It feels to me you just regret things a lot.
Let go of that by crying in one way or another.
Crying can just be going to the ocean and spending time on some rocks. You might meet a nice girl there too.
Crying usually involves being alone, and/or being in nature. You can't cry around other people who make you cry. Nature has no judgement.
I think you are in a period where you are looking back still, and not looking forward. You may even be mourning something, very quietly, very silently. That time in Cali sounds great. I wish I could be there with enough money and enough health.
What you are doing now is a form of alcoholism , like someone said. I hope it bodes well for you. You can cry and let go of your tears in the desert as well. Not the worst of places to be.
And I don't think it would be really bad to get really drunk now and then. No matter what they say about alcohol.
Someone once told "You know what, <name>, you are right. We are wall paint. We are a woman's dress". He spoke to live more exuberantly. You can act crazy in the small things of life too. You can make a party of any place you are, by just "fucking" with people. The kind of clips you see about people in elevators standing in a corner facing the wall. Or you draw a circle on the floor and you say "this is MY area". Just do stuff that will make people confused. Why not? Act like a heyoka from the days of old. You will find, you will probably find, that life has so much to offer even in a small area, even in a small thing, even without needing anything of importance, anything worth mentioning. You can be crazy in ordinary ways, and craziness is what lets your feelings out and all girls will like it. Make people laugh. You can be crazy.
Make them confused. Confuse people. People are stuck in mediocre lives. I remember sitting in the early morning at a supermarket parking space, and at 8 am there were only depressed looking people doing their compulsary morning shopping before going to work. And you are there, you woke up at 4 and just strolled through the night. Not a concern in the world. And you are like in a different land. I bet you can make people laugh, realize their seriousness.
Haha, just flirt with someone "Madam, you are looking good" while they are doing their morning shopping with chagrined faces. I don't know. You can invent anything. Anything you want.
I saw a youtube clip compilation of a guy running around with a batman suit and a form of batman vehicle or any form of car looking thing that was around his body. And he ran around with that thing. It was just way cool. Haha. You can do out of the ordinary things that will make everyone laugh (in the end) and that will rid you of some shame.
So don't look at the big things I would say: look at the small things. You can make people laugh by being daring. You can do that at work too, and what gives if you risk losing your job. Right now you are in a tougher spot I must say.
You took on a challenge you could say.