Hi everyone, I know I've been gone for a while now, and that is because I have been in an exclusive relationship for 6 months, which I have learned so much from. It was my first longer term relationship and it was an incredible experience for me, because I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me.
The lessons that I learned from the relationship are invaluable. They have truly opened my eyes to so many things and also made me realize a lot about myself. The girl that I met is a Bavarian now 23 year old girl, being about 7 months older than me. She has had a lot more experience than I have in many ways, especially sexually, and I have had a lot more experience than her in many other ways. The way we fit together was like a puzzle piece, on a spiritual, sexual and emotional level. We clicked and burnt with chemistry, and I am glad to say that we still do.
She lives in Vienna, and I in London. We are now broken up, however have made the decision to continue seeing each other. I will go into detail why we broke up in a bit, however we are still extremely attracted to each other on all those levels. We either write or skype daily, and have made the decision to stay in each other's lives.
The breakup was harsh. I instigated it, I decided to break it off. Whilst there were many good things about her, there were also things in the relationship itself that turned out to be destructive.
Firstly, obsessiveness and neediness can be beautiful, but it is actually also horrid. We spent almost every moment with each other whilst I was in Vienna, almost living with each other. It was quite the dreamworld, which soon came to an end when I left for London again.
Now, what exactly was destructive in the relationship and how could we have fixed them? Both her and I are at fault here. Initially we decided to be in an exclusive relationship, however what did not bode well for my psyche was that I knew how promiscuous she had been before me. She has had one more partner than I have had, so things should have been fine there, but there were times in the relationship where thoughts got extremely destructive within my own head. Retroactive jealousy was a huge issue for me, especially since we talked in detail about our past experiences and she shied away from nothing.
Were this not enough, this also meant I had extreme trouble trusting her. Since she was very sweet, loving and caring with me, I knew that she also has a side to her that gets very drunk, horny, and promiscuous, especially around her girlfriends. And whilst she limited her drinking to only with me over the summer, my mind could not stop thinking about what might happen in the future. It is ironic, because I, too, have increased my drinking lately, and so it is unfair for me to have such thoughts about her when she can deal with it in her own mind and continue to trust me.
Next, our neediness was intense. Our passion was intense. Our emotions were intense. Having been involved with pickup and having gotten to a point where I can truly trust myself to get new girls, and lead a lifestyle that I truly enjoyed before I met her, I knew and still know that neediness is the killer of relationships. It causes extreme jealousy in some, like me, and now also her. It is immature and it requires great self-control and discipline not to fall into a needy spiral to be able to just enjoy the relationship.
Also, having been involved with pickup showed me that a lifestyle that allows me to be free and do things with whomever I like is the lifestyle that I truly want to lead. This relationship only proved it. Exclusivity caused me to feel extremely caged, especially since I was never exclusive before. It cause me to feel great anxiety, knowing that in that situation I cannot meet new girls. It was taking a part of me away. I may have a natural tendency to jump from one girl to the next; I cannot even recount the amount of crushes I had in school, jumping from girl to girl, and then the amount of times I have fallen in love with a girl. I have learned that this is something that can happen over and over again, and I love that.
Lastly, I love sex. A lot. And I love it with many different girls. My fantasies and dreams are only growing, expanding and intensifying. I'm not sure how miss Bavaria feels, having experimented herself over the past 2 years, but I feel like this may be an experimentation for life. There is a difference in my state within me when I go out to get new girls to when I stay at home waiting for a girlfriend to be with me and have sex with me, or go home to do so. One is active, the other passive. And passivity makes me sick. Literally. It makes me feel ill, depressed, even lonely. My anxiety levels rise and my body craves novelty of experience. The lifestyle I led prior to meeting miss Bavaria was truly awesome, I was feeling on top of the world and I want that for the rest of my life.
And now, why not do it with her? I have broken up with her not because I don't love her, but because I had all these realizations. It was harsh but it had to be done. I still love her, want her, but I don't necessarily need her anymore. Here is a girl that really wants me in her life, and I love that, and want her as well. At the same time I have a need to be free, experiment, do what I want. Being free with her would be the ultimate dream. To be non-exclusive with her, yet be her partner in adventures and she be mine, together going out, meeting people, having sex with lots of different people, being on top of our game, getting wasted together, going crazy with each other. I have mentioned to her that a threesome with her and another girl really turns me on, and you know what? It sounds fucked up but a threesome with another guy does, too. Not because I am attracted to men, but because I know it is a huge turn on for her to have sex with 2 guys at once, and that in turn turns me on like crazy. She hasn't had the experience yet, but I would love to give it to her, or rather, to have it with her. A sick act of voyeurism, however also a sexy one.
I know that I have to continue the lifestyle I had before, the "pickup" lifestyle, because it showed me something that I never knew before, and it also gave me a lifestyle that I felt extremely well in. And I still do. I have faith in my abilities and I only want them to get better. I don't even wish I were a woman who can get sex easily, because there is little work involved. I like the fact that we go out and improve ourselves, our mental state, our physicalities, change our beliefs. I am such a different person at this point, it is unbelievable. I wish I had this realizationg before I met her, so I could've taken her with me on this ride right at the start. However that wasn't the case, and now I accept that and deal with the situation as it comes. The truth is that whether or not she joins me, I move forward. It is the only way at this point. I have tried everything else. I have tried to change my beliefs about relationships, change my beliefs about pickup, change my beliefs about love, however all of these routes have failed me, and I am left with only one thing: something I truly love. I have thought about a life without pickup, without going out and meeting girls and being charming. I have truly tried to convince myself that pickup is wrong, that it is stupid, that it isn't natural, that meeting girls through your social circle should be the only "true" way of meeting girls, since that truly proves you are a social king. None of these strategies worked. Therefore I am back now, with a vengeance. I love this lifestyle, and if I can take miss Bavaria with me then my life will get a thousand times better. If I cannot take Bavaria with me, then my life will still get a thousand times better.
I'm back players. The adventures continue.