Is it the correct approach to be frank about your intentions


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 12:43 am 
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Backstory: Very cute girl; interested in me quiet clearly. After some banter I asked for her number (she has previously asked me if i was on Facebook but i said i prefer to have the phone number). She sends me the first text after a few days. I role play (husband and wife) and it goes superb.

She asks me out for a drink and we meet up in a bar. Lots of IOIs, kino (hand holding, talking closely, talking about relationships, quirky things we do). I think I did very well in getting to know her and emotionally connecting. She is leaving the country in 3 weeks (I knew that from the first meet) to travel. We have a 12 year difference but it does not seem to matter at all.

Talking about relationships we talk about how we are when we date and things like that. She said she had gone out on a date with a couple of guys before in my city (she is here 3 months and leaving soon) but nothing went any further. She said she loves my company and likes to be with me. I reciprocated her response. Then somehow we started talking about serious and casual relationships. Both agreed it was right to be fair and open about what you are looking for. I asked her what she was looking for. She said she was looking for someone to travel with (so basically quiet a serious relationship). I made it clear I was not looking for a relationship especially when she was going to go away. I added that to me it was more important to enjoy her company than anything else right now to which she agreed but said she would feel bad if she got involved and had to leave in 3 weeks. When we finally departed, she said she wanted to see me again maybe just to get a casual drink (came across as two friends hanging out). I turned it down and said we decided to go our own ways as we want different things. She seemed disappointment and said I was being cold. I am not sure where we stand now as I will see her again at social gatherings.

Did I mess it up by saying clearly I was not looking for something serious ? Or did I mess it up by not saying I could meet her again later on and see if i could then escalate? What would be the best thing to do next ?


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 12:55 am 
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How do you mess up by being honest? You said you wanted one thing and she said she wanted another. Is your real question: "If I only want sex from a girl, should I tell her?"


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 12:57 am 
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* Is your real question: "If I only want sex from a girl, should I tell her?"*

Not at all. I enjoy her company and have fun but I also dont want a platonic friend !


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 1:12 am 
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rom9 wrote:
* Is your real question: "If I only want sex from a girl, should I tell her?"*

Not at all. I enjoy her company and have fun but I also dont want a platonic friend !

Then you didn't mess up by being honest. However, in most cases, you really shouldn't talk about what you want from women and let things naturally develop because the truth is that what you want now may not be what you want tomorrow. Instead, you learn about the woman and let her actions and your previous experiences dictate what you want and don't want. You won't figure that out in just a few weeks.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 1:18 am 
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rom9 wrote:
Backstory: Very cute girl; interested in me quiet clearly. After some banter I asked for her number (she has previously asked me if i was on Facebook but i said i prefer to have the phone number). She sends me the first text after a few days. I role play (husband and wife) and it goes superb.

She asks me out for a drink and we meet up in a bar. Lots of IOIs, kino (hand holding, talking closely, talking about relationships, quirky things we do). I think I did very well in getting to know her and emotionally connecting. She is leaving the country in 3 weeks (I knew that from the first meet) to travel. We have a 12 year difference but it does not seem to matter at all.

Talking about relationships we talk about how we are when we date and things like that. She said she had gone out on a date with a couple of guys before in my city (she is here 3 months and leaving soon) but nothing went any further. She said she loves my company and likes to be with me. I reciprocated her response. Then somehow we started talking about serious and casual relationships. Both agreed it was right to be fair and open about what you are looking for. I asked her what she was looking for. She said she was looking for someone to travel with (so basically quiet a serious relationship). I made it clear I was not looking for a relationship especially when she was going to go away. I added that to me it was more important to enjoy her company than anything else right now to which she agreed but said she would feel bad if she got involved and had to leave in 3 weeks. When we finally departed, she said she wanted to see me again maybe just to get a casual drink (came across as two friends hanging out). I turned it down and said we decided to go our own ways as we want different things. She seemed disappointment and said I was being cold. I am not sure where we stand now as I will see her again at social gatherings.

Did I mess it up by saying clearly I was not looking for something serious ? Or did I mess it up by not saying I could meet her again later on and see if i could then escalate? What would be the best thing to do next ?




None of the above happens if you are very attracted to the girl. You wouldn't care if she was leaving the next day.

And such an awkward conversation for a first date. Just have fun and escalate. Let things evolve organically and avoid relationship talk. You don't even know if she's a good kisser. Jesus, man.

Did you predict what hair color your kids would have, too?

If all you wanted her for was casual sex, then proceed that way. Reading your post was tedious, so I can only.imagine how dry and analytical the real conversation was.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 12:38 pm 
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JackZero wrote:
Then you didn't mess up by being honest. However, in most cases, you really shouldn't talk about what you want from women and let things naturally develop because the truth is that what you want now may not be what you want tomorrow. Instead, you learn about the woman and let her actions and your previous experiences dictate what you want and don't want. You won't figure that out in just a few weeks.


This.

I'll never understand the point of that conversation. First you take the car for a test drive. If it fits you, then you buy it, if not, then on to the next.
However you will simply never be able to make an educated decision just because you stood next to it a couple of times.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 12:45 pm 
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JackZero wrote:
rom9 wrote:
* Is your real question: "If I only want sex from a girl, should I tell her?"*

Not at all. I enjoy her company and have fun but I also dont want a platonic friend !

Then you didn't mess up by being honest. However, in most cases, you really shouldn't talk about what you want from women and let things naturally develop because the truth is that what you want now may not be what you want tomorrow. Instead, you learn about the woman and let her actions and your previous experiences dictate what you want and don't want. You won't figure that out in just a few weeks.



I actually did not start that topic at all. As we got closer and closer, she started to talk about ex lovers and how moving around is hard for dating. I have had the same experience and we shared some of our experiences regards dating. Then she herself bought up that topic of how she feels bad when anything short term ends and get involved in the person. She drove to the point saying she was not interested in a fling. I tried to push ti around saying she was not here for long then why is she worried about it anyways. She seemed confused for a moment, grabbing my arm all the way back to the bus stop where i dropped her off. She asked me out again but of course that was too late as we had made our intentions clear.

I get your point however. It was too early to even talk about it. And I actually felt bored when we got talking about that stuff. I even mentioned at a point that we were not going to be around much longer so why talk about this. But what can I say when the girl herself is saying she does not want a fling.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 12:47 pm 
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R.C wrote:
JackZero wrote:
Then you didn't mess up by being honest. However, in most cases, you really shouldn't talk about what you want from women and let things naturally develop because the truth is that what you want now may not be what you want tomorrow. Instead, you learn about the woman and let her actions and your previous experiences dictate what you want and don't want. You won't figure that out in just a few weeks.


This.

I'll never understand the point of that conversation. First you take the car for a test drive. If it fits you, then you buy it, if not, then on to the next.
However you will simply never be able to make an educated decision just because you stood next to it a couple of times.



Completely agree with you dude. But what was I supposed to do other than making my stance clear in such a situation. She was saying she didn't want a fling as she tends to get attached to her lover very fast. So as a lesson to learn: What can I say in such a situation where the girl is saying she doesn't want a fling but I make it clear I am not looking for a relationship. Is there a better way of saying this out ?


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 4:18 pm 
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rom9 wrote:
R.C wrote:
JackZero wrote:
Then you didn't mess up by being honest. However, in most cases, you really shouldn't talk about what you want from women and let things naturally develop because the truth is that what you want now may not be what you want tomorrow. Instead, you learn about the woman and let her actions and your previous experiences dictate what you want and don't want. You won't figure that out in just a few weeks.


This.

I'll never understand the point of that conversation. First you take the car for a test drive. If it fits you, then you buy it, if not, then on to the next.
However you will simply never be able to make an educated decision just because you stood next to it a couple of times.



Completely agree with you dude. But what was I supposed to do other than making my stance clear in such a situation. She was saying she didn't want a fling as she tends to get attached to her lover very fast. So as a lesson to learn: What can I say in such a situation where the girl is saying she doesn't want a fling but I make it clear I am not looking for a relationship. Is there a better way of saying this out ?
I don't think you quite got the point of what R.C and I are saying to you. You had already made a decision on what you want from this woman when she asked. It was way too early to have already figured that out. Your answer to her shown that you had a lot of integrity because you could have been dishonest and made her feel like she was just the woman you were looking for but how you got to that answer shows that you need to work on how you make your decisions on women.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 4:45 pm 
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[/quote]I don't think you quite got the point of what R.C and I are saying to you. You had already made a decision on what you want from this woman when she asked. It was way too early to have already figured that out. Your answer to her shown that you had a lot of integrity because you could have been dishonest and made her feel like she was just the woman you were looking for but how you got to that answer shows that you need to work on how you make your decisions on women.[/quote]


Thanks man. Can u please elaborate it then ? I seem to have not clearly understood what the last few sentences you said mean.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 4:59 pm 
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Exactly ^.

Look, the point is you need to approach dating with an open mind. You've been out a couple of times, you're barely getting to know her. The dynamic of your "relationship" is just barely starting to form. She can turn out be the best girlfriend you had , the best fuckbuddy you ever had, or just another chick you'll forget about in 2 months time.
You however already made a decision that's supposed to be based entirely on that dynamic, and you made it completely absent of it.

There's no right or wrong answer here, there's just right or wrong mindset. In this case, you were both wrong.

It's ok to prefer a relationship. It's also ok to prefer flings. But realistically speaking what you prefer today can be the exact opposite of what you prefer tomorrow, under the right circumstances, as Jack mentioned.

When I'm dating I'm not "looking" for anything. I'm simply looking to get to know the other person, and while that happens our relationship will naturally evolve towards one direction or another.
If she has a great personality, the sex is great, the time spent together is great and we're overall on the same page what do I do? Cut her off because I'm not looking for anything serious?
If she has a cool personality, good sex, not really seeing eye to eye on most subjects but still kinda have fun what do I do? Force a commitment just because that's what I want - regardless with whom it is?

See that's the point. You adapt and decide based on the other person's action and your compatibilities, not based on a preconceived notion.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 5:13 pm 
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rom9 wrote:
JackZero wrote:
I don't think you quite got the point of what R.C and I are saying to you. You had already made a decision on what you want from this woman when she asked. It was way too early to have already figured that out. Your answer to her shown that you had a lot of integrity because you could have been dishonest and made her feel like she was just the woman you were looking for but how you got to that answer shows that you need to work on how you make your decisions on women.



Thanks man. Can u please elaborate it then ? I seem to have not clearly understood what the last few sentences you said mean.

When you meet a girl, the only real thing that you know is if you are or aren't attracted to her physically. At that moment, you don't know what kind of person she is. You start talking to her and the only thing that you are really learning is if you currently like her company, but you still really don't know her enough to say what value she will bring to your life and what kind of role she will play in it...but you still are attracted to her. Within a few days/weeks you have sex with her and let's say you even know that you loved the sex, you still don't know her enough to say, "here's what I want from you."

You'll only know what you want from any specific woman is when you spend enough time with them and experience a full range of her emotions. Positive and negative. You aren't treating yourself fairly when you make decisions before you have all the information.

EDIT: Dammit...R.C beat me to it.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:30 pm 
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Guys appreciate the time and responses.

I completely agree with both of u as for the points "You adapt and decide based on the other person's action and your compatibilities, not based on a preconceived notion."

Normally I never make any hasty decisions on whether a girl I have been to date on with is someone I want to be in a relationship or not. Hell I would not even go into calling each other Bf Gf unless we have been on quiet a few dates, have had sex and are really getting along well after that.

In this case however the girl made a point that she did not want to be some casual relationship even though she was leaving soon. It seemed almost like she wanted me to be in some sort of relationship when we had not even had sex once. That made me think I need to draw a line here and keep her from jumping to come weird conclusion that if had sex we were already in some sort of relationship. This is also why I refused to get a drink again when she said we should just get a drink again and meet up.

Now I might be wrong here but my split judgement in that moment was that she was just wanting to hang out as friends. But anyways now its only possible if she calls me in again for a drink. Balls in her court.

What would u guys have said to a girl who said this to you " I have had some casual things before but I am not looking for that anymore; I am looking to someone much more than that". I ask this as many girls on online sites like POF have this in their bios that they are not looking for flings but for serious relationships and I am like how would u know unless you have had sex with the guy and spent some time with him to come to that conclusion.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 9:09 pm 
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My answer: I'm going to settle down when I find the person worth settling down for.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 10:51 pm 
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rom9 wrote:
I actually did not start that topic at all. As we got closer and closer, she started to talk about ex lovers and how moving around is hard for dating.


You're the man and the leader. Shift the frame. She set the frame and you tripped into it.

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