June 25th 2015
I just had my posts wiped before I submitted it again
I really have to start saving drafts.
So I will try to distill everything I had typed out. (These posts are mostly for myself and to crystallize my own thoughts about everything...not too entertaining).
I am at the point with TMC of trying to negotiate how to interact with her going forward. I am also challenging a lot of of my previous personal beliefs.
Long story short I asked her more in depth about the events that led to our downfall in detail to gain greater perspective. (Knowing it had no effect on the outcome).
Basically she answered all of the points I brought up. Most of it boiled down to the fact that I was putting off the strong sense that the relationship was over, and she wanted to make friends (of either gender) to remind herself that she would be okay if I left. She admitted that she went about it the wrong way, and failed to communicate about the things she did out of not knowing how to bring it up. She hadn't been put in the those situations before.
So I guess at this point I'm torn between the concept of friendship. I'm torn between treating the seeds of emotional infidelity the same as if they actually occurred. At what point is cheating truly cheating? I'm also having the feeling that in order to even be friends, I want to know the whole truth of the matter.
I don't fear that I will relapse, and I firmly believe that we didn't work due to incompatibilities that were not worth the effort required to overcome. It's the fine line between acceptance improvement. The developmental view of the West versus the fruititional view of the East.
Should we always strive to make the unconscious conscious, or should we accept every present moment unconditionally? I am currently reading a book that is giving me fascinating insight into this duality. The fact is that these questions can't be resolved and never will be. They simply are. Life is a paradox.
I just had a bit of an insight. I was thinking about the concept of wanting to see what your girl said to perhaps a girlfriend about how her honest thoughts towards the relationship and if she had FEELINGS of wanting to cheat. Then I thought about the fact that if you take this further, even if a girl doesn't SAY she has had passing thoughts of being with another guy, it doesn't discount the possibility that she could've THOUGHT about it and not told anyone.
I am not ignorant, I know that I admitted to having THOUGHTS about fucking another chick. When I thought about it more, I agreed with myself that it would theoretically be best if you were 100% honest with a partner about what you thought.
The kicker to this, is that both partners must have the skillset to frame feelings/thoughts/emotions against the larger context (developmental approach). Equally important; If you choose to not think of things in this way, it would be advantageous to think of reality as perception, and that every moment is unique (embodiment). If you are able to embody yourself in the moment, then each moment is truly unique and happiness lies within the present anyway.
Basically from the developmental view, me and TMC were not on the same developmental step of awareness. I constantly complained that she would react emotionally without putting things into greater context. She didn't seem to have the same depth of awareness that I had. This wasn't that I was necessarily "superior" but it more felt like we weren't on the same wavelengths. This would cause insurmountable incompatibility until we both found ourselves on the same step.
Another point from the more developmental perspective, is that TMC was always going to approach our relationship from a point of greater neediness (or lower self esteem). She lacked the family support that I had, so on that level my relationship with her was always inappropriately satisfying a need of hers for connection (that had nothing to do with us and our qualified compatibility). When the need for a partner is greatly disproportional, one person will always be acting out of need/fear and not well informed choice.
This makes for poor relational dynamics. Think about it. It's like if you choose a girl because you feel extremely needy at the time, versus choosing a girl because you might have some neediness, but you receive a bonafide feeling that you two are on the same wavelength).
From the fruititional approach, we were not adept at embodiment. We were unable to embody ourselves in the ever present moment of happiness and embrace the possibility that all reality is ultimately an illusion. More simply put, we didn't acknowledge that we were not on the same rung of the staircase, and we were unable to take solace in the fact that the staircase is circular in nature regardless of upward momentum.
This is some abstract shit, but this intersection of paradoxes can be illustrated by this picture.