First of all, thank you for taking the time to write this. This is a gem of a post. I read this earlier and decided to follow the advice in here before replying.
I'll take it line by line.
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No, I meant 20 points. They do it almost every time they open their mouth, and so do you. It's natural, normal.
Maybe I'm missing something here, but what is/are a point(s)?
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The same reason you don't hear these is the reason you can't find anything to say (that is being in your head). You aren't hold these conversations like normal conversations. It's while you are figuring out what to say that you are missing when the girl tells you what to say next. The basic rule is that it doesn't matter what you talk about. Conversation with a new pretty girl is fun. You wanted to talk to her, and you are. Who cares about what?
So, anything? I feel like there is a line somewhere between good and bad/fun and boring conversation...and it's literally, (yes I was paying attention to it today) the first few seconds of running into someone where the first thought in my head is,
what do I say? It's almost like I feel this pressure, like I am responsible for carrying the conversation and being entertaining. (not dancing monkey entertaining but most people in my life look at me as a leader. I know that may sound contradictictive since I'm here asking for advice on what seems like a basic skill --however, its only in certain situations where I become the conversational choke artist)
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. That's what they want, and so do you ultimately. If you are engaged, then you SHOULD care about what their day was like or how they are. This is them telling you about their lives and how it makes them feel.
So I can do this without it seeming like boring mundane talk? Because I tried this today and this girl seemed so surprised/excited to talk to me about her weekend (even though she didnt really do anything, she just was happy to share it with me)
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You aren't comfortable. You get comfortable by small talk, you know, the stuff you hate.
this right here. there is such a positive fucking correlation with how strong my game is and my comfort level its black and white. I can literally seem like two different people sometimes. If I'm not comfortable I'll get self conscious or start wondering what everyones opinion of me is. It gets me more in my head and then I start wondering how people are perceiving me etc etc. It's fucking weird bro.
On the other hand, when I'm comfortable, whether its with my friends and girls or just in an area where I'm getting all around positive vibes I'm like Dan Bilzerian. I don't get it. It's sooooo polar opposite but its true. I'd prefer to be Dan Bilzerian all the time. not just some of the time.
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As for the topics I like, it's whatever gets the girl involved, interested and comfortable talking. I like that they are talking to me. So, generally, I sit and enjoy it. I'm relaxed and listening. In two sentences she could have dropped 5 hints about what to talk about, so I never have to think about it. If she had mentioned school, I'd say "school?". That's all. Not much to it.
So what about in situations when she isn't dropping many hints? you make it sound so easy. Idk if I'm just overcomplicating conversation (highly likely as I am somewhat of a perfectionist) or if you're oversimplifying for argument's sake. either way, great point and I'll be sure to be more aware of this as the next couple days go on.
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You don't like to talk about work, what about the people there? The situations? If they like it and why or why not? How it makes them feel? I often as if being a [blank] is their goal in life, to which they most likely say no and then tell you what is. See, you don't like talking about work but it's one simple question away from talking about hopes and dreams and goals. If that's boring, then there is no helping you.
sorry, I realize I wasn't very clear about this. It's not that I dont like talking about work. It's that sometimes I get stuck
only talking about work and I hate to be that boring guy who only talks about work. I try to always find a balance and so when I feel like the conversation has only been work-related I steer away from it and try not to come back to it for a while (or at least until we've covered some other areas, found some common ground etc.)
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Topics I generally go to: none. It flows pretty freely. That comes from feeling calm and listening and knowing that chit chat is where your conversation starts. It's the open credits like for a movie. Maybe it's a bit boring at times, but it tells you what kind of movie you are in to see, where it might go but leaving plenty of room for mystery and unexpected turns. You need to find joy in the process.
what about in the beginning, or have you always been a pretty good conversationalist? are there ever any go-to topics just in case the convo stalls or gets a little dry? or if you dont seeme to have much in common with the other person?
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Go out today and talk to strangers and listen for them to tell you what to talk about. Trust me, once you are trained to tune into that it will seem so easy and obvious. Look up "active listening", might help. Relax and just say whatever pops into your mind. If you are a cool, normal guy then it will be fine. Don't try to derail shit because you'd rather talk about birdwatching or video games, because it will seem unnatural and that you are trying too hard with are both true. Human beings have been talking to each other for hundreds of thousands of years. That's what we do. So do you, normally, so that means that there is something going on inside you head preventing you from acting normally.
did this today, it was kind of interesting seeing people's reactions when i was literally talking about the first thing that popped into my head. people didn't seem to mind following where the convo was headed even if it was in random directions.
Thanks again man, I appreciate it. I feel pretty lame because as I mentioned, I have most of the pieces of the puzzle in place, but soetimes my conversations are wack. i'm gonna continue to be aware of what goes on in my headd when first seeing someone, and how to change directions in conversations etc etc.
also, any tips on storytelling? I ordered, the art of storytelling by john walsh. if you have any other suggestions/advice please feel free. this is that one sticking point that is more like a pebble in a shoe more than anything. i feel like i do overcomplicate it, where I'm afraid to start with simple conversation because somewhere along the lines i learned it was bad or boring to do so. idk, i'm gonna keep working at it. I really just want to be an amazing storyteller and conversationalist. the rest of the stuff i already have in line.
cheers for sure bro