Not sure where to start so I'll just go in where I am now...
I'm in my early 40s, have failed pretty tragically at meeting women, had about 2 girlfriends, for just under 2 months, and 9 months. Had sex with about 5 people. Would go some years without even kissing a girl. Went 'out on the pull' as a late teenager to around mid 30s, but came to nothing. Done internet dating, lost count of internet one date wonders, but must be around 80-90 now - about 90% of those dates ended with nothing, no kiss, no 2nd date.
I feel I am good looking but have a different look to most people being mixed race of white and asian background, I am not shy around women and have good confidence and a good talker and am humourous. Some people say I am weird to varying degrees, but I'm no scary freak, and am emotionally pretty stable. (I've tolerated my failed history for so long when I feel others in my position would have gone mad, I dunno)
But here I am now. Right this second I am feeling worn out and run down, spirit is at a broken state. Last few months and over the last few days Tinder has killed me. What matches I now do get just do not talk back to me for some reason or just unmatch me (never had this problem until around the end of Summer last year). This is pretty much 90% of matches.
It's put me into a mental place where I feel once again inadequately attractive for what/whom I want and I'm now in another of my 'Unworthy phases' not just for Tinder but girls in general. I feel that the Tinder girls aren't talking to me as they consider me too unattractive for them, and this opens up my biggest problem that I've always struggled with with women, that I'm not good looking enough, period.
I say that to hit back at this despairing low I'm in now at the beginning of a new year, well duh just get into shape, lose some fat off my face (which I've always thought was rather too fat), get a ripped chiselled look, get a tan, grow stubble (can't grow much though) improve my looks, but most of all get some of that big C word - confidence. Be more forward, dominant, louder voice, larger than life, big humour, talk more flirty in a way that gets girls into bed etc.
But that's the big obstacle to get round, to get genuine confidence, I really have to believe in myself, or at least believe that I'm good looking enough for women. I can't stand there faking or acting confidence with a girl as in a few minutes my legs will quiver as I'll feel that I'm not good looking enough for this girl.
So I have that struggle with my looks at the moment. Personally I think I'm a good looking dude - but my opinion on me don't mean jack shit when the only opinion that matters in this case, is that of women - do they think I'm good looking enough for them. I know looks aren't SO important and the line of "It's what's inside that counts, and be confident" can compensate for looks and even make you physically appear better looking to a person, but it's a bit Catch 22 - in order to increase my chances with a girl, that I don't think I'm good looking enough for, by being confident, I first have to feel I AM good looking enough for her so I CAN be confident.
Plus feeling confident doesn't really matter when you can't even get past the obstacle of getting a reply from a Tinder Match (yes I'm confident in my pictures).
But yeah right where I am today, I'm suffering from the recent Tinder experience of all these girls unresponding or unmatching me, while a friend of mine on Tinder is having a date with a very sexy girl from there tonight, a girl that I feel I couldn't land a date with. (Maybe he IS better looking than me in girl's eyes or maybe it's his forward charm, don't know)
But yeah right now I'm feeling like I've lost my fight. Maybe the truth is out that I'm not that good looking - based on Tinder, previous dating site results, talking to girls in real life, and the non results of nearly 100% of the dates that I've had.
At the age I'm at now, I'm feeling pretty washed up, that time has run out, that my life long battle NOT to be alone has failed, and right now today the despair that I really am not good enough for what I need is hitting again. So that makes the anguish of my failure to weigh even heavier.
Why am I here with this downbeat introduction? Well I gotta go to somewhere and some people for answers and solutions. Need to know what can be done about all this and to get on top of what I want and to be out there dating and shagging loads of girls of varying attractivity levels (not Supermodels but I dunno 7s or 8s) and finally kicking the age old problem of why I can't get a girlfriend, a partner, a wife to grow old with etc.
At this basically middle age I'm at now I still want to be with 20 year olds and upwards. I know there are still girls that accept my age range. So it's not too late. But I am running out of time and with nothing that I've done so far seeming to work, I'm not sure what else I can do. Once again, I think I'm good looking, confident, humourous and I put the effort in so what the fuck why hasn't anything happened?
Sometime I feel like God has put a tiny object in me the size of a pinprick that somehow makes girls distance from me, as I don't feel I'm that bad a person or have anything very wrong with me.
But man, when I've tried my hardest before in the past and feel I'm at a good level in terms of what I have to offer, I'm just dumbfounded and confused why things haven't worked out for me, it's a complete fucking mystery and feel sometimes it's a bad dream, I can't believe how much bad and NOTHING I've had, it's just maddenning.
So I don't really know what to do here. Is there more I should do that I haven't done before, or carry on doing what I've done but finally get the key to doing it in a different way that does finally work, or make alterations to what I do?
I would love to go out to bars and talk to ladies again, but at my age, no friends are around to do this with me, I don't know if people on this site all get together to do this, it would be great if they did. Some time this year when I get back to a more normal happier state of mind I want to do something like this.
Right now though I just want to get all this off my chest, and see if any people here can help me find a solution to my problems that I'm having right now and I can finally start to get results with the girls I'm going after.