EX partner help please - dont bother or try again?


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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 11:08 pm 
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I'm 36, shes 27. She has a child from previous relationship (not an issue for me).

Together approximately 4 years, fucked all night the first night we met within 4 hours, never lived together but agreed to at some point. Awesome. Best girl yet. Little to no fighting. Great fun. Great sex. Great chemistry.

Approx 1 year ago she moves 40 miles away to her Uni campus for her final year as mature student to make things easier for hersef, not an issue. We see each other on weekends, the distance is not a problem.

Approx 9-10 weeks ago she messages me, we are over as i'm not committed. Won't elaborate, she suggest NC for a month and wont budge.I say fine and go straight into party mode. From weeks 2-5 of her self imposed NC she starts messaging me saying shes made a mistake she wants me back etc but as she cannot expand on what she means i cannot take her back as i cannot trust her to not do this again.

Week 5 we exchange items for closure but end up spending day together. We have a lot of fun but she won't be sexual with me.A few days later she comes round and makes me breakfast in bed again its fun, light kino, she wont let me do anything sexual though. She says shes not sure what she wants, she forgot how good we are together etc.

She then explains why we broke up. She wants my child and for us to be a family. For the first 3 years i said no to kids but in the last 12 months i softened without saying so as she said (for the last 12 months) she no longer wanted another kid. She now admits said she said this to not scare me away.

Last week was our '4 year anniversary' she msg'd me and things escalated into an argument quickly. She says im still her favourite person in the world but if we try and get back together now it would just seem forced. I said i'm sorry you feel that way because we have never been like that but if you don't think its worth trying again then i am going to have cut all contact i cannot be your friend so i wish her all the best and have now blocked her.

She then came round my house last night and said she wants to try again but in the period of me rejecting her request for us to get back together she slept with 1 other guy 1 time and thats made her feel guilty about getting back with me. She said she felt the need to tell me face to face. I said dont worry, i have done the same, we are both single.

She said she wants to try again when she finishes her last uni assigments next week. She said we cannot pretend nothing has happened as we have been apart 10 weeks and done our own thing but she really wants to try and wants us to get out, just the 2 of us and party as if we just started again.

I DO want to try again but confused as to how to act if we go out next weekend as planned. She let me close mouth kiss her, hold her, squeeze her ass last night however thats bout it, she is definitely holding back with sexual contact. She says this is down to the stress of the final uni workload which i understand. I remember it myself. Once this is out the way next weekend do i just try and plow ahead again or is this situation just too messed from miscommunication on both sides to try?


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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 11:14 pm 
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Why would you be with a woman who wants kids and you dont? This is very simple


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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 11:18 pm 
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So you're telling us here, that this woman had sex with another guy in the time that you've been split up but won't have sex with you now and has been involved with you for years? Doesn't that sound a little suspicious?


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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 11:50 pm 
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neo87 wrote:
Why would you be with a woman who wants kids and you dont? This is very simple


For the first 3 years I didn't want a kid but for the last 12 months I was open to the idea but as she said she didn't want a kid anymore I left it. She said she only said she didn't want kids anymore as she felt she was pressuring me when in the end we both wanted to have a kid with each other. Very poor communication.


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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 11:57 pm 
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JackZero wrote:
So you're telling us here, that this woman had sex with another guy in the time that you've been split up but won't have sex with you now and has been involved with you for years? Doesn't that sound a little suspicious?



Yes agreed. She said she met this guy through her friends in her new area who I've never met. This group of females have told her to ditch me etc as I'm no good to her long term. They then hooked her up with their male friend who my ex says is no good and reinforced her regret over splitting with me. She says she only told me this as she feels I deserve the right to know before I agree to try again with her. Wipe the slate clean so to speak due to past miscommunication.

My ex is saying she won't consider moving things on until her university is finished in 10 days and then we can go out and start again proper


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 12:02 am 
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ninjabib wrote:
JackZero wrote:
So you're telling us here, that this woman had sex with another guy in the time that you've been split up but won't have sex with you now and has been involved with you for years? Doesn't that sound a little suspicious?



Yes agreed. She said she met this guy through her friends in her new area who I've never met. This group of females have told her to ditch me etc as I'm no good to her long term. They then hooked her up with their male friend who my ex says is no good and reinforced her regret over splitting with me. She says she only told me this as she feels I deserve the right to know before I agree to try again with her. Wipe the slate clean so to speak due to past miscommunication.

My ex is saying she won't consider moving things on until her university is finished in 10 days and then we can go out and start again proper
My point is this. A woman that has had sex with you and says that she wants to work things out with you WILL have sex with you. When they don't have sex with you, it's because you have nothing to offer them physically or emotionally. I would have even given her a slight pass about wanting to work things out with you if she didn't have sex with another man.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 12:05 am 
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The kid should be an issue for you. There are absolutely zero women with children that are not looking at men based largely on the financial impact that man can have on her family.

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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 12:07 am 
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DJ_Z wrote:
The kid should be an issue for you. There are absolutely zero women with children that are not looking at men based largely on the financial impact that man can have on her family.
That's the point I was hoping to lead the OP to.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 12:08 am 
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Thanks Jack.

So if you were me you would now reject her offer of drinks next weekend? Or would you go along and try to escalate again?

I cannot lie I saw me and this girl living together all our lives. I've rejected her marriage proposals but made it clear I love her. She said marriage was not the deal breaker but having our own child was which was crossed wires was and now she knows I'm open to it she wants to try.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 12:10 am 
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Regarding the kid the father pays and is around. My ex is financially stable to say the least. In 4 years I've never been asked for a penny


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 12:22 am 
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ninjabib wrote:
Thanks Jack.

So if you were me you would now reject her offer of drinks next weekend? Or would you go along and try to escalate again?

I cannot lie I saw me and this girl living together all our lives. I've rejected her marriage proposals but made it clear I love her. She said marriage was not the deal breaker but having our own child was which was crossed wires was and now she knows I'm open to it she wants to try.
Personally, I'm a cut and dry person. She dropped you without warning when her lifestyle was close to changing being that it was her last year of school. She's blamed the reasoning for having sex with another guy on everything but her making that choice. Now that she's made the decision to break up with you, test the waters and didn't like it, she wants to come back. What happens 4 years from now when she's having those same thoughts? So if I were in your place, there is no way I'd take her back.

I still agree with DJ on the lifestyle piece. If she's not wanting to have sex with you but wants to explore being with you, there's something else motivating her into wanting to be with you.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 12:33 am 
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Thanks I appreciate your input. I guess I just tried to have sex with her so that I wouldn't 'friendzone' myself by not making a move on her if that makes sense.

Logically may not have been the best move to make after she confessed to sleeping with someone while single.

What a mess all over poor communication.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 12:48 am 
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ninjabib wrote:
Thanks I appreciate your input. I guess I just tried to have sex with her so that I wouldn't 'friendzone' myself by not making a move on her if that makes sense.

Logically may not have been the best move to make after she confessed to sleeping with someone while single.

What a mess all over poor communication.
This didn't happen because of poor communication.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 12:53 am 
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I see OP more at fault here....these are just my thoughts. 4 years, 27 year old chick, and a child. Now I dont think she's looking for financial support from you due to the child, if that was the case, she wont have ended it. She couldve fucked new guy miles away, come back and taken your money. I would imagine, from her point of view, she's been with you 4 years and you are not leading it anywhere. Wtf is "open" to having children...at 36? Thats fine if you're 36 and single, not 36 and 4 years deep with a chick at 27. Espec, with a child already there. "Plans of moving in", "open to kids"....thats not security for a chick at her age, with a child and 4 years in. Her best years are gone, going and she prob doesnt want to be a single mother/gf at 30. Now, that doesnt mean she's using you...its a security thing. And 4 years already gone. You could move in or not. You could want kids or decide not to. You could want marriage or decide to continue dating. So I could see how a chick can just leave that situation when you're not leading the relationship anywhere. Yeah, she fucked a guy, prob planned to fuck this guy, I could kinda get it if youve given her 4 years of "dating" with no serious idea where things are going. I read it as, she prob doesnt want to fuck because she'll get drawn back into a relationship that's not going anywhere where you 2 dont sound like you're on the same page. She prob fucked this guy, he didnt take her seriously and she realized you were the option remaining. You 2 should prob not be together, but you didnt give this girl much security when it comes to where things are heading to. She may not want your financial support, but you gave her 4 years and no security. Right or wrong, she has an idea of where she wants things to go, and if you're still figuring it out after 4 years, and have maybes and open to's, let her find someone on the same page.


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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 1:03 am 
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neo87 wrote:
I see OP more at fault here....these are just my thoughts. 4 years, 27 year old chick, and a child. Now I dont think she's looking for financial support from you due to the child, if that was the case, she wont have ended it. She couldve fucked new guy miles away, come back and taken your money. I would imagine, from her point of view, she's been with you 4 years and you are not leading it anywhere. Wtf is "open" to having children...at 36? Thats fine if you're 36 and single, not 36 and 4 years deep with a chick at 27. Espec, with a child already there. "Plans of moving in", "open to kids"....thats not security for a chick at her age, with a child and 4 years in. Her best years are gone, going and she prob doesnt want to be a single mother/gf at 30. Now, that doesnt mean she's using you...its a security thing. And 4 years already gone. You could move in or not. You could want kids or decide not to. You could want marriage or decide to continue dating. So I could see how a chick can just leave that situation when you're not leading the relationship anywhere. Yeah, she fucked a guy, prob planned to fuck this guy, I could kinda get it if youve given her 4 years of "dating" with no serious idea where things are going. I read it as, she prob doesnt want to fuck because she'll get drawn back into a relationship that's not going anywhere where you 2 dont sound like you're on the same page. She prob fucked this guy, he didnt take her seriously and she realized you were the option remaining. You 2 should prob not be together, but you didnt give this girl much security when it comes to where things are heading to. She may not want your financial support, but you gave her 4 years and no security.
Here's why I wouldn't count out financial. She's finishing school and the timing on a breakup is odd. She's 27 years old with a kid and moving up in her tax bracket soon. 27 is relatively young and makes her a prime target for educated men in the OP's age group but the kid takes away from that. Her walking out is more likely a "what else is out there" type of thing and any guy she looks at now has to be able to provide what she will be able to provide.


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