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PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2018 3:29 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 10:54 pm
Posts: 42
Location: NorCal
So my wife (3 years together 1 year married) has a boyfriend for the past few months, which is not actually the problem. She balances time decently and it doesn't seem to impair or impede the time I spend with her or what she and I do.

I've been really clear with a few rules about that. They must use protection, change the sheets before I get home, shower in between, and not have sex directly before seeing me. I can ask about any details I'd like but she doesn't volunteer info unless I ask or unless it were (hypothetically) safety type stuff which hasn't come up beyond just being responsible adults about it. I've needed some emotional support around it and she's been available and willing to provide it and makes a concerted effort to be there for me as I need. It's been a bit hard but is working IMO.

But... She has double standards and basically freaks out whenever I spend the night with someone even if I'm not having sex with them. Just sexy cuddles and heavy petting and making out. She's gotten really upset and insecure about even relatively tame overnight cuddles in the past.

I haven't had the opportunity to develop any of the connections I've had opportunities for into regular sexual relationships or a girlfriend because my partner being upset has created so many problems it's felt like it isn't worth it.
She kind of had a meltdown when I met a girl at a party and spent the night with her without having sex..

She asked for a DADT (don't ask don't tell) except for intercourse (safety reasons) but given how she's responded to things that fall short of me having sex, I can't imagine that going well at all.

She's the one who proposed opening up and being polyamorous. She identifies as being more monogamously inclined but wanted to try it out. Now she's considering breaking up with him or changing it to a nonsexual relationship because dating multiple people feels like more work than she wants to deal with and she's thinking about asking me to close things again.

I see a few options.

Just close things up, be exclusive and work things out that way going forward.

Insist on equality if not through words then through actions, which feels like it'll be harrowing like driving through a minefield. Wondering if that's worth it to push through and if the relationship can take the strain.
Technically I'm "allowed" to but it feels like it's going to explode our relationship if I do.

Re-evaluate the whole being together thing.
Not what I really want to be doing. I love my wife and we have an amazing compatibility and sex life outside of this. She's generally really awesome and I want to stay with her.

Alright then folks. Thoughts?

PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2018 7:32 am 
The Grand Puba
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Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:17 pm
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Location: Los Angeles
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