My Journey to Becoming the Icy Zen Master


Go to page Previous  1 ... 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests
Post new topic Reply to topic   Board index » Real Life Gaming » Field Reports




Author Message
PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2015 5:46 am 
Offline
Member of MPUA Forum
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2013 3:29 am
Posts: 187
November 16th 2015
99 Days Porn Free
16 days alcohol Free
0 Nights at Meet Markets

So this month I instituted some personal goals. I am still doing no porn and I'm almost at 100 days. I am not drinking a drop of alcohol for the entire month of November, and upon completion of that I plan on carrying it out indefinitely (I might give myself New Years and one other holiday or something). My next goal is that I am not allowing myself to go to the main meet markets in my area (college town and snob district) at night. I am mostly doing this to burn my bridges to night socializing and encourage myself to meet women and any strangers for that matter during the day. My last goal is that I want to talk to a new stranger a day (one man one woman). I feel like I might adjust the goal a bit, but so far I am including clerks. I might take away this option to push me further outside my comfort zone. With clerks, I am going to stop asking them how their day was (boring/trite) and instead start asking them what they most look forward to doing that day. This just kindve came to me but my reasoning is that it will encourage more authentic responses, and also get them thinking positive thoughts during their programmed routine.

All of these goals share the common premise that I am making a commitment to burn my safety nets and push myself further into my fears. I still find it fascinating when I am unable to let go, and act out benign behaviors. I don't fight with my anxiety nowadays. It doesn't make sense to fight something that is natural. But I still contain a drive and passion for further exploring this fear (not eradicating it).

Today, for example, I saw this hot ass latina chick walking out my building at school. Most guys I go out with say I'm pretty picky when it comes to aesthetics, and I guess I usually am. So when a girl actually catches my eye, I always feel like it is noteworthy. So anyway I was walking right next to her at one point for a bit as I was going to get my bike, and I wanted to talk to her. Why not? She was hot. I couldn't bring myself to do it though. I'll come clean and admit it. I'm not ashamed of it. As I said, I find it more intriguing than anything else nowadays. Guys can say I'm a pussy or indulging in limiting beliefs or what not. I don't know...to some degree maybe. There is always fruitful improvement and exploration to be done after you accept that you are already whole. But I guess all I'm saying is that everyone has fear, and I think that's okay. I can come back from having a threesome in Vegas to not being able to ask a chick for her number at school.

I'm man enough to admit that I still get fearful. I still freeze up sometimes. I am coming from a much higher place with my interactions now, and I am dedicated to always finding out what is most true in the moment. But I have no fantasy that I will ever be fearless. All I can do is show myself unconditional kindness, and remind myself that what I have to give to the world is bigger than my fear. If anything, it is selfish of me to hold back from expressing every drop of humanity I have stored inside of me when myself, and that girl I didn't talk to today will be dead in 80 years (if we are both lucky). While maybe that is a long time to live, when you think about it, most people get married before they are 30. That means she probably only has give or take 5 years of single living left. The amount of truly high quality, solid men that will approach her is really not THAT many when you break it down. I am robbing her of growing as a human being by not extending myself and what I have to share. I truly believe that, and I believe that cocreating from a pure place should be prioritized over your fears.

_________________
Game doesn't exist.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jan 01, 2016 12:38 am 
Offline
Member of MPUA Forum
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2013 3:29 am
Posts: 187
December 31st 2015
I whacked off to porn once. Drank twice. Didn't Assert My Needs.

I've still been doing fairly well at not drinking, and I've only slipped on porn once. Not coincidentally both happened in the same night.

The thing I wanted to note was that I recently experienced a brief derailment regarding vulnerability and self investment.

The first noteworthy thing that happened was that I made a fake Tinder profile with a pornstar chick I found on the internet. My takeaway from that was that it makes absolutely no sense when you choose not to be yourself or play it safe to secure investment from women. Any given chick can get hundreds of matches and tons of messages from guys every single time they log on. Whatever you say or do (good or bad) is just a ripple in their pond. I also found that most guys on there were dreadfully boring, and extremely needy.

The other thing that happened was I had a brief fling with a girl that I knew through social circles. By fling though, I unfortunately mean a fling minus anything sexual. Long story short, let’s say that I found out that she was conflicted with what she wanted, and sexually unavailable (for whatever reason, my presumption is trust issues). I thought she was cute. A little quirky and not my usual type but I was willing to give her a shot. I took her on two “dates” and they were fun...but I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that I wasn’t able to induce those windows of opportunity for escalating. If I held her hand, she would maybe hold it for a bit then change the subject and pull away. I actually ended up sleeping with her the second night we hung out, and I still didn’t make a move. She ended up falling asleep halfway through it. (This is pretty depressing to type out…)

I don’t put the burden of us not physically connecting all on me. That would be unfair. After thinking about it, I may have been afraid to make a move, but that fear was not misplaced. It stemmed from the fact that I cued in on her resistance to actually invest in me. I was willing to put physicality and emotions on the line. She was only willing to share emotions.

I do have a takeaway from what happened though. An area for improvement.

What I am not particularly proud of is that I didn’t assert my needs. I was willing to put what she wanted first in the hope that I would get what I wanted after. This is not self-love or self-responsibility. This is not being "nice" or "other-minded". This is self-abandonment.

She kept talking about how a lot of guys make her uncomfortable and misjudge her friendliness as interest. So in my mind I kindve agreed to not be like the other guys and play it cool. I would only go for it if/when I was absolutely sure she wanted me to.

Well that moment never came, and I ended up asking her point blank if she had wanted something to happen the night we slept together. She basically ended up saying that she was just content with me being there, and didn’t really want anything.

Ouch.

If I had known she had just wanted a cuddle buddy and pretend boyfriend to show her friends, would I have agreed in the first place? Would I have watched a lame movie by myself while she was passed out? Fuck no. And now that I think about it, she wasn’t conflicted about dating me or not. She was internally conflicted with whether she was okay stringing me along in the friendzone or not. It is highly unlikely that legitimately seeing me was ever really on the table.

So what does this mean for me? Well I shouldn’t be disappointed for “fucking up a good thing” because I was afraid.

I should be displeased to admit that I didn’t assert my needs or wants. In a situation of ambivalence, I deferred. I didn’t stick up for myself.

If you break down the numbers, statistically speaking you are going to NOT get the girl more times than you will get her. This is just the truth. Any good player will admit to it. Embrace it. Because of this fact alone, you should never subjugate yourself for someone else. Period the end.

The mantra I need to tattoo on myself (and many guys like me) is PUT YOUR NEEDS FIRST. Wanting to kiss her was not an evil intention. I should have attempted to do what I wanted to do, and if she didn't like it then at that point I could determine why and if it was worth my time to stay. It would have been a positive move though because it would have saved us both time. (See Manson's concept of polarizing).

Like many concepts, it is something I was strongly familiar with in theory, but it can take a long time and many real life experiences before it actually clicks.

_________________
Game doesn't exist.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2016 7:44 pm 
Offline
Dedicated Member

Joined: Mon Dec 01, 2014 4:14 pm
Posts: 639
EnsoNytes wrote:
December 31st 2015
I whacked off to porn once. Drank twice. Didn't Assert My Needs.

I've still been doing fairly well at not drinking, and I've only slipped on porn once. Not coincidentally both happened in the same night.

The thing I wanted to note was that I recently experienced a brief derailment regarding vulnerability and self investment.

The first noteworthy thing that happened was that I made a fake Tinder profile with a pornstar chick I found on the internet. My takeaway from that was that it makes absolutely no sense when you choose not to be yourself or play it safe to secure investment from women. Any given chick can get hundreds of matches and tons of messages from guys every single time they log on. Whatever you say or do (good or bad) is just a ripple in their pond. I also found that most guys on there were dreadfully boring, and extremely needy.

The other thing that happened was I had a brief fling with a girl that I knew through social circles. By fling though, I unfortunately mean a fling minus anything sexual. Long story short, let’s say that I found out that she was conflicted with what she wanted, and sexually unavailable (for whatever reason, my presumption is trust issues). I thought she was cute. A little quirky and not my usual type but I was willing to give her a shot. I took her on two “dates” and they were fun...but I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that I wasn’t able to induce those windows of opportunity for escalating. If I held her hand, she would maybe hold it for a bit then change the subject and pull away. I actually ended up sleeping with her the second night we hung out, and I still didn’t make a move. She ended up falling asleep halfway through it. (This is pretty depressing to type out…)

I don’t put the burden of us not physically connecting all on me. That would be unfair. After thinking about it, I may have been afraid to make a move, but that fear was not misplaced. It stemmed from the fact that I cued in on her resistance to actually invest in me. I was willing to put physicality and emotions on the line. She was only willing to share emotions.

I do have a takeaway from what happened though. An area for improvement.

What I am not particularly proud of is that I didn’t assert my needs. I was willing to put what she wanted first in the hope that I would get what I wanted after. This is not self-love or self-responsibility. This is not being "nice" or "other-minded". This is self-abandonment.

She kept talking about how a lot of guys make her uncomfortable and misjudge her friendliness as interest. So in my mind I kindve agreed to not be like the other guys and play it cool. I would only go for it if/when I was absolutely sure she wanted me to.

Well that moment never came, and I ended up asking her point blank if she had wanted something to happen the night we slept together. She basically ended up saying that she was just content with me being there, and didn’t really want anything.

Ouch.

If I had known she had just wanted a cuddle buddy and pretend boyfriend to show her friends, would I have agreed in the first place? Would I have watched a lame movie by myself while she was passed out? Fuck no. And now that I think about it, she wasn’t conflicted about dating me or not. She was internally conflicted with whether she was okay stringing me along in the friendzone or not. It is highly unlikely that legitimately seeing me was ever really on the table.

So what does this mean for me? Well I shouldn’t be disappointed for “fucking up a good thing” because I was afraid.

I should be displeased to admit that I didn’t assert my needs or wants. In a situation of ambivalence, I deferred. I didn’t stick up for myself.

If you break down the numbers, statistically speaking you are going to NOT get the girl more times than you will get her. This is just the truth. Any good player will admit to it. Embrace it. Because of this fact alone, you should never subjugate yourself for someone else. Period the end.

The mantra I need to tattoo on myself (and many guys like me) is PUT YOUR NEEDS FIRST. Wanting to kiss her was not an evil intention. I should have attempted to do what I wanted to do, and if she didn't like it then at that point I could determine why and if it was worth my time to stay. It would have been a positive move though because it would have saved us both time. (See Manson's concept of polarizing).

Like many concepts, it is something I was strongly familiar with in theory, but it can take a long time and many real life experiences before it actually clicks.


She didn't string you along. She seemed quite upfront on what her feelings were. Ironically, it was her ambivalence that kept you attracted to her. Thankfully, you know better than most chodes

You're right - you absolutely should put your needs first, do what YOU want to do, and if she doesn't accept well that's life. The earlier you push things sexual, the better, because it clears up both your frame and hers.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 123 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

All times are UTC


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to: