Practical Attainment of Inner Game. (Contributions Welcome!)


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2012 3:00 pm 
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I think I have a good addition to this topic, one related very much to the ABC model, but a little more inclusive and practical I think. I took a training to become more assertive recently, and they had the following circular model: Situation > Thoughts > Feelings > Situation > Thoughts > Feelings > etc. Let me clarify this with an example:

Situation: You are in a bar with two girls that you would like to talk to.
Thoughts: They don't want to talk to me, because I don't have a good opener, I have nothing interesting to say to them.
Feelings: Anxiety, nervousness and fear.
Situation: You do not approach them, but take another sip of your drink while stealing sideways glances at them.
Thoughts: it's too late to approach them now, I'm just not good with girls, I am a weakling.
Feelings: Depressed and disappointed in yourself.

As you can see, the whole thing spirals out of control in a vicious cycle of negativity. The key is to change the vicious cycle into a virtuous cycle by controlling the one thing that you can control: your thoughts. Let's try it on the example above:

Situation: You are in a bar with two girls that you would like to talk to.
Thoughts: I am an interesting guy with lots of interesting opinions. What kinds of interests could these girls and I share? It appears that they have spent considerable effort on their appearance, and I like their shoes. Perhaps I should give them a compliment on it, it is always nice to receive a compliment.
Feelings: Goal-oriented, prepared and confident.
Situation: You give the closest girl a compliment about her shoes, she says 'Thanks' but returns immediately to the conversation with her friend.
Thoughts: Well, that didn't go as well as I had hoped, but at least I tried. Her reaction does not mean I'm not interesting. It requires two people to carry a conversation, and who knows, maybe she will remember my compliment and talk to me later.
Feelings: Disappointed with her reaction, but still confident in yourself.

Of course, this is just a hypothetical example, and changing your thoughts is not so easy in real life, psychology is not magic. But for those who struggle with being assertive, it is important to remember that negative thoughts elicit negative feelings which result in negative situations. At the same time, focusing your thoughts on positive things can break this vicious cycle and turn it into a virtuous one. So next time you are experiencing negative thoughts or emotions, analyze all the links in the chain and ask yourself whether the thoughts you had were really true. Likely, you will find that they were not. Then ask yourself what thoughts could replace them, and how this would have affected your feelings and ultimately your situation. Like I said, this is not magic and it requires practice, but if you keep at it, I promise you will start feeling better about yourself and become more confident in social situations.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 5:51 am 
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Holymoly is this one of the best post i've ever seen lol.
Thanks for your sharing, appreicated.

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 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 12:05 am 
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User13247 wrote:
I think I have a good addition to this topic, one related very much to the ABC model, but a little more inclusive and practical I think. I took a training to become more assertive recently, and they had the following circular model: Situation > Thoughts > Feelings > Situation > Thoughts > Feelings > etc. Let me clarify this with an example:

Situation: You are in a bar with two girls that you would like to talk to.
Thoughts: They don't want to talk to me, because I don't have a good opener, I have nothing interesting to say to them.
Feelings: Anxiety, nervousness and fear.
Situation: You do not approach them, but take another sip of your drink while stealing sideways glances at them.
Thoughts: it's too late to approach them now, I'm just not good with girls, I am a weakling.
Feelings: Depressed and disappointed in yourself.

As you can see, the whole thing spirals out of control in a vicious cycle of negativity. The key is to change the vicious cycle into a virtuous cycle by controlling the one thing that you can control: your thoughts. Let's try it on the example above:

Situation: You are in a bar with two girls that you would like to talk to.
Thoughts: I am an interesting guy with lots of interesting opinions. What kinds of interests could these girls and I share? It appears that they have spent considerable effort on their appearance, and I like their shoes. Perhaps I should give them a compliment on it, it is always nice to receive a compliment.
Feelings: Goal-oriented, prepared and confident.
Situation: You give the closest girl a compliment about her shoes, she says 'Thanks' but returns immediately to the conversation with her friend.
Thoughts: Well, that didn't go as well as I had hoped, but at least I tried. Her reaction does not mean I'm not interesting. It requires two people to carry a conversation, and who knows, maybe she will remember my compliment and talk to me later.
Feelings: Disappointed with her reaction, but still confident in yourself.

Of course, this is just a hypothetical example, and changing your thoughts is not so easy in real life, psychology is not magic. But for those who struggle with being assertive, it is important to remember that negative thoughts elicit negative feelings which result in negative situations. At the same time, focusing your thoughts on positive things can break this vicious cycle and turn it into a virtuous one. So next time you are experiencing negative thoughts or emotions, analyze all the links in the chain and ask yourself whether the thoughts you had were really true. Likely, you will find that they were not. Then ask yourself what thoughts could replace them, and how this would have affected your feelings and ultimately your situation. Like I said, this is not magic and it requires practice, but if you keep at it, I promise you will start feeling better about yourself and become more confident in social situations.

This is good. Thanks for expanding the ABC model and making it more practical :)

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 12:10 pm 
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Useful thread: handling-approach-anxiety-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-vt174001.html

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