J.Daniels Transformation


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 Post subject: J.Daniels Transformation
PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 5:17 pm 
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Just having a crap time at the moment, so I want to let off some steam to see if it helps. Low on confidence/self esteem for understandable reasons which I'll list below. Was wondering if I could get some good advice?

So yea, basically...

For a couple of years now, I've been fairly "good with women" once they show interest in me, but I'm new to this whole PUA stuff. I'd usually only "game" girls that had pretty much told me they want me. That, or I'd use Facebook as a pussy way to do things.

I don't want to make myself sound completely clueless, because I genuinely am good at the relationship side of things, even the dating stage... it's just the initial approach, and my confidence...

Here's a couple of embarrassing facts about me:
1. I have no job (and literally can't find one, I apply every single day and it's annoying me now)
2. I don't have as many friends as I once had... I have like one close friend.
3. I'm the biggest introvert you've ever heard of
4. Approach anxiety is an understatement in my case.
5. I'm suppressing oneitis with my ex as bad as I can.



Goals:

1. Get a job, one that I actually like to do - I'm open to any money making tips in the meantime, but I doubt there are any?

2. Re-build a social circle - I'm completely clueless on this. How am I supposed to do this when I've got hardly any money, no job, one close friend, no girlfriend, and clubbing really isn't my thing!? This is the one I probably want to work on the most.

3. Crush this oneitis - can never have too many tips on this, but I think I know the majority of it, it's just about time from here.

4. Build some confidence - I don't want to feel weird randomly approaching women. I know how to do it, I've done it drunk, I've (hardly ever) done it sober... but I stop myself doing it almost every time I leave the house.

5. Focus more on the positives of my life




What I've done so far to try and sort these things out:

1. No Contact with ex girlfriend (I broke it for 2 months, realised it was pathetic, and went back into no contact, which I will be sticking at)

2. Joined a gym (slacking a little at the moment, because its quite far away and the guy I go with is becoming lazy, but I'm working out other ways to get there and considering a new gym) - seeing results slowly but surely

3. Quit smoking - just something small to be proud of... thats how boring my life is, that's quite a big thing to me lol.

4. Dating another girl - trying to keep this at a FWB level, but shes falling.

5. Reading. The 2 books I'm reading at the moment are: Corey Wayne, Understanding Women (I don't feel that I NEED help with understanding women, but it does help to learn more...) and Dr Rob Yeung: Confidence



I spend most of my days sitting in the house, looking for jobs, writing articles, trying to fight away oneitis thoughts... life isn't great at the moment. I want to rebuild a social circle, gain some friends and actually be proud of myself. But where do I even start? I don't want it to be a case of "Ohhh I need a job before I can go out and meet people" - there must be SOMETHING I can do? I'm trying to think what I'd tell other people in my situation to do, what advice I'd give them, but nothing is coming.

I think negative thoughts are getting the better of me. Slippery slope, if I don't act fast.

Thanks in advance...

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 5:53 pm 
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Making a BIG life change is scary, but you know what's scarier? Regret!

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 6:15 pm 
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The more you "fight" thoughts the more influence they'll have over you.

Accept you're having those thoughts but don't buy into them. You can do this by practicing meditation for even just a few minutes a day, and just building an awareness of the thoughts so you can bring yourself out of them and simply observe them as they pass by.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 6:28 pm 
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I keep trying to tell myself things like "It's just my mind/pain playing tricks on me. I was close to ending that relationship anyway, I just want what I can't have. I was never this obsessed when I was with her. So why now!? It's all fake" and distract myself

I just want more of a social life though. I can accept that the root of my problems is money, but surely there's something in the meantime that'll help me make some new friends, take my mind off things, and just make me feel good about myself?

One thing that I've always lacked is long-term passion, for anything other than a girl (I know how bad that is lol) - The only things I feel passionately about are the want to settle down in a happy family, have some kids, you know how it is. Call me beta, but the only thing that really gets me going, is feeling like I'm in love. Everything else that takes my interest, lasts for 1-2 years at the most, and its always something small (literally anything, it can be as small as video games...)

I'm trying to find something that I'm passionate about, but everything is sort of "Could take it or leave it" (for example learning a foreign language or learning how to play an instrument, plus those things would either cost money or mean sitting at home on my own, again.

I just basically want to make some new friends and get a life again, but I have no idea where to even start?

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 6:37 pm 
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PS: Thanks for the replies. I've never really tried meditation, so it might take some getting used to

I like that thing about regret... that ones got me thinking. I'm determined to do this, I just can't for the life of me figure out where to start, or how to go about it. (Apart from the obvious, which is getting a job first; easier said than done around here)

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 6:44 pm 
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J.Daniels wrote:
1. Get a job, one that I actually like to do - I'm open to any money making tips in the meantime, but I doubt there are any?

2. Re-build a social circle - I'm completely clueless on this. How am I supposed to do this when I've got hardly any money, no job, one close friend, no girlfriend, and clubbing really isn't my thing!? This is the one I probably want to work on the most.

3. Crush this oneitis - can never have too many tips on this, but I think I know the majority of it, it's just about time from here.

4. Build some confidence - I don't want to feel weird randomly approaching women. I know how to do it, I've done it drunk, I've (hardly ever) done it sober... but I stop myself doing it almost every time I leave the house.

5. Focus more on the positives of my life



Dude, good for you. These are the types of posts that are actually cool to see on here - (instead of the "how do I steal this girl from her boyfriend" gems)... You're someone who realizes they need to make some changes and are really trying.

1. I do not think you need a job to be successful with women - though it does help... You can spin your story to make it sound more adventurous... like "my last job just wasn't for me. I'm young and wanted to travel a bit, and now I'm taking some time to figure out what I want to do".... so *SOMETHING* along those lines... You don't have to tell people you're out of work.

2. Rebuilding a social circle is tough - particularly when you aren't working... Work is a good place to meet people and grab a beer, etc. Of the friends you have, do they ever go out? Be sure to tag along, and be social when you do. Meet as many new people as you can through your existing friends. Do you have siblings? Can you go out with them and meet their friends?

3. Best way to crush oneitis is to fuck other women. Condition your brain to realize the truth: it was one girl and you have options out there. A lot of good options. Great girls who will make you happy... and you know what? They also fuck just as well or better than the oneitis. That isn't even meant to sound inspirational, but it does... it's actually the truth.

4. I truly believe you need to address your confidence before you're going to be able to get over your AA. You need to literally believe in yourself as an asset and a catch for women... it doesn't sound like that's currently the case - as you're depressed about 1, 2 and 3, above... Before you can get over your AA, you need to focus on yourself.

5. Needs no explanation or re-enforcement. Yes you need to do this.


Good luck, dude.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:03 pm 
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Quote:
2. Joined a gym (slacking a little at the moment, because its quite far away and the guy I go with is becoming lazy, but I'm working out other ways to get there and considering a new gym) - seeing results slowly but surely


Join one closer.

This is an excellent confidence booster, the better you look, the better you feel, and it's a great way to network for a job, and a brand shiny new social circle.

Lots of business types work out in the evening, trying to loose that spare tire, develop mini friendships and listen.

Lots of guys your age are trying to get in shape as well, perfect to ask questions, and extend your circle.

Not the best place for sarging, but fuck it, you just never know. Just being friendly with everyone including staff, will go a long way.

You could be doing it right now, instead of clicking back and forth from porn to forums.

Now go wash your hands, and get the fuck out there.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:12 pm 
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Thanks, man. I expected to get slated for being a whiney bitch or something, or not being "alpha" enough... but these are some great replies.

I could go out partying on a weekend with a friend... but its really not my kind of thing. I don't dance, so I'd be the awkward guy left at the bar alone lol. I'm more into bars/pubs than clubs, to be honest. I could probably arrange something with some friends I lost touch with, on Facebook or something. It's just the money side of it, but I could probably arrange something like once a week if I keep it cheap. Plus I see the FWB that I mentioned on weekends, but shes getting head over heels (I've told her the situation, she wont listen) so I feel like I should call it off?

I have a brother but he's 18 and I'm 25... I feel like I'd be a bit of a babysitter.

It's weird cause I was quite a popular guy, I pretty much forced my life to go this way, so I accept 100% of the blame incase anybody thinks I'm being "that guy who makes excuses and blames everyone but himself" - I know it's my fault, and I know I'm sat here coming up with excuses now... but I'm working on it lol.

I keep telling myself that if I'm going to beat myself up for minor negatives (for example not hearing back after a job interview) then I should also praise myself up for minor positives (quitting smoking, getting over my pussyish rollercoaster phobia and actually falling in love with rollercoasters lol)

I was thinking maybe voluntary work, or joining some free clubs... but can you really imagine me being able to meet any interesting people in their 20s at any of those? Not to be judgemental or ignorant, it's just the impression I get.

Also, to the guy who just replied: "You could be doing it right now, instead of clicking back and forth from porn to forums.

Now go wash your hands, and get the fuck out there." - Legendary, lol. Made my day.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:19 pm 
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Volunteer work is a great idea... It's something to put on your resume to - in addition to being a place to meet new people and maybe expand your social circle.

Joining a softball team isn't bad either (or another sport) - but you might need some $ for that.

Not hearing back from a job interview is pretty trivial. A lot of places never get back to people they interview if they don't get the job. Try to think of it this way: It's not personal - and it would have happened to every other unsuccessful applicant.

If you don't want a relationship with that girl and she does... and she knows this, then yeah, you should probably lay it out for her... I doubt you can properly game while she's in the picture anyway.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:33 pm 
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CharlesFinley wrote:
Volunteer work is a great idea... It's something to put on your resume to - in addition to being a place to meet new people and maybe expand your social circle.

Joining a softball team isn't bad either (or another sport) - but you might need some $ for that.

Not hearing back from a job interview is pretty trivial. A lot of places never get back to people they interview if they don't get the job. Try to think of it this way: It's not personal - and it would have happened to every other unsuccessful applicant.

If you don't want a relationship with that girl and she does... and she knows this, then yeah, you should probably lay it out for her... I doubt you can properly game while she's in the picture anyway.


This is actually a great idea. Giving back is an excellent way to get out of your head and help another in need. Actually its a terrific way to cultivate your spiritual side (we all have one). It's to no surprise why humans are at their best when helping others who have a need that we can help them meet. The social aspect too, and other opportunities it can present are also good incentives.

You might want to checkout meetup.com and find some things you'd be interested in learning, and it's a good way to meet new people to expand your social circle and work on your social skills.

Good joining a gym and making use of it. Getting into shape works wonders on the psyche. Also, a good way to meet new people - I meet the most people in my gym, funny enough.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 8:18 pm 
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That Meet-Up site doesn't work, I don't know if the domain changed or something? I am seeing a lot here that I like though. Looking up voluntary work at the moment.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 8:23 pm 
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J.Daniels wrote:
That Meet-Up site doesn't work, I don't know if the domain changed or something? I am seeing a lot here that I like though. Looking up voluntary work at the moment.

http://www.meetup.com


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 8:32 pm 
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Ah, thanks. Not sure why I was putting meet-up.com...

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 8:56 pm 
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Here's a gem of a tip: take up drawing.

1. Pencil and paper are cheap.
2. Everyone respects a guy who can draw a picture.
3. It is a good use of time and gives you something to use your time well and see progress.
4. It is an ULTRA high value thing to be seen doing
5. You lost your job so now you are focusing on your art while you look. ;)
6. 10000 other reasons...


Thank me later.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2014 12:23 am 
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I do like drawing, always have. I'd rather make something up in my head than actually sit and copy something, though. (For example I'd much rather draw some random graffiti style clown face and write J.Daniels under it in a graffiti style... than draw a vase of flowers infront of me. Copying something bores the life out of me (and I can't do it, at all)

Only problem with that though, for me.. would it not make me feel even more lonely? I mean, sitting on my own, drawing, probably in my room to do it 9 times out of 10.

I do agree with everything you say about it, it's just the fact that it'd probably be another thing I'd just be doing from home. I really want to get out more. I want more friends, more of a life... like I used to have.

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