as opposed to none. I guess that was an interesting way to look at things. I told him that the anti-depressants are making me a bit hyper and result in me doing abnormal things but they are bringing me back to my normal self which he is happy about. I have also put on 2-3 kg in a short amount of time being back in the last week by eating more, but now I need to go running and put together a sports plan. Towards the end of the session, I asked him how I can stop thinking about her at random moments, and he told me that in the short term there is nothing I can do except tell myself to stop and do something else, that this isn’t a short term process, that we are working towards fixing myself long term. That we work towards her not being in my thought process because I am so focused on myself and working towards what I want. Towards the end of the session, we discussed my relationship with her a bit more and he asked me if I thought her actions were subconscious or conscious that she was an abuser, because he believes that no one can be aware that they are consciously treating someone that way and abuses them. I think he asked it because I was wondering why we didn’t discuss mine and her relationship much, which I suppose is a good thing. However, it left me on a spiral of thoughts wondering the answer to this question. He told me to research the process behind a drug, and that I am in the withdrawal stage.


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PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2016 10:10 pm 
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Therapy – Session Number Four

Today’s therapy session was a good talk. I would love to say that we spoke about me and my future plans and so forth in detail, but the chat started out with me stating that I received an email from her father two days ago. He emailed me in a friendly manner talking about soccer and asking me about my predictions for my team who played in the middle of the week and my predictions on the next soccer season and who I think will win. I didn’t reply yet as I wanted to talk to my therapist about what I should reply (if I should reply at all) and see what he would advise. He advised me to reply to his email very amicably and just mention soccer and nothing else (which I will do after this).

We then moved on to talk about my new hobbies as I received my new camera and I went out taking pictures with my dad. I also bought a very highly recommended beginners book to photography to teach me all about how to use the gadget. I also spoke to my dad about my therapy sessions and what has been going on through my head in the middle of the week. It was a good talk because I mostly saw how supportive he is and how he thinks and believes I am a very smart guy who is just clouded by inappropriate and unnecessary things in life like girls and an “immature relationship” in his words. He said to me, “I can understand how someone can be so distraught over a relationship, but you have to respect my opinion, I don’t understand how someone can be so hurt over a relationship and can’t just move on”. We discussed things about business, family, and other sorts of ventures that he has in mind. He wants to move to Portugal as there is zero tax there and he receives his pension soon. So he offered me to come with him in a week or two to Portugal and look around the neighborhoods and houses there but I am undecided if I will go or not. Anyways, my therapist and I got onto the topic of her and actually discussed abusive relationships as a whole. He discussed that in these circumstances he can relate the grief to another patient he has currently who is working towards getting over a death, but in comparison, heartbreak can be worse than a death because heartbreak can lead to one having hope and decisions to make as in; “should I call them or not?”, “will they come back?”, “are they thinking of me?”, “what are they up to?”, as with death it’s just a straight forward process to moving on and knowing they aren’t coming back. I asked the following question a lot in the past to myself and so I asked him saying, “I know it’s not the reason why we broke up, but I feel like it is my fault because me texting her friends was the final straw, that’s why I feel it was my fault the relationship ended”. He replied, “it was not your fault, it takes two in the relationship, a deer is hunted by a bear, if a deer makes a wrong turn or steps on a twig and makes a noise is it it’s fault? She could not break up with you because it is hard to break up with someone even if that’s what she wanted to do. She abused you and she was no longer getting the reaction she wanted out of you. She did not use non-violent communication (there you go N2Void), she blamed you for things instead of saying how she feels. Furthermore, in her next relationship, she might not be a bear, she might be some other animal on the food chain but she is not looking for a new guy right now, she is looking for her next victim to control in a slave like relationship as that is all she seems to know”. I don’t know why but this did bring me a bit of comfort hearing a therapist who see’s people on a daily basis in these situations confide in me saying that it wasn’t my fault and that she was also to blame and won’t change. However, he did say that I need to work on my attention seeking and self-esteem, which will be fixed by me doing interesting things in my life and striving towards something that excites and fulfills me. That is the next thing I am working towards. I have looked up sports agencies to apply to and configured a training plan to stick to for myself so I return to pre-season quite strong. I am also going to the Euro-2016 Cup Final in Paris France so I guess that is something to look forward to.

Achievements:
-Made deans list this academic term.
-Can go into the shower now fully blasting on the coldest temperature.


Chiefs Blow Out mission:
I went to the casino the other day because I was bored and no one is around really to go out with me downtown to clubs, and trust me, it's the last time I will ever go to the casino. Mainly because I looked around and although there were some hot girls the vibe there is that of old people literally throwing their money away and touching machines and it's pretty gross. Anyways, the idea of the blow out mission is to actually get rejected by girls. This builds no fear in the rejection and allows me to believe I have nothing to lose when approaching any girl from here on out. After having two vodka coke's and the courage enough to do this. I went to the first girl, brunette, slim, but had massive titties playing roulette.

Me: You winning?
Her: No, my luck today sucks.
Me: You need some change of luck then, can I blow on them?
Her: Excuse me? (Definitely think a guy over heard me as well and started listening in on the chat who couldn't believe what I said).
Me: Well, they are pretty big...
Her: Are you being serious right now?
Me: What? Your eyes are massive, whats wrong with you...
Her: Okay, sure, because that's what you meant. Rolling her eyes.
...I walked away.

Went to another roulette table. Approached a skinny, small, half asian, wearing a tight dress with black hair.
Me: How's the table, it any hot? Well I know.. it's hot now, i'm here, but how was it before?
Her: Laughed with her friends. They walked away, laughing.
:roll:

Went to the black jack table where I saw another Asian/half American girl not playing but intensely watching on the side (I'm not even really into asians I did this for the post and the mission). Literally went up to her and said:
Me: I have to tell you something, it will kill me if I don't say it.
Her: Haha, oh yeah, what's that?
Me: Chinese Japanese dirty knees look at these (holding two black 100 chips)
Her: (laughing) haha, you're funny, i'm going to get a refill. Hopefully you get more of those.


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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2016 9:42 pm 
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Therapy May 23rd 2016 – Session Number Five - Letting Go

Today’s session had me going in with a lot of questions. I had received no reply from her father, which isn’t a big issue as my email back to him was very amicable with me just replying to the questions he had asked about soccer and at the end of the email I explained to him I will be ending the phone bill when I am back in America. I came into the session with a bunch of questions written down on a piece of paper which I will address individually throughout this post. Firstly, I read him out loud the message she had written to me, which she had obviously written in reply to my previous message sent around three weeks ago. His first reaction when I read the message was silence and him shaking his head saying “why”. “What does she try and accomplish from this message to you” he muttered.
I asked him why did she reply to my message three weeks later and after I posted a picture of myself on Instagram, what was she expecting to get out of it, and why would she message me if she says in her message she finds it “impossible to ever converse with me or give me a second chance”. His reply was that he believes her message to me is a blessing in disguise but most of all her final stance of her moving on and having the last word. He insists that her message was sent with violence behind it and there was no need for her to do that using words such as ‘petty’. Furthermore, he said that she is making it well known that she is replying to my last message as she is re-quoting certain words that I used and ended the messaged with “those are my thoughts”, when in my last message I asked her for her thoughts in the final sentences. In my own opinion, I do not know if I agree with my therapist overall on this as it seems to me that she is messaging me after the first time I showed on social media that I was doing fine and better than she thought I was doing, she therefore used this as an opportunity to knock me down a few pegs in a message and it didn’t look like she randomly messaged me when she is replying to me. I told this to my therapist and he didn’t disagree with the notion, but he didn’t necessarily agree with it either. In his mind, he says the message is now 100% clear on where she stands and that if I had 90% stability before and 10% hope of her coming back, that now this hope should be at 0%. All in all, I don’t understand still why she messaged me, people seem to have different opinions but it is clear my therapist seems to think this is her way of saying she wants nothing to do with me, a part of me is wondering if my therapist is convincing me this for his and my benefit in the hopes of moving forward. He said that the message was sent with “hate” to which I swallowed a big gulp getting upset and asked him if she hates me? He replied no, I do not think so, but the message was aggressive and there was no need to have that. She uses words such as “see” and “hear” meaning she saw your post and she heard things you said or did and is addressing this later on when she could have had the chance to do so earlier in the moment.
I then began to question all the things I did after the break up and before the break up, as her message points out the things I did which “were unacceptable”, I began to doubt myself and believe her words. This simple message sent from her set me so far back, that I couldn’t even sleep that night, and the next day I got out of bed at three o’clock. I named all the things I did after we broke up to the therapist, that I called her, I sent her a message, I wrote her a letter, I begged her, I spoke to her friends, I even became friends with one of her close friends and I felt like partly, mostly, she may be right. That she is right, that I should stop playing the victim, I don’t want to even play that card, that the things I did were in fact petty. However, I was in a place where I felt so lost because of the way she treated me, spoke to me, it doesn’t justify my actions but could potentially contribute to them. A good friend of mine says that she thinks she feels threatened now, threatened because people are starting (through word of mouth coming from me) to realize the type of girl she is and what she has done to someone she so “loved”. I can only reckon that the friends she has around her at her college now are talking to her and now defending her and this is why she feels even more empowered, when in the past they told me ‘how can you put up with a girl like that’ and I would reply certain things. I told my therapist that, even though her message to me shouldn’t change anything, why do I feel like it has changed a lot in my progress and affected me so much? He replied to me saying, because you were addicted to her, simply. You were addicted to her and in your head needed her and now you are in the withdrawal stage, and now that this drug has come back and given you a bit of a taste even through a hurtful message it is something. All in all, this shouldn’t change my mission and goals. I explained to him the thought of her with another guys still hurts as it is easy for a girl to just get a guy as opposed to a guy getting a girl, and the thought of her having sex with someone else makes me sick. That she probably views me like a ‘piece of shit’ and maybe it was me who brought this out of her. He further explained it is the addiction, and she is looking for someone else right now and is hunting and that I didn’t bring this out of her. That I would have only delayed or suppressed this side from her if I wasn’t needy or seeking validation. A friend explained this to me with the analogy that a bear doesn’t stop hunting because it’s prey gets away or dies, the bear keeps hunting to survive because it’s all they know. This is all she knows. Her mother is the same way, it’s all she knows.
I then asked him a question to which I should be able to answer myself but just couldn’t. I asked him, “why can I not delete her off my mother’s snapchat account which I occasionally log into and look at what she is up to, why am I so fucking curious”. He explained again, that through social media it is an easy access to get my dose of drug. That each time she uploads a snapchat story or update that in a sense is a hit of the drug and leaves me waiting for the next dose. I was ultimately addicted to her and everything she did, it never started that way, but because of the way it developed and her methods of SPAM to me it went down this path because I didn’t leave the relationship and accepted her awful behavior. This answered my following question, which was why can I not get over someone who treated me so poorly and horribly, why? because I was addicted. Why do I put her on a pedestal, because I was addicted, I am addicted, and getting through the withdrawal stage, and I will get un-addicted!
Most importantly, I asked him what the next steps are for me and for him to be tough with me with boundaries. He said, there are stages you are currently going through. You have been “knocked out” so to speak, and you need to focus on yourself and only yourself. In this order, you need to regain your physicality, and this is done through exercise, sleep, and food. The following stage will come mental health, and there will be a process of stages here such as denial, anger, hurt, acceptance, and moving forward which is followed by goal setting to rebuild and progress. He explained that I should download a video game, which I will buy ‘counter strike’ tomorrow as this hypnosis and addiction will allow the brain an hour or two of relaxation and form a new type of addiction. The next personal step for me is to right now mute her Facebook conversation so no message ever pops up with her name on my phone again (done!), now followed by the hard one, which I just did… remove her off my mums snapchat and now will remain logged in on my mine (done!!). I officially have no ties to her anymore, no reason now but to only look forward. I follow her on no social media now. I will (try) to never ask about her, or go on her Facebook page or Instagram page (which I just clicked hide so she never pops up). I am therefore treating this as a drug addiction and have now removed all sources to the drug, there is no possible way to get any hits or a smell of it now. This was a big step for me tonight, as little or ‘petty’ as it may look from the outside. The next meetings with my therapist are now going to focus on me and my codependence tendencies and why I formed this behavior. He briefly discussed this towards the end of my session and he said that he can tell I love my mother very much and seem dependent on her and that during the time of my relationship I seemed to have replaced the attention of my relationship with my mother to a new one (her). If that is the case the answer is simple; I need to work on independence and goal setting to become a new individual who is driven.


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PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2016 3:20 pm 
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Therapy May 25th 2016 – Session Number Six

Today’s session seemed to go by fast with just having a session two days ago. Today he asked me if I had heard anything new in regards to her contacting me and obviously I had told him no. I also told him about me deleting her off all social media including my mums snapchat, and additionally deleting all pictures I had of her off my phone. It was quite a big step although it seems so simple when I type it. I no longer go on her Facebook to see if she is adding any guys and I seem to think she is running through my mind less. However, today when I was driving down the street I thought I did see a girl that looked like her and my heart stopped. Today, we spoke about my dad and my relationship with him, how a man like him is very black and white, great for a business in a way, can push a button and always stay on task but when it comes to this part of my life, understanding and emotions that I should try and involve him as minimal as possible. His function in the family is to maintain as much control as possible in the short-term as long term he does not understand where he will end up. As he supports me financially and I greatly appreciate everything he does for me, it makes sense why someone who can just get over someone or something so quickly would not be a great influence towards me and my progress. Further on, my therapist asked me whether she has any new friends after our relationship, and I explained that she does and that she is publicly always being photographed with this one girl that she would always talk to me about before they befriended one another. He explained that he isn’t surprised as this is a ‘mirror’ concept, how she is now with someone who she doesn’t have to explain herself to or justify herself to. This in a way could be her new addiction, however, a friendship that she does not need to have control over. I told him that I was talking to a new girl, when I say talking I purely meaning snapchatting a girl in another country but doing so made me sad knowing that she herself went through this phase a lot quicker than I did whilst I was always thinking about her and she probably went through it a lot more graphically. He replied saying that the best thing for me is to still not be involved with a girl right now, I may be talking friendly towards one but nothing more as my memories are still attached to my ex and everything would be a comparison.
On a brighter note, I told him that I had found a new hobby, photography, and it has taken up a lot of my hours in the day lately as I randomly go out and take pictures of fields and horses and then edit them together with my new DSLR camera. I showed him some of the pictures and he was quite impressed. Furthermore, I downloaded a game but have yet to play it on my computer. I feel like I am becoming more organized with things and school. All in all, the session went by quick, and he explained how if I did randomly bump into her or thought I would at a certain time, to turn the other way or smile and walk past. Again, the goal is to slowly move forward and away from my old addiction. Didn’t even check her Facebook today to see if she added any friends.


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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2016 12:33 am 
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Therapy May 31st 2016 – Session Number Seven

Today’s session was quite interesting. I walked into the session with the thought that I should tell my therapist that I don’t know when to rebook next session as I may go on holiday with my dad (not a lie, not entirely true because a holiday was not planned) and then later on write to him him an email saying that I have enjoyed our sessions and I believe I have gotten full use out of them and can move on with my life. I went into the room this Monday afternoon, after spending the last two days fully cleaning my room, repainting it, reorganizing it, throwing old things out feeling quite good with myself. Even knowing she was five minutes down the road I hadn’t even thought about her really, maybe just occasionally. The only time I do think of her is when I drive down that one main road in my town and I get scared of running into her. Anyways, entering my therapists’ room, we spoke about normal things, the champions league final that was played and Ronaldo’s overly done celebration, my weekend, my room change, how my dad is, all this just confirming in my mind that it’s about time to move on from therapy and do what he has very so suggested to me; continue my goal setting, keep busy, stay active – and go live. Throughout the talk, we came onto the topic of family and family members. Even typing this right now, I try to be as non-detailed as possible. Writing is even harder than talking sometimes. We came upon a subject that happened to me in my past, that I had never told anyone, ever. I do not even know how the topic came up and when I try and remember my talk with the therapist I draw a blank to how the subject arose and how I continued to push myself to talk about it. All I know is, when it came into my mind, I blocked it out, and then I realized I had never spoken about this to anyone and I was silent and he knew something was on my mind and picked up on it. I asked him, ‘everything we say stays in this room, correct?’, he swore with his hand up. I then told him I cannot say it, not to be dramatic at all, just the thought of bringing it up again was something that I had blocked out of my mind and it has always been easier that way. He asked me to explain what I am thinking, and he helped me put the words together as I tried to find them, and for the first time ever I told someone something I had never told anyone before that had happened to me in my past. He seems to think this has a big effect on me deep in my psyche. In that room, during that time, the feelings I felt were a mixture of sickening and right now even hard to put into words and describe the emotions. After the time was up, he sat up and looked at me and said, “you have never told anyone that before have you?”, I answered, “no, I have not”. We booked another session for Sunday. When I came home, it was as if we didn’t have that specific talk and I continued to move my room around and finished it all up. My therapist and I didn’t even talk once about her. I believe everything that has to be said about her I guess has been said. I do want to stop therapy, but maybe I should continue it.

On a positive, I feel like I am on top of things. The most organized I have ever been. Taking photos and editing them, bought a photography book to help my hobby, some tan cream, learning new things, school work is good, I am clean and looking after myself trying to eat more, I do notice everything I do needs to be perfect from A-Z before I dive into it. For an example my room: I have labeled where all my clothes go on the shelves and cupboards in a neat and nice looking note fashion with see-through tape over it. I have always been clean but I wonder if the Lexapro pills are making me over the top on being a clean freak/OCD. I am/was terrified of spiders, just before I cleaned my whole room and I then saw a spider making a web in the corner, I got annoyed I killed it with my bear hands squashing it. It was a baby spider but still.

In the last two weeks, I have had a girl in Iceland I have been talking to start and…stop. We started off talking, we sent flirty forward sexy snaps towards each other and she showed me she had a vibrator she was using to get off to me. She thought I was hot and liked my personality. She actually just snapped me now saying she misses me but I know the reason why we can’t talk. Anyways, she told me she wanted me all to herself, and mentioned another girl she was obviously jealous of that I guess knew about me. I told her she has nothing to be jealous of and she has me all to herself. Two days later, she was super quiet to me and not texting as much so I messaged her saying ‘look, I’m not dumb, obviously something is up so just tell me’. She told me that she had been talking to another guy before she met me and feels bad sending me these pictures and talking to me like this. We haven’t spoken since then. I guess I learnt to not give a woman what she wants and validate them. It’s crazy because we actually had so much in common to the extent of playing the same sport and supporting the same team. It was so easy with her talking.
Today I got in touch with a new girl, basically we met online and she is where I live in America at Uni. She is hot but seems to like the expensive cars and guys about the flashy shabang show. We met today and have a lot in common but I have been starting most of the convos and snapping her so now I am going to back off. Any advice? She recently got out of 5 year relationship two months ago and obviously you all know my situation.


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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2016 12:56 am 
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Sure man....you don't need anymore sessions.... Seven is enough to solve a seven year problem.

Also good for you to start dating again.... You're really ready for that. You're ready after a week of crying over your ex to start something where you wouldn't fall back into dependency

Sarcasm


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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2016 1:07 am 
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Quote:
Sure man....you don't need anymore sessions.... Seven is enough to solve a seven year problem.

Also good for you to start dating again.... You're really ready for that. You're ready after a week of crying over your ex to start something where you wouldn't fall back into dependency

Sarcasm
Thanks Neo.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2016 7:13 am 
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Get to know her without much expectation. Just practice engaging with women again (and entertaining the possibility of someone new) is a healthy thing, just be sure to keep talk of your ex out of the equation. You're creating a new narrative w/o her in it.

As per therapy, who's to say how many sessions you may benefit from. There's obviously some blockage and it may be helpful to delve into that with him/her. Though you may feel you're getting better things will ebb and flow, but if need be you can always continue up with therapy, or even try a new therapist.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2016 10:35 pm 
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Get to know her without much expectation. Just practice engaging with women again (and entertaining the possibility of someone new) is a healthy thing, just be sure to keep talk of your ex out of the equation. You're creating a new narrative w/o her in it.

As per therapy, who's to say how many sessions you may benefit from. There's obviously some blockage and it may be helpful to delve into that with him/her. Though you may feel you're getting better things will ebb and flow, but if need be you can always continue up with therapy, or even try a new therapist.
How do I get off these pills safely.


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