December 31st 2015
I whacked off to porn once. Drank twice. Didn't Assert My Needs.
I've still been doing fairly well at not drinking, and I've only slipped on porn once. Not coincidentally both happened in the same night.
The thing I wanted to note was that I recently experienced a brief derailment regarding vulnerability and self investment.
The first noteworthy thing that happened was that I made a fake Tinder profile with a pornstar chick I found on the internet. My takeaway from that was that it makes absolutely no sense when you choose not to be yourself or play it safe to secure investment from women. Any given chick can get hundreds of matches and tons of messages from guys every single time they log on. Whatever you say or do (good or bad) is just a ripple in their pond. I also found that most guys on there were dreadfully boring, and extremely needy.
The other thing that happened was I had a brief fling with a girl that I knew through social circles. By fling though, I unfortunately mean a fling minus anything sexual. Long story short, let’s say that I found out that she was conflicted with what she wanted, and sexually unavailable (for whatever reason, my presumption is trust issues). I thought she was cute. A little quirky and not my usual type but I was willing to give her a shot. I took her on two “dates” and they were fun...but I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that I wasn’t able to induce those windows of opportunity for escalating. If I held her hand, she would maybe hold it for a bit then change the subject and pull away. I actually ended up sleeping with her the second night we hung out, and I still didn’t make a move. She ended up falling asleep halfway through it. (This is pretty depressing to type out…)
I don’t put the burden of us not physically connecting all on me. That would be unfair. After thinking about it, I may have been afraid to make a move, but that fear was not misplaced. It stemmed from the fact that I cued in on her resistance to actually invest in me. I was willing to put physicality and emotions on the line. She was only willing to share emotions.
I do have a takeaway from what happened though. An area for improvement.
What I am not particularly proud of is that I didn’t assert my needs. I was willing to put what she wanted first in the hope that I would get what I wanted after. This is not self-love or self-responsibility. This is not being "nice" or "other-minded". This is self-abandonment.
She kept talking about how a lot of guys make her uncomfortable and misjudge her friendliness as interest. So in my mind I kindve agreed to not be like the other guys and play it cool. I would only go for it if/when I was absolutely sure she wanted me to.
Well that moment never came, and I ended up asking her point blank if she had wanted something to happen the night we slept together. She basically ended up saying that she was just content with me being there, and didn’t really want anything.
If I had known she had just wanted a cuddle buddy and pretend boyfriend to show her friends, would I have agreed in the first place? Would I have watched a lame movie by myself while she was passed out? Fuck no. And now that I think about it, she wasn’t conflicted about dating me or not. She was internally conflicted with whether she was okay stringing me along in the friendzone or not. It is highly unlikely that legitimately seeing me was ever really on the table.
So what does this mean for me? Well I shouldn’t be disappointed for “fucking up a good thing” because I was afraid.
I should be displeased to admit that I didn’t assert my needs or wants. In a situation of ambivalence, I deferred. I didn’t stick up for myself.
If you break down the numbers, statistically speaking you are going to NOT get the girl more times than you will get her. This is just the truth. Any good player will admit to it. Embrace it. Because of this fact alone, you should never subjugate yourself for someone else. Period the end.
The mantra I need to tattoo on myself (and many guys like me) is PUT YOUR NEEDS FIRST. Wanting to kiss her was not an evil intention. I should have attempted to do what I wanted to do, and if she didn't like it then at that point I could determine why and if it was worth my time to stay. It would have been a positive move though because it would have saved us both time. (See Manson's concept of polarizing).
Like many concepts, it is something I was strongly familiar with in theory, but it can take a long time and many real life experiences before it actually clicks.
She didn't string you along. She seemed quite upfront on what her feelings were. Ironically, it was her ambivalence that kept you attracted to her. Thankfully, you know better than most chodes
You're right - you absolutely should put your needs first, do what YOU want to do, and if she doesn't accept well that's life. The earlier you push things sexual, the better, because it clears up both your frame and hers.