My Journey to Becoming the Icy Zen Master


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 06, 2014 8:40 am 
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I went bowling and to the state fair with OFC the other day. I won her two stuffed animals like a fucking G. It was very romantic. I've managed to put together some picturesque dates with OFC.

Unfortunately, I started picking up on red flags with OFC. I didn't like that she smoked, and it was kinda nasty tasting that shit when I would makeout with her. I didn't like the crew she rolled with. They all seemed like nice people, but they were pretty ghetto. You can tell a lot about a person by who they surround themselves with. I also had a suspicion that OFC was a single mom and that fact became confirmed for me. Her persona started to come together.

As I said, I ended up driving out to the west side to bowl with her. She could tell I wasn't feeling it. Chicks are damn good at picking up on this kind of stuff. I just told her I was tired and put myself in a more cheerful mood. We ended up going back to her place, and we wound up in her bedroom. All signs pointed towards her wanting me to hit it. I escalated appropriately and she told me that she wanted me to lay with her for awhile. At this point, I figured I was maybe even being too much of a pussy by not escalating enough. So I ramped up the escalation on the bed and busted out some mad finger game. She ended up orgasming twice and I started to take off my jacket. As soon as I did that, she pulled back and said she had to pick up her sister. Mhm. She wasn't paying much notice to her sister 30 seconds earlier when I was knuckle deep in her. I don't really believe much in the whole LMR game. Why would I want to have sex with a chick that isn't thrilled to fuck me?

She felt bad after, and ended up texting me saying how she freaked out. I told her it was cool and that I was down for being friends. She ended up texting me the other night asking if I wanted to sleep with her...literally as in just spend the night and sleep with her. I wasn't 100% sure what her angle was, but I didn't really care to look into it because I was with TMC.

TMC is the Miley Cyrus girl I met in front of Taco Bell. TMC is short for throwback Miley Cyrus (she looks like Miley Cyrus before Miley Cyrus got all fucked up). I've been hanging out with her, and I'm digging her so far. We went hiking and out to dinner. I set up a date that was supposed to be our "honeymoon". We ended up consummating the fuck out of that honeymoon. It was a good time.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2015 12:07 pm 
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February 16th 2015

It's 4 o clock in the fuckin morning (go watch Taste of Ink by the Used if you don't get that reference). I haven't posted on this god forsaken board in a long time. I still stand by my opinion that pick up is not a righteous outlook on life at its roots, but it is a dirty way to self improvement.

If anyone still reads my shit, I want to open your mind to pursuing a path of self actualization, versus becoming a PUA.

The reason I am posting again is that this board has served as my personal journal pretty much. I would log all of my experiences offline but I do believe that sharing personal things with other guys can be helpful. I was reading some of Traveler's posts about his Bavarian girl and it's funny how I can relate now that I am in a relationship myself.

My last posts left off with me fazing out OFC girl and first meeting TMC. It was funny looking back on those posts now that I have officially made TMC my girlfriend. We talk about our first few dates a lot.

I know that anyone reading this right now probably just did an eye roll. Yeah, you heard right I'm "tied down" now. This brings me to my first observation.

I feel that most people in the community absolutely despise relationships. They even coined a specific term for it (like they do for everything)..."oneitis". A horrible disease to be avoided.

I understand from a "player's" perspective why a relationship seems to be nothing but a trap. The truth is, I don't believe in players. A player to me is someone that chooses repressed feelings over the pain of going through actual heartache. That is weak in my eyes.

Relationships or achieving emotional connection is in no way giving up or taking the easy road. Relationships are fucking hard. They require you to look deep down into yourself and acknowledge how you are vulnerable and weak. Everyone on this forum has weaknesses and emotional roadblocks that they wish they could overcome. The only way to start healing is to be a man and admit that they exist.

Happiness is simply perspective. You can't achieve happiness by getting girlfriend. You can't achieve happiness by finally hitting 50 lifetime lays. If you look back at my earlier field reports, you will hear me lamenting about how all I really wanted was authentic emotional connection. Dare I even say a girlfriend. I was tired of flakes and I wanted a girl to like me for me.

I can say that I finally got what I had been grinding for. TMC likes me for me. I'm pretty sure she even loves me at this point. She's a great girl and I've been seeing her for about four months. She is the first girl I've had both a sexual and an emotional relationship with. Sex is different when you know the chick actually likes you.

The truth though, is that finally getting a bona fide girlfriend since I was 17 hasn't given me some long sought after key to eternal bliss. When you are in a relationship, you are agreeing to certain trade offs. I have encountered some emotional hang ups that I hadn't experienced since I was younger. It's been weird actually. From a physical timeline, I've only progressed. I was a virgin at 17 with one girlfriend that I had for a year. I went through college getting nothing but one or two makeouts. Right after college (2014-2015) I got into pick up. I fucked 11 girls and madeout with a bunch.

After all the partying, promoting, and fucking, I still was the same guy on the inside. I still wanted that dreamy perfect girlfriend that would melt away all my problems and allow me to quit all the "game" stuff. The 27 year old bounced on my after she found out I was a virgin. I liked another 27 year old I met shortly after but she had a kid and I didn't want to get involved. I met Delaware chick and spent a romantic few days with her. I would've dated her long term if she hadn't just been visiting. I met SG while I was promoting. Despite my best efforts to play things cool and not get needy, I crumbled bad on that one. In retrospect it is easy to see that she was just a selfish little Cali sorority girl that would not have made a good girlfriend, but god knows I tried. And she broke me. I'm embarrassed that I practically begged her to stay with me and consider a relationship. I vowed that I never wanted to feel that way or make someone else feel that way for a long time.

Anway, I then met TMC the night before Halloween. 59 girls later, #60 would become my girlfriend...

So I finally got what I thought I had wanted all along. After getting a steady girlfriend, I feel like I began breaking ground on territory that I hadn't explored in a long time. My physical and sexual timeline was pretty linear. I went from wanting to talk to girls to fucking randoms the same night of meeting them. My emotional timeline has not been so linear though.

After getting with TMC, I discovered an insecurity within myself that I didn't quite foresee. I feel like an emotional virgin. A relationship virgin. I still feel like the 17 year old kid I was with my high school sweetheart relationship.

Long story short, I pegged TMC as a "good girl". She was a late bloomer in high school and was an athlete. She broke up with her high school boyfriend once she got to college and became a party girl. I guess I underestimated this aspect of her and I wanted to paint her in contrast to what I felt SG was. The truth though, is that I would find out that TMC had fucked 3 people less than me (she's 20 years old I'm 23). That also made her 3 short of the amount of guys SG had fucked.

I know I should not have asked, but my insecurities got the best of me. I got pretty fucked up over all of this, despite my best attempts not to. I sound stupid and borderline psychotic describing how I evaluate these girls, but I can't help it. I still strive to objectively judge the "quality" of the girls I date. Quality to me is some sense of purity.

I thought TMC was a "safe" girl for me. I'm gonna be honest with you guys, I had a meltdown about all this. I went over her place and started asking her questions point blank about her past. She had never had a one night stand, but fucked a guy the second night after meeting him. I freaked out because I fucked her on like the third date and I felt cheated in some obscure way. She had been with her first boyfriend for 1 year, another guy for 5 months, and some dude for 3 months (it was over the summer I guess). The rest were hookups.

All of this kind've hit me at once. Thinking about a girl's past is different once you commit to her and think of her as your girl. I freaked the fuck out. Like, I was borderline physically sick for a day or two. My precious "good girl" wasn't so good after all. After all the fucking around I did, I figured I had built in a nice security blanket for myself once I got into a situation like this. I could fall back and say "well its no biggie, I've fucked x more people than you".

I've been able to wrap my mind around most of it now. What has prevented me from walking on her was that she only gave oral sex to boyfriends (2 guys) and she only went raw with her first boyfriend (I am the second now). It sounds stupid, but I needed proof that she held something back. I needed something to hold onto to convince myself that she wasn't a "slut".

That night I freaked out, I felt I had to make the decision to either walk on her then, or commit to her fully and see if I could put her past behind her. I have no reasons in the present for walking on her. I don't think it is fair to next a girl on her past alone if it is not especially heinous.

I have gotten better about all of it. It is weird though. I don't feel like a guy that has fucked 11 girls. What gets me now is that I feel insecure that she has had relationships and I haven't. All of my lays were short lived, fleeting moments of empty fucking. Even though I remember saying with SG that everything would be fine if only I had fucked more people than she had, the truth is that I still felt insecure. I felt outgunned in some aspect. I can't help but think about how she fucked some guy on some summer fling.

I've thought ad nauseam about all of this. Sometimes when I look at her all I think about is how many guys shes fucked. It is a horrible thought process. When you really like a girl, it can make you sick if you take those thoughts and run with them.

She has given me more than enough evidence to show that I am special to her, and that she values what we have. It sounds dumb, but I am tripping solely on things she did before me. She hasn't done a single thing to indicate that she is a "slut" now or untrustworthy. She stopped partying after being with me, and barely drinks or goes out. She will do pretty much any sexual favor for me, at any time. I'm also the first guy to make her orgasm, and she orgasms regularly now.

I will continue on with the truths I have begun coming to terms with in my next posts...

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2015 1:05 pm 
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Hey man, just wanna say that ive been following your posts for a while now, and they're great. The brutal honesty you've shown over your last few posts is refreshing in contrast to the macho bravado that dominates a lot of these reports.

Still chilling with VP much?


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2015 10:46 pm 
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glugger wrote:

Still chilling with VP much?


Thanks for the positive feedback!

VP has been busy with Med school but I actually had a 3 way call with him and Guru yesterday. He's going through relationship issues of his own but you will probably see him posting new FR's once he starts going out again.

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Last edited by EnsoNytes on Thu Feb 19, 2015 12:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 12:20 am 
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February 17th 2015

I had a visit with Yoda to try and reflect on the issues I've been having with relationship life.

I also laid everything out on the table about my issues with sexual histories and the concept of "sluts". I told him about my awareness of the whole "gatekeeper" theory with girls withholding sex and guys withholding commitment.

He acknowledged that I could choose to think of things that way, but he believes that it is a double standard. He asked my why I didn't like the fact that TMC had had casual sexual encounters and it took me awhile to be able to verbalize why. I told him how I was hesitant to commit to her because of her baggage but he also reminded me that I have baggage of my own. This is true, I obviously am working through certain things. I told him how I wonder if I could find a "better girl" and a girl without certain issues. A "purer" "nice girl".

He didn't seem to quite sympathize with this hang up on purity. I've noticed that a lot of guys into pick up are the ones that actually trip over this concept. I think if you try and objectify relationships and girls in general with statistics, you get distracted about what things are are really all about. The ultimate goal is happiness and satisfaction.

He did make a good point that it can be a major drawback to be in a relationship with a girl that doesn't have much sexual experience. The same way girls with a lot of experience may have underlying issues, girls with little experience may have their own issues. He reminded me to focus more on why a girl would seek casual sex versus the fact she engaged in the act itself.

I came to realize a little bit that I was getting hung up over the wrong things. Looking at someone's resume isn't a fool proof way to predict their future performance. The only thing you can truly evaluate is how they act in the present and be aware of how you feel then.

I asked him if you should stay with a girl that you don't see spending your entire life with. He felt that you shouldn't, or you should at least be on the same page with a girl if it is a temporary arrangement. The more you lead them on the more it hurts.

He also felt that from what I told him, it didn't seem like I was that head over heels with her. I can't deny this, but at the same time I've never felt myself fall for a chick because of her. I'm not sure if my slight disconnect in attachment stems from TMC, or from me. It stuck with me though when he asked if I felt something was "missing" about her. I can't say if there is something "missing" about her, or there is something missing in life in general.

Another thing I ran by him was the idea of looking for certain things you don't like in girls to prevent you from wasting time investing in them long term when you wouldn't be compatible. He told me that people can change for another person. It's not necessarily wrong to willingly adapt certain behaviors to make a relationship work. The question you have to ask yourself is if the accommodations necessary are changes that would positively improve you as a person.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2015 5:13 am 
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Just saw this as a sticky bud, awesome! Good to see you last weekend (even if the girls at my place were bitches) and lets get out a little more often, yeah?

Happy sarging bro

T.R.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2015 3:39 pm 
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Brutal honesty lives here. Well done. As I had once said, you will never get over the girl's past. It's up to you to decide whether it is something you want to live with or not.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2015 6:46 pm 
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Girls love sex, man. Inside every good little girl there's a slut yearning to break loose... and I mean that in a good way. Slut-shaming is a double-standard...

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PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2015 3:07 am 
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May 6th 2015
I'm fucking pissed because I just got down typing a long elegant entry that didn't save because apparent I wasn't logged in yet. So here I go for the second time in a quicker dirtier fashion.

I just got back from another psychologist I've been meeting with. He gave me some solid advice. If anyone has negative beliefs about therapy or buy into stigma towards it I highly recommend you discard those beliefs. The way I see it I always want the best. I want the best products, the best people, and the best consults in my life. I could ask keyboard jockeys about life's philosophical questions, or I could ask a professional. (No offense keyboard jockeys).

Anywhom I bounced some philosophy off his head and got some insightful feedback. First off I've made the personal decision to avoid clubs from now on. One of the driving factors was my anxiety towards my tinnitus (severe ringing in the ears due to hearing loss). I won't go into depth (unless someone wants to PM me) but basically I recommend protecting your ears if you choose to frequent clubs. Taking myself out of the nightlife environment has already improved my wellbeing. I'm planning on leveraging my decision and challenging myself to socialize in alternative, more low key, settings. I think there is a power to meeting people and potential love interests doing shared activities that speak to your personal identity.

I also talked to him in depth about masculine/feminine polarity, partying, slutty behavior, and monogamy. First off he laid down the fact that men used to fuck indiscriminately until they figured out that fucking causes babies. Complex and growing societies need parenting to make the wheels turn. So monogamy was born out of necessity for youth development.

As far as party sluts go and LTR's, he said this. It is possible for girls to lose themselves in that environment and not find their ways back. Partying and sleeping around is not good training for ultimate long term relationships and child rearing. However, he made the distinction that there is a difference between visiting that life and renting an apartment and living in it. To boil this down, I asked him if he had the choice would he choose the girl that: 1) Lost her way and went towards the wild side for awhile but then returned? Or 2) A "good girl" that never strayed from her path. He said option 1 everytime. The first girl was able to make a more qualified decision about what she wanted for herself. He told me about examples of many high school sweethearts that feel like they "missed out" down the road. I can identify with this on a personal basis. Living the party life allowed me to better define my personal values and boundaries. Without it, I would not know for sure where I stood.

There is a favorite quote of mine from Carl Jung...
“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell."

T.R. wrote:
Just saw this as a sticky bud...
T.R.

Yeah man I'm definitely down to chill anytime!
Unfazed wrote:
Girls love sex...

Tr@veler wrote:
Brutal honesty lives here...

I'm glad you both said these things actually because they represent the contrasting ideologies that I was striving to negotiate.

Unfazed Sex in and of itself is an enjoyable activity that both sexes should enjoy. I think what is important is to examine a person's why for having sex.
Tr@veler You and VP have both agreed on this belief "That you will never get over a girl's past" before. I think the immediate mistake here is that you are attempting to interpret a fatalistic belief as a universal truth. The heart of PU is the assumption that you can evolve from being an "AFC" to a more self actualized individual that is more attractive to women. We would all agree that a woman should accept you for the competent individual that you have BECOME and not the "AFC" that you were. I think that it is only fair that you give another person the same opportunity. I do think what you are saying has some aspects of truthfulness, but I think it should be more nuanced. I would say "You will never get over a girl's past if her current self and aspirations do not compliment your's". It is crucial to be present/future oriented here.

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PostPosted: Thu May 21, 2015 8:49 am 
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EnsoNytes wrote:
May 6th 2015
I'm fucking pissed because I just got down typing a long elegant entry that didn't save because apparent I wasn't logged in yet. So here I go for the second time in a quicker dirtier fashion.

I just got back from another psychologist I've been meeting with. He gave me some solid advice. If anyone has negative beliefs about therapy or buy into stigma towards it I highly recommend you discard those beliefs. The way I see it I always want the best. I want the best products, the best people, and the best consults in my life. I could ask keyboard jockeys about life's philosophical questions, or I could ask a professional. (No offense keyboard jockeys).

Anywhom I bounced some philosophy off his head and got some insightful feedback. First off I've made the personal decision to avoid clubs from now on. One of the driving factors was my anxiety towards my tinnitus (severe ringing in the ears due to hearing loss). I won't go into depth (unless someone wants to PM me) but basically I recommend protecting your ears if you choose to frequent clubs. Taking myself out of the nightlife environment has already improved my wellbeing. I'm planning on leveraging my decision and challenging myself to socialize in alternative, more low key, settings. I think there is a power to meeting people and potential love interests doing shared activities that speak to your personal identity.

I also talked to him in depth about masculine/feminine polarity, partying, slutty behavior, and monogamy. First off he laid down the fact that men used to fuck indiscriminately until they figured out that fucking causes babies. Complex and growing societies need parenting to make the wheels turn. So monogamy was born out of necessity for youth development.

As far as party sluts go and LTR's, he said this. It is possible for girls to lose themselves in that environment and not find their ways back. Partying and sleeping around is not good training for ultimate long term relationships and child rearing. However, he made the distinction that there is a difference between visiting that life and renting an apartment and living in it. To boil this down, I asked him if he had the choice would he choose the girl that: 1) Lost her way and went towards the wild side for awhile but then returned? Or 2) A "good girl" that never strayed from her path. He said option 1 everytime. The first girl was able to make a more qualified decision about what she wanted for herself. He told me about examples of many high school sweethearts that feel like they "missed out" down the road. I can identify with this on a personal basis. Living the party life allowed me to better define my personal values and boundaries. Without it, I would not know for sure where I stood.

There is a favorite quote of mine from Carl Jung...
“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell."

T.R. wrote:
Just saw this as a sticky bud...
T.R.

Yeah man I'm definitely down to chill anytime!
Unfazed wrote:
Girls love sex...

Tr@veler wrote:
Brutal honesty lives here...

I'm glad you both said these things actually because they represent the contrasting ideologies that I was striving to negotiate.

Unfazed Sex in and of itself is an enjoyable activity that both sexes should enjoy. I think what is important is to examine a person's why for having sex.
Tr@veler You and VP have both agreed on this belief "That you will never get over a girl's past" before. I think the immediate mistake here is that you are attempting to interpret a fatalistic belief as a universal truth. The heart of PU is the assumption that you can evolve from being an "AFC" to a more self actualized individual that is more attractive to women. We would all agree that a woman should accept you for the competent individual that you have BECOME and not the "AFC" that you were. I think that it is only fair that you give another person the same opportunity. I do think what you are saying has some aspects of truthfulness, but I think it should be more nuanced. I would say "You will never get over a girl's past if her current self and aspirations do not compliment your's". It is crucial to be present/future oriented here.


To be honest I think getting over a girl's past if you have feelings for her depends on a few things. I think first and foremost how you were brought up has a lot to do with your ability and speed of getting over it. If you were brought up in a conservative environment it will be much more difficult to shed those beliefs.

Secondly I believe that the amount of feelings you have for her is also a factor. I have been in circle of PUAs in Vienna and met a guy there who has a lot of respect in that community because, well, he's fucking good. Now he has a gf. Long story short, he split up with her 3 years ago after a 10 month relationship, fucked around 20 chicks, then got back with her because he loved her so deeply. She, on the other hand, fucked 3 guys, and guess what? He had the same feelings you, VP, and I have/had. He experiences fucked with his head, even though he had more than 6-7 times the experiences she had.

When it come to pure fucking, a girl's past does not matter. In fact, it is easier for a guy to respect her more and stay in the mentality of "Sex is fun, everyone should be allowed to have sex with everyone you want", however when feelings are involved, specifically if feelings of ltr are involved, it is a different story. Suddenly the male brain goes, "She is mine, I need to protect her, I want her to have my child and only my child". And of course she probably isn't seeing anyone, however the past experiences make you feel like she cheated on you all those years, even though you didn't even know her. Surely you can relate to these feelings? You begin to ask why you couldn't have met her earlier, would she have liked you back then? She had an ex-bf? He must have been more of a man than you were at the time...bladibla. A lot of stuff.

I have done extensive research into this and also a lot of self experimentation with thoughts and changing beliefs. I am MUCH better now, but I am once again on the PUA path which I love. I am still together with my gf, but a lot of things are happening where I am not happy with her and I see an expiration date. Unfortunately the open relationship we had didn't go down well and my image of her got even worse. However, it was a learning experience nonetheless. I have still not gotten over the past, however, and I think I need a lot more experiences in order to get to the point where something like that truly doesn't matter.


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PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2015 2:25 am 
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Tr@veler wrote:
EnsoNytes wrote:
May 6th 2015


So we kind've agree that these feelings exist in some guys. Once LTR'esque feelings kick in there is a shift from this is a girl I'm fucking (who cares what she has done) to she is my girl and I have to take some level of ownership for her and her past.

I think we would also agree that on a personal level, me you and VP all would agree that monogamy is a desired end goal in life. It may just be a social construct, but it permeates society for a reason. It is been shown to be the most effective route for raising children.

Your theory is that basically every lay a girl has is a tick mark against your ability to accept her once you claim her as "your" girl. Even if the ratio is radically skewed in your favor, it doesn't matter because each lay stings.

I'm not going to argue that his phenomenon doesn't exist because I have experienced it. I was brought up in a fairly conservative household and those morals formed a foundation that perhaps I can't completely erase.

It leaves a bit of a conundrum though, wouldn't you agree? It inherently forces us to value the quality of a girl by her prudeness. I think we could all also agree that it is a fools errand to try and find girls that are virgins.

So what do you propose? What beliefs have you personally embraced going forward? I am not saying that I have found a belief system that I have 100% settled into and I don't second guess myself with how I feel at times. I have found, however, that perhaps a lot of my beliefs were rooted in dogmatic thinking that were not entirely true to what life is really like, or should be like.

To put it simply, I couldn't and haven't found girls that matched what I thought my moral values were. On the flipside I have met a lot of guys that couldn't even wrap their minds around tripping over how many guys a chick has fucked. And these guys are genuinely happy carefree dudes.

My other observation towards this phenomenon is that it is a glaring double standard. If promiscuity is not something you value as a man or woman, then you can't partake in it and judge others for it at the same time. The little red pill fantasy that life should be like it was in the 50's is a far cry. So remove gender roles from the equation and think about it evenly. If you valued sex so highly as an intimate act and you chose to play the game an eye for an eye, then you can only judge a girl by how you judge yourself. If you saved sex then you can respectfully expect her to save it. If you let a couple of good times through the moral gate then you have to accept if she let a couple of fun lays through the gate.

We can believe whatever we want. What we believe will affect our feelings and behavior. So my working theory is that what ultimately matters is the present and your present relationship with a girl. Take sex off the pedestal and elevate more important values. Does she have high self esteem (in the present)? Is she overall happy? Does she value our relationship? Does she value committed monogamy? Does she know her weaknesses and take responsibility over them?

When you do this, you stop crying over how many lays a girl has had (which we would both agree is a bit of a cognitive dissonance) and you can perhaps more justly cry over how she may have had sex out of low self esteem or validation. (Guys can do that as well). Either way it goes back to the agreement that we should take people for how they are are in the present.

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PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2015 2:37 pm 
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Been following this thread for a while now, I'd like to weigh in.

The whole issue of monogamy is one that is really fraught with biological and social issues all along the way. It's too complex to discuss in full detail. For me personally, there's one thing that helps:

DECIDING what matters and what doesn't, and ACTING in accordance.

You have control over your emotions. Not FULL control, mind you, but a large measure of control.

Personally, I would never ask a woman, unprompted, how many guys (or girls) she's slept with. Put quite simply, it doesn't concern me. When you decide to ALLOW your insecurities to control you, that's the problem.

I used to have the same issues. When you decide to STOP questioning and DECIDE to stop caring about it, and act accordingly, the demons will be a lot quieter.


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PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2015 5:55 am 
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ChocolatePUA wrote:
Been following this thread for a while now, I'd like to weigh in...


Thanks for the input! I always like it when people chime in and give perspectives.

May 28th 2015

I talked to (lets call him Dr. Tree) about different psychological perspectives.

Anyway, one thing I wanted to delve into was identity and it's impact on social relations. I have carried around certain beliefs about myself and what I am capable of. I would say that I have thought of myself as a nice guy. The type of guy that doesn't like to dive right in. Fairly introverted around most people.

Now I feel like I have found differing trains of thoughts regarding this issue. I have identified some of these beliefs as more limiting than empowering. Now where it gets murky is deciding what to do about it. Some people say you can't completely change who you are and you will always fall back to your previous ways. Some people would say that you can choose who you want to be by disowning that identity and telling yourself that you are the most outgoing person in the room.

So I asked Dr. Tree his opinions on personality and identity change. He told me that as a psychologist, he personally would not consider himself to be an outgoing social butterfly. At conventions, he commonly feels out of place with the other psychs. He prefers to be left alone or in nature settings. However, for his job he is comfortable talking with people and doesn't mind day to day interactions. He said that people do tend to have a personality preference, but can adapt that personality as needed.

I remembered reading about personality types and the Myer-Briggs tests. At first, I never questioned personality and thought who we were was fixed. Then after being barraged with NLP and pick up influences, I felt that with enough repetition one can change personality like any other habit.

At this point, I am more on board with the idea that personality type is essentially just a desired preference. Nothing more, nothing less. You don't have to box yourself in as an "introvert" or an "extrovert". That fine line exists with accepting your flaws or weaknesses and moving on despite them, and self delusion. I don't think certain preferences are inferior to other ones. Introverts and extroverts both have their pros and cons. I would say that I prefer to chill by myself or with a select few people as my baseline.

I remember how much I loved coming home after school growing up, after bein put through a bunch of bullshit to just be able to kick back and relax. I'll blow off plans to hang out and read any day. When I get bored though, I do honestly crave going out and talking to people on my terms. If the energy is high and shit is amp'ng me up, I can be a pretty energetic dude.

My bottom line is this. Do personality types exist? Yes. Do people usually fall under being an introvert or an extrovert? Yes. Does this really matter or define who they are/what they are capable of? No. An introvert can enjoy riding social highs or turning on a more social nature when it is required. Extroverts can enjoy more introverted activities.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2015 1:54 am 
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June 11th 2015

One of my close friends from high school came back in to town from Florida. I've wrote about him in some of my first field reports.

This dude has followed a very similar developmental path that I have (perhaps a path that a lot of guys follow to some degree). He got no play in high school, got a long term girlfriend of like 5 years and then chose to break it off with her and play the field.

Anyway, we went to a kickback with a bunch of young kids he works with (we are talking like 18-22 year olds). I just turned 24 so I felt some age gap but I wanted to embrace a fresh experience. I hadn't been to a random house party in a long time.

We got there and it was pretty low key. It was a little awkward not knowing anyone but I felt at ease being one of the oldest people there. Them kids were barely out of high school. They don't know about the enigmatic complexities of life.

My buddy started drinking and I decided to join him. Now that old friends have come back into the picture I've been justifying drinking now as "special occasions". I gotta stamp that shit out because its creeping into a habit. I would also later pay for it physically.

A cute chick started chatting with us. She went to our old high school, and was the younger sister of one of the upperclassman we knew. She had black rimmed glasses and light brown hair. We started vibing a little. I knew that we were fishing with dynamite going in. When there is that much of an age gap it throws us into the cool older guys context. This was amplified when I started talking to her about teachers we thought were hot at our high school and how she had a crush on one of the male teachers I thought was super lame. I told her that if I was a high school teacher I would kill the game and that I was pretty much better in anyway than that dude. I also told her that I understood why she might think he's hot because he was the only semi attractive teacher there. (This wasn't some sort of role-play routine...I don't use routines. But I guess if you wanted to dissect this interaction and get all PUA nerdy about it it would resemble one).

The point of this experiences was that it forced me to think about two primary things.

At that moment, I missed the thrill of the chase. I missed vibing with new girls. I fantasized about hooking up with that chick and I was very confident that if I wanted to, I could have. I was actually a little jelly of that pedobear history teacher at my high school that runs fishing-with-dynamite game. (Preying on young school girls). That shit seemed hot as fuck even if it is unethical perhaps. Me and my buddy felt transported back to high school for a second...but in this reality we hold the advantage. It's a childish fulfillment....I know. But think about it. What is worse? A 35 year old teacher hitting on students or a 24 year old hitting on an 18 year old fresh out of high school? I'm not saying I want 18 year old chicks to be my bread and butter. But a few isolated incidents wouldn't be reprehensible.

This was the first time I truly missed meeting new girls and living the bachelor life. My current relationship has been rocky, and I haven't been able to fully commit myself to TMC. I can't shake her vulnerabilities. We just don't gel quite well enough for me to think of her as THE girl. MY girl. The problem is that I'm not far gone enough to be able to just walk on her. I also authentically feel bad for her because she has had so many bad things happen to her and she struggles with self-esteem. I feel trapped. I got into this relationship trying to fix up the things she struggled with and giving her a fair shot. She's never stopped TRYING to get better but we get caught in repetitive downward spirals. Me leaving her now would be like the U.S. pulling out of 'Nam. The U.S. military took the L and South Vietnam got swallowed back up to Communism. I keep trying to do nice things with her thinking that I'm filling up her life bucket with good experiences. But the moment I leave she's gonna dump out the entire bucket and color the relationship as a failure.

The other thing I was forced to come to terms with was drinking. I just can't do it. Not even in isolated incidents anymore. After a night of drinking, I'm anxious and nauseous the day after. I have chronic esophagitis, and drinking is like pouring acid on an already inflamed system. My body bounces back, but every time I do it to myself it's a bad decision categorically. My ears also ring horribly after drinking and it peaks my anxiety back up.

I know how hard it is to not drink because drinking for me is like a near perfect drug (on the front end). I can drink just enough so that I act exactly how I would ideally want to act all the time. I feel completely natural talking to people.

However, I simply can't do it. I will choose to reach that state soberly.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2015 1:20 am 
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June 24th 2015

My breakup with TMC

I officially broke up with TMC as of yesterday morning. I will summarize the events that lead up to this break up to lock in the story of what happened.

So me and TMC were growing distant. I felt unable to commit myself entirely to the relationship due to dysfunctional cycles that were recurring. This started to take an effect on her. She also had a poor support system. She was desperate to make more friends and seek that connection elsewhere if she wasn't getting it entirely from me.

So I encouraged her to expand her support system. She hung out with our mutual guy friends at parties, and started hanging around her new volleyball teammates more.

Long story short, I started getting uneasy feelings about all of it. I started getting hints from social media that she was doing things with people that she didn't not explicitly tell me about. And one day I noticed she had a pin code on her phone when she never used to. She later claimed that she locked her phone because her managers at work would take her phone when she was texting. I couldn't help it, but I ended up telling her my phone was a clean slate, and hers should be too. She resisted showing me her phone, but eventually did.

I then found about five primary pieces of evidence that caused disturbance. One, she was talking to this guy named Alex fairly regularly about personal topics. "Don't worry Alex, you don't need someone in your life right now. There are good girls like me out there". Two, she spent the night at some volleyball dudes house with her friends and didn't tell me about it...and probably never would have told me about it. Three, that night she said one of the guys took a break to himself out on the balcony. She went over to see what was wrong and they started "talking about life". He tried to make a move on her and she apparently rejected it and walked out. Another thing I would have never known about. Four, I found through those texts that our mutual (ish) guy friend got drunk one of the nights she was partying with him and slapped her ass. In her texts, she said she "let it slide once". She also had that guy friend as her phone background. Five, the next day I melted down on her knowing all of this would probably be the tipping point I needed to make up my decision about walking. I told her that if there was any slim chance I could wrap my mind around this and try to re-commit myself to the relationship, I had to see the entirety of her text messages. She said yes, but when I got to the thread between her and the girlfriend of hers involved with all of this shit, she wouldn't let me see anymore. She said that the girlfriend told her personal things that she promised she wouldn't share with anyone.

I was running on pure panicked adrenaline, and semi knowledge that I was talking to a girl that would be my ex at that point. So I practically begged her to show me those texts and that I would consider staying with her. It would be her shitty new girlfriend that she met just recently (and fucked the brother of the guy she was talking to (Alex) who was also talking to TMC) or me, her boyfriend of 8 months. The guy that 'was her best friend and meant everything to her" (TMC's words). And she said no. She couldn't do it. So we were done.

The first day of this was hard. The feelings and physiological symptoms I experienced were familiar. Cycle back a few pages of posts and you will find my entries about being dumped after having flings with a few girls. I felt sad as fuck. I felt needy as fuck. I felt restless and that something I needed to have for a state of well being existed somewhere outside of me and I needed to find it immediately. You can't just undue almost 9 months of an intimate relationship. My relationship with TMC was the most intimate relationship I've had to date.

I still feel bad today. But I just got back from Doc Tree. My discourse with him really set my mind straight. For a bit there, I was seriously worried about relapsing. I felt I HAD to have her back in my life.

This is the biggest thing I took from Doc Tree. My entire relationship could be summed up in three, seemingly meaningless events.

First event. We were driving back from our trip to northern AZ. It was a unique trip, and we had a good time. It was cool. On the drive back, she was drinking out of a Starbucks cup, and it was empty except for ice. She fell asleep. I put trash in her cup naturally assuming she was done with it. She woke up and started drinking it (kinda funny in hindsight) and I told her yo wait I put trash in it. She get mad immediately. Why did you do that? You KNOW I like to eat the ice when I'm done drinking it. Here we are, getting into an argument over her not being able to chew on her leftover ice, on a truly unique roadtrip. It was one of the many moments where it hurt because I knew that I didn't want to be with someone that couldn't let something so small slide for the greater happiness of the situation.

Second event. We got done playing volleyball and we agreed to give each other massages. I gave her a damn good massage. She even said it was the best I had given her. When it was my turn, she didn't naturally reciprocate. I had to ask. After I asked she seemed pleased to do it, but she did a half assed job. It reminded me of the times when she would blow me (which had to usually be negotiated in some fashion beforehand) and she would make sure she could watch TV at the same time. Haha.

The last event was when we were trying to decide what to watch on TV the other night. I suggested something and she said no. Then she suggested some animal planet show. I agreed (I like animals bros) but I just didn't like the sentiment. She would always be bitchy up front and apologize later.

My convo with Dr. Tree was the thing I needed to set my mind right again. My feelings were not ill advised. I was the helper in the relationship, and she was the one receiving the help. This WAS our relationship. I thought I could transform it to something else. Something more equal and mutually fulfilling...but that time never really came. And it wasn't going to come. If one of your baseball teammates can't hit a baseball as good as you, you can teach him/her how to hit. If they continually miss the ball though, you are going to have a losing team. It sucks having a losing team.

Another thing I came to realize is that by being the "helper" you are not unique. The relationship isn't build around unique character traits that are mutually fulfilling. It is built around you helping the other person and continuing to do so because you feel you are doing a good thing by it. The kicker with that, is simply helping is not unique.

She is continually texting me and pleading that I remain her friend. She said she won't be able to get through this without me...I'm her best friend. I know better though. It crushes me to think about, but I know that if another guy steps in and fills my role, all of the shit she is saying now will fall by the wayside. And this is a realistic reality...because my role was the helper. There are a lot of helpers out there. If I withhold support, she will look for it elsewhere. It is not my personality or unique character flaws that kept her with me. It was simply support. I can't completely blame her though. I set this frame. This evolved out of a time when I just wanted some love and support too. Now I am experiencing the repercussions.

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