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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:13 pm 
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Hi guys.

I'm so annoyed right now. Here's the story:

My best mate was abroad for 3 months working. When I heard he was coming back we arranged a night out for his return. The plan was heading to a few bars and maybe on to a club. So it was me, my best mate, and two other good friends. This night was planned 2 weeks ago. I let my gf know about this in advance that I was going out with the guys for his returning night out. I should point out that my gf and best friend do not get on - I don't know why but it's just awkward between them.

So a few hours before I'm heading out I call my gf and she says she is goin out for food with her friends. I thought his would be good as she had something to do.

So at the last bar before the club I see my gf's friend walk in. I didn't see my gf at first. I was with the boys chatting and my gf and friend were in the middle of the bar trying to get drinks. I didn't want to go into the crush and try to speak as it was so busy and very noisy.
After they got their drinks she came over and I spoke for 5 mins and everything was fine. She was in good spirits. I did remin her that I was on a boys night out. None of us were drunk. So me and the boys decide to head off to the club. I turn around and my gf is gone. So I wait for 2 mins and look around to see if she is still here and she is nowhere to be seen. So I leave to go to the club.

I pull out my phone when I get to the club, which is about 10 mins walk to where she is. I was going to text her and say that I looked for her but now I had left for the club. Just as I start texting she calls and is going off her head at me for leaving without saying bye. She had gone to toilet when I left. She demands me to leave my friends and walk balk and say bye. Obviously this is not feasible. So I tell her we will speak tomorrow.

I then went into the club with the boys. 10 mins later my gf storms in and drags me away mid conversation to 'discuss how rude I was.'

She starts causing a huge scene in front of my friends and telling me what I can and can't do. Please note that I haven't seen my friend in 3 months and this was our big night out which was arranged for 2 weeks.

My gf friend had gone home since she did not want all this commotion. So now I have my gf who is very angry on her own. My friends who are waiting for me to return.

I can't let my gf home on her own in a taxi so I leave my mates and go home. Ruins my night and their night.

I am now freezing her out. Should I be doing this? Did she mess up? She has called 8 times in 3 hours and I haven't replied. I was so close I dumping her on the spot. This is not he first time she has ruined nights out by fighting over nothing.

How long should I hold out and am I doing the right thing?

Cliffs:
*arrnage night out with friend who has been set for 3 months
*gf crashes our night and starts a fight in front of everyone
*have no option but I take her home in taxi
*left my mates who I haven't seen in 3 months.
*disrespected my friends by leaving
*freezing out my gf


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:14 pm 
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damn...I'd be surprised if a freeze out would work after all she has done this in the past and nothing has changed. Have you ever told her your ground rules. She seems to lack social intuition and asking you to leave your friends and walk back just to say goodbye is a big red flag in my book.

If she's even comfortable going there then you probably did something wrong in the past. It's no wonder your friend doesnt like her.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:16 pm 
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buy her a vibrator or fake penis... package it on a box or paper and when she unwraps it and asks why you bought this for her... just so she can enjoy herself while you can go out with your buddies.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:21 pm 
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Fuck all this shit. take control!


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:25 pm 
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buy her a vibrator or fake penis... package it on a box or paper and when she unwraps it and asks why you bought this for her... just so she can enjoy herself while you can go out with your buddies.
lol


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:27 pm 
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Quote:
damn...I'd be surprised if a freeze out would work after all she has done this in the past and nothing has changed. Have you ever told her your ground rules. She seems to lack social intuition and asking you to leave your friends and walk back just to say goodbye is a big red flag in my book.

If she's even comfortable going there then you probably did something wrong in the past. It's no wonder your friend doesnt like her.
Yeah bro.

MY BIG MISTAKE is that I kinda didn't do anything the first time she caused a big scene. I was inexperienced and didn't do what I should have.

I'm aware of that. But it's in the past. I'm looking to the future and how to handle this situation.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 9:49 pm 
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Quote:
Quote:
damn...I'd be surprised if a freeze out would work after all she has done this in the past and nothing has changed. Have you ever told her your ground rules. She seems to lack social intuition and asking you to leave your friends and walk back just to say goodbye is a big red flag in my book.

If she's even comfortable going there then you probably did something wrong in the past. It's no wonder your friend doesnt like her.
Yeah bro.

MY BIG MISTAKE is that I kinda didn't do anything the first time she caused a big scene. I was inexperienced and didn't do what I should have.

I'm aware of that. But it's in the past. I'm looking to the future and how to handle this situation.
I see. Then go with it and think of this as a learning experience. There's a good chance you will eventually dump her but you can at least learn in the mean time. Even in the bedroom, go wild and do whatever you want, dominate her. Have the mentality that the relationship won't last either way so you are free on doing anything and trying new things. You will learn from it.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 4:58 am 
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Dude a couple of questions:

- Current relationship length
- Age of GF
- General character of GF

These are critical points to see how rooted the problems are. I had issues with my last LTR GF (lasted 4 1/2 years)... and at the beginning I was a real asshole about determined things (not my style but SHE made it come out)... So I'd say things like: "When I'm late, you just WAIT for me! End of story." And other hardball shit, regarding going out, etc.

This is obviously NOT the best tactic long term.... But as an initial frame it is good, because usually a chick will respect that authority. Then with calmer waters, at another point in time you can girl talk with her and try to get her to understand why things are wrong.

But you gotta set ground rules fast because if not, you're gonna be "in a world of shit" later on down the road.

(and mind you my ex-GF was a clinical psychologist)

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 6:18 am 
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if of dumped her on the spot, she'd of soon switched her attitude.

My best mate on a separate night out to me but we ended up in the same place, in there was another mates mother, my best mate and her ended up talking for about twenty minutes during which time my now ex gf was just stood staring at them.

When we were leaving she marches up to my mates mother and goes 'you do know he has a gf dont you!!!!!', me and my mate just looked at each other, i got her outside where she was still screaming at me that they were going to kiss, i just said 'listen, i told you it was our mates mum and you've ignored me and in the process made me look a total dickhead infront of people i've grown up with, i dont see how we can work if you dont listen to me' and started to walk away

She followed me in tears, apologising like mad, even took his number so she could ring him the next day and say sorry.

Moral of the story is, if she's doing that to you just dump her on the spot, her attitude will change rather quickly


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 12:34 pm 
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i agree with hobbit to some extent.

the fact that she tracked you down and made such a commotion is not cool.

but it also means one thing: she is into you.

i think we all agree that we want a girlfriend that is "into" us.

so be thankful about that.

too much emotion is better than none at all from her.

so with that perspective in mind, take control of the situation.

i don't think i would freeze her out.

it's not as if she cheated on you, or stole from you, or talked bad about you behind your back.

there was no treachery on her part that needs to be "punished".

she just made a scene.

i would end the freezeout.

try to spend some quality time with her.

as hobbit said, discuss, discuss, discuss, calmly, with low voices, lots of kino, come to a resolution, and never bring it up again.

then bed her real good.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 12:35 pm 
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i also agree with lode.

definitely buy her a sex toy!

all my GFs have had about ten of them from me.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 3:41 pm 
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What would I do? Well, I'd have a talk with her. And not a scolding talk, like she is a 2 year old. I would treat her like a grown up. If she continues to act like a 2 year old after I've been acting and also talking to her like a grown up, then I'd know she is actually a 2 year old and find a new GF. Unless 2 year olds are your thing. I know some guys who seem to enjoy fighting and drama in their relationships. What I've also noticed is those guys are as screwed up emotionally as their 2 year old GFs. But that's another topic all together. Let's get back to you:

So how does talking to her like a grown up work? Well, you ask why she was so upset. She's going to be angry, just expect it and try to not get angry back (making things blow up). After hearing how she perceived the events and what caused her to get so upset, explain to her your side. Hopefully she listens. If she doesn't, remind her you listened to her perspective. Keep explaining, discuss where the communication went awry, and how we can prevent this from happening again.
I basically advised along those same lines.

However, so as not to ruin the OPs night out, and therefore get him angry at her in the process, sometimes the alpha logic of just setting clear boundaries and not allowing any bullshit from GFs works wonders to remedy the situation at hand - sort of like saving a soldiers life on the battlefield: it wont be pretty or the best long-term solution, but it solves the current problem to allow life to go on without, as had happened, fucking up the OP's night (even when he did all the right things, letting her know in advance, trying to contact her on leaving the bar, etc).

What you suggest Hobbit (with all due respect) is, as you say, intended for a more mature mind. That is why I asked what ages they are. Maybe she's not mature enough, and still needs some relationship molding, or maybe she is used to explosive emotional relationships, and when that's the case, you need strict control to handle the initial the GF's urges to act like she did in her previous relationship.

After the initial containment, with a little water under the bridge I always found it easier to speak the more rational thoughts and TRY to get a woman to logic with me (but fuck that's a whole other ballgame there isn't it).

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 4:58 pm 
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Don't take my "judgement" as criticizing the other posters. Generally in this section, half of my advice is ignore that other advice. It's nothing personal and I don't even pay attention to who writes what. With that being said, I'll comment on a couple things I think is pertinent to his situation:
Quote:
sometimes the alpha logic of just setting clear boundaries and not allowing any bullshit from GFs works wonders to remedy the situation at hand
Winning the battle isn't the same as winning the war.
Quote:
TRY to get a woman to logic with me (but fuck that's a whole other ballgame there isn't it).
I wasn't clear in my post. I didn't mean to sit her down and have a philosophy discussion based on the situation. I want the OP to talk about his feelings, her feelings, and whoever else who has feelings in the situation.
Quote:
Maybe she's not mature enough, and still needs some relationship molding
Having the above discussions are relationship molding.

And I'd like to go on record that I'm far more than surprised that Mack agreed with me, even if it was partially. Maybe his solitude did help him out. . . now I'm getting excited :)
Hahaha ok ok no prob, this is my first time in this section anyway.... I didn't take it personally but I guess I wanted to point out that my: "ground rules" = "relationship molding" (stage one), and winning the battle (immediate crisis) did not mean avoiding the war (I like to discuss things a bit further down the road)... But after reading about that scene IMO the OP definitely would benefit from a strong frame going into those "molding" discussions... :wink:

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:38 pm 
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Hahaha ok ok no prob, this is my first time in this section anyway.... I didn't take it personally but I guess I wanted to point out that my: "ground rules" = "relationship molding" (stage one), and winning the battle (immediate crisis) did not mean avoiding the war (I like to discuss things a bit further down the road)... But after reading about that scene IMO the OP definitely would benefit from a strong frame going into those "molding" discussions... :wink:
i thought your advice was spot on as well.

i also knew where your questions were coming from.

context.

age, personality, history...those are all important for any of us to understand WHY any girl does any thing.

if she is 18, is certainly means something different than if she were 38.

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:05 pm 
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if she is 18, is certainly means something different than if she were 38.
and in her mind it's completely normal behaviour (for a 38 year old) person, most people can't see their own shit.

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